A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

future shock

Ezra has been communicating with Nostradamus via ouija board again and has come up with some predictions about the way Ithaca will look in the future. You may not be completely surprised by some of the big N's calls

Historic Ithaca has been transported lock, stock and barrel to someplace in North Carolina and recreated as a peddler's village.

Downtown has been converted into a gigantic 35 story parking garage for Cornell and Ithaca College. Monorails run day and night, transporting students and visitors up to the campuses and to the Pyramid Megamall, the 12th largest mall in the U.S.

Sometime in 2015, Bill Gates decides to send his kids to Cornell. He donates $250 million for a new Information Technology Center on campus. Cornell President Paul Wolfowitz and U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are present at the ribbon cutting.

Cornell launches a $5 billion capital improvement project to turn Collegetown into an enclosed mall. New state of the art security equipment is installed on campus to scan retinas.

The marina at Tremain Park is dredged and widened to accommodate Bill Gates Jr.'s 250ft. ocean-going yacht, Butterfly. A heliport is built on campus for members of the Gates family to land private helicopters. Tuition at Cornell peaks at $250,000 a year.

EcoVillage buys 25,000 acres in Trumansburg and becomes the largest intentional community in the U.S. The foundation for 8,000 solar heated condos are laid. The starting price for a mid-sized unit is $750,000. Plans also call for a 2,000 acre organic garden. More affluent residents run out to purchase John Deere farm tractors and import laborers from Guatamala.

Challenge Industries becomes the second largest employer in Tompkins County, and invites a Japanese consortium to build a 25,000 sq. ft. mini steel rolling plant to supply door panels for General Motors.

Greenstar, Inc. opens its 1,500th organic hypermarket in Shrevesport, LA. It ranks 5th below Wal-Mart in a list of top U.S. retailers.

An Earth First eco-terrorist blows a hole in the main conduit carrying Cayuga Lake water up to the Cornell campus. Fall Creek, covered in 12 ft. of water, is renamed 'Fall River'.

Cornell scientists successfully breed the first latte-producing bovine by introducing coffee beans into the diet of Jersey milk cows attached to electric heaters.

Exxon begins drilling operations in Buttermilk Falls Park as U.S domestic consumption of oil begins to outstrip the known world supply. A 90 year old Ithaca environmentalist named Paul Glover, accompanied by his seeing eye dog, attempts to block bulldozers but is removed by Park rangers.

The Ithaca Common Council narrowly passes by 5-4 a resolution against a U.S invasion of Qatar. After the vote, opponents declare confidently, "Next time we'll win. There's still countries in the Middle East to attack."

Cornell's Johnson Museum completes its Treasures of the Ancient Near East wing. The gem of Cornell's collection is a 12 ft. restored section of Nebuchadnezzar's Gate donated by the Dick Cheney Foundation.

The 65th annual Ithaca Festival is held indoors in the Allan Cohen Memorial Arena on Triphammer Rd. and attracts several thousand visitors who scarf up falafel and browse the local craft exhibits.

The Ithaca ScienceCenter acquires a working North Korean nuclear reactor and offers area school kids an opportunity to discover how nuclear energy is produced.

The Carl Sagan Intergalactic Space Probe returns to earth after a 75 year mission, bringing back a Jodie Foster doll found on one of the moons in the Andromeda Galaxy. Scientists at Cornell hold a new conference to announce the discovery.

A Chinese billionaire submits a winning bid to Common Council for Ithaca Falls and sends a team of engineers to Ithaca to see how it could be moved to Hunan Province in China. The sale is applauded by the Ithaca Journal as a 'tough but pragmatic move to stem the current budget crisis.'

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:49 AM