A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Ithaca Sucks Sunday Edition
MARCH 16, 2003

SADDAM PICKS CORNELL

In a surprising 11th hour decision, Saddam Hussein last night decided to accept Cornell University's offer to come to Ithaca as Visiting Professor of International Relations. The decision was announced in a press conference at the Iraqi Foreign Ministry attended by
Cornell officials and Ithaca councilman, David Whitmore. Last Tuesday, Whitmore flew to Baghdad on a peacekeeping mission to forestall impending war between the U.S. and Iraq.

When asked for comment, Colin Powell, Secretary of State answered, "This is not an acceptable alternative to war. The President considers this just another one of Saddam's attempts to evade responsibility for his actions. We will not let American universities turn into schools for terror."

Cornell's offer was modelled on a successful progam at Boston University in which former African presidents were invited to the US to live and teach. Kenneth Kaunda of Zambia was the first African head of state to participate in BU's pilot.

CORNELL BREEDS SUPER COW

Cornell scientists announced today that they had successfully bred a Guernsey cow with the capability of producing 200 gallons of milk a day. The cow , equipped with 42 udders and weighing in at 3500 lbs, is Cornell's latest attempt to perfect the controversial bovine growth hormone.

Prof. Roman Rotolactor told reporters that "Super Betsy will revolutionize the milk industry forever. No longer will people ask, Got Milk?"

CU HOCKEY PLAYERS TESTED FOR STERIOIDS

Cornell officials today reported that several members of the CU's winning hockey team had been tested positive for the use of steroids. The decision to test the players arose from a controversy over CU's crushing Saturday 120-0 defeat of the Dartmouth men's team.

OTHER NEWS

Ithaca's IndyMedia (Independent Media) Center Receives Grant From Gannett Foundation.
40,000 Anti-War Demonstrators March On the Commons
PRI Archaelogists Discover 5,000 Year Old Cigarette Lighter

BUSINESS BRIEFS

Tibet Store Re-Opens as Chinese Boutique: Superpower Politics Impacts Retail Sales Even in Tiny Ithaca.

GI Joe Easterbasket Sales Takeoff in Freeville: How a Small Community Shows Its Patriotism.

1,000 Villages Receives Shipment of Shrunken Heads: The Global Marketplace Heats Up!

Tattoo Town:Ithaca's Obsession with Body Modification.

INSIDE ITHACA SUCKS TODAY

The Swansboroughs Speak Out! The first exclusive interview with Ithaca's controversial brother and sister act. They talk about race baiting, serving jail time, pickups, 12- packs, trailer park lifestyles, sex and much more!

See-Spot Sees C-Notes: The next generation of Ithaca's entrepreneurs tell how the pursuit of the different translates into dollars. Counterculture sells!

CLASSIFIEDS


Moosewood Restaurant looking for seasoned wait-staff. Minimum of 8 yrs experience necessary; knowledge of Sumerian and Sanskrit, advanced degrees in BioPhysics and Neurolinguistics, familiarity with basics of JavaScript, Cobol and XHMTL; should be able to play lute and harpsichord, travelled extensively in Far East and Africa, play cricket and Go, be able to recite by memory 500 lines of the Poetic Edda or Joyce's Ulysses. Apply at the Dewitt Building.

PERSONALS

Romantic revolutionary looking for a proletarian Helen of Troy. Has read Rosa Luxemborg, Emma Goldman, Gramsci, Adorno, Foucault, Derrida, Lacan, Walter Benjamin and Donna Tarrt. Likes Doris Day movies, romantic dinners at Moosewood. Are you trying to build a better world? Join me! Send pic and modest self-appraisal to Box 407.

Next week in IS Sunday Edition - The IS Best of Ithaca List. Don't miss it!

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:20 AM