Is there a hole in your world? Do you live in a donut universe?
Is it because the Ithaca Journal doesn't publish a Sunday edition? No funnies? Could it be because no one in Ithaca has a sense of humor?
Flat-lined. DOA. Was Ithaca settled by Swedes? No, even Swedes have a sense of humor. Just don't go to an Ingmar Bergman film festival.
Even Buddhists enjoy a belly laugh occasionally.
I've met individual Ithacans with a sense of humor intact. They laugh at the weather all the time. They just can't laugh at themselves.
There's no comedy club in Ithaca. People have to go to Syracuse to learn how to tell a joke.
Ithaca sucks steps to the plate. To kill two birds with one stone. Or the vegan version: to grind two whole wheats with a single stone.
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
MARCH 9, 2003
Common Council Votes Unamiously To Dump Prozac into City Drinking Water (ISD 6/5/03)
By a vote of 14-0, members of Ithaca's Common Council voted to introduce the popular anti-depressant, Prozac, into the City's supply of drinking water. Alderperson Carolyn Peterson (First Ward) hailed the decision as a "much needed emergency measure."
SEE STORY
Cornell Scientists Clone Black Labrador
Scientists at Cornell University's Genetic Engineering Lab today announced that they had successfully cloned a black Labrador Retriever from recombinant DNA.
The puppy, named Gino, is the first canine to be cloned, according to Prof. Victor
Mendelstein. Joe Wetmore, owner of Autumn Leave's Bookstore, who has recently come out for a stricter dog ban on the Commons, commented that Gino would "not be welcome downtown."
SEE STORY
Standoff Continutes at Race Office Supply
The tense seige at Race Office Supply on Seneca St. continued for the third day today as Ithaca Police Chief Victor Loo called for reinfocements from county and state law enforcement agencies. Loo held a press conference today at City Hall today along with Mayor Alan Cohen. He reported that ongoing negotiations to end the standoff peacefully have produced little results.
The seige began Monday afternoon when Race owner, Tom Beaver, refused to
obey a city-issued Right of Eminent Domain eviction notice and opened fire on patrolmen. Beaver is known to be holding three hostages and has vowed to "fight to the death" rather than vacate the Seneca St. property which has been slated for development as a hotel and office complex.
SEE STORY
Weather - More Snow on the way! Annual snowfall exceeds 512 inches!
BUSINESS HEADLINES
Autumn Leaves Makes Tender Offer for 1.7 Million Shares of Barnes&Noble.
3D Light To Expand To Former CVS Site. Head Shop Is Local Success Story.
RESTAURANT NEWS
Taste of Bosnia Opens on Commons.
CLASSIFIED
HELP WANTED
iraq is accepting applications for human shields. Call 1-800-449-5553.
Make money with your kidneys! Subjects needed for important medical trials. Call Cornell 277-114-14 X1005.
FOR SALE - Used Orgone Box. Call Jake 277-1111.
Business Opportunity: Teach Yoga in Laundromats Call 277-1112.
Personals
Bi-curious WM , advanced degree in nanotechnology, Buddhist, nonsmoker, enjoys stalker films, quiet walks by the lake, seeking soulmate. Send pic and curriculum vitae to BOX 400.
INSIDE ITHACA SUCKS TODAY
IS rates the convenience stores. Best place to buy a 40 oz.
IS Candid Camera
Mayor Cohen photographed entering Adult Playland!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:58 PM
