Ithaca Sucks is taking the night off from attacking you know what favorite place in upstate New York to approach ordinary Ithacans on how they feel the U.S might still pull back from the brink of a catastrophic war with Iraq. Ezra's 'person on the street " survey has yielded the following list of options, ranging from the impractical to the authentically sublime. Of course, given the level of absurdity surrounding Bush's continuing 'war on terror' , none of the alternatives below seem as weird as the course the President has obviously chosen. .
10 things to do with 300,000 plus American troops besides attack Iraq
1.Have Hans Blix deputize 300,000 new UN weapons inspectors. This plan will probably not fly well with Saddam but might appease France. In a matter of 48 hours, there wouldn't be a WMD (you know what it stands for by now) left hidden in Iraq.
2.Issue 300,000 matching sets of travel visas, Polaroid cameras, bermuda shorts and Fodor's Iraq to the troops. Faced with a sudden spike in tourism , Saddam might convert some of his presidential palaces into gambling casinos, share some of that billboard space with Calvin Klein ads, and redeploy Republican Guards units as tourist guides and tour bus drivers.
3.Invade Europe instead. This will prevent George W from having to deal with those 'difficult, uncooperative' Germans, Frenchmen and Russians in the future.
The sagging economies in Western Europe could benefit from another go-around of Marshall Plan dollars. Then Poland, which supports war with Iraq, could get more NATO bases, more tanks and more McDonald franchises that serve kilbasi.
4.Film a sequel to Lawrence of Arabia in the desert with 300,000 extras. Spielberg could direct, Brad Pitt would play T.E. Lawrence and John Williams would write the soundtrack. This year's big summer blockbuster .
5. Have Allied (?) forces work hand in hand with the Iraqis to restore the landmarks of their ancient civilization. There are buried cities, archaeological treasures galore still under the sand. Not all of ancient Babylon has been dug up and moved to the British Museum yet. Sales of National Geographic might defray the cost of keeping 300,000 troops in Iraq. Ain't it better to restore the past than restore people to the past?
6.Have 300,000 plus military personnel go door to door throughout the Middle East selling vacuum cleaner bags, subscriptions to AOL and the Christian Science Monitor. This will help stimulate a stalled economy back home.
7.Organize giant USO shows that will showcase unknown stand-up comics and tap dancers from Philadelphia and help them achieve stardom. This will also help improve troop morale as we wait out a peaceful solution of the crisis. Those guys shouldn't have to work on their killing skills every single day. All work and no play makes GI Joe a bloodthirsty killer.
8.Build thousands of windmills in the desert. This way we will be able to import cheap energy from the Middle East.
9.Have 300,000 American military personnel cross their legs, assume the lotus position and chant the word 'om' at the same time and same place. This will reduce tensions in the Middle East.
10. Start a new Peace Corps for god's sake. Having 300,000 ambassadors of good will going around doing nice things for people might go a long way towards improving America's image in the world. Who knows the effect this might also have on preventing future terrorist attacks on the U.S.? It's better than being seen as the bully of the global neighborhood.
The truth is that none of these suggestions are likely to end up on the table for consideration. The Godfather of Death has no soul,
no sense of humor, no shred of humanity. He was stitched together in the laboratory of capitalism from spare body parts, Ayn Rand novels, Tv westerns, the Cliff Note on Westerm Civ 101 etc by petroleum scientists, millionaire ranchers and the Connecticut blue-blood mafia. Maybe he inherited the brain of John Foster Dulles but it's unlikely that his creators used such high-grade materiel to assemble this 21st version of Frankenstein. He is stuck in Showdown, High Noon mode; a Gotterdammerung baby with a cruise missile Mamma.
War isn't funny. Particularily if you're on the receiving end.. What's important in the coming days is to remember the difference between living in your own private Ithaca and living in Baghad or Gaza under the shadow of the Godfather. Ithacans are just starting to shake off their cabin fever, enjoy the longer days and extra sunshine. The folks in the Middle East who are living in the path of the Death Machine are going to have a very different experience this April, that being the cruellest month, as American gardeners go to work laying the soil of Iraq fallow.
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock,
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock)
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust
T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland, 1922
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Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 2:28 AM
