A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION

March 23, 2003
Special War Edition

WAR DIVIDES COMMUNITY

Mayor Alan Cohen yesterday ordered Department of Public Works crews to begin painting a yellow meridian down the center of the Ithaca Commons to separate factions in the community opposed to the war in Iraq from those supporting President Bush. The Mayor's decision came after a long and often heated 6 hour debate in City Council Friday night.

Many merchants, including Joe Wetmore, owner of Autumn Leaves, immediately protested the Mayor's action, complaining that they has been zoned unfairly. Mr. Wetmore vowed to move the bulk of his operation back to its former location now occupied by See Spot. In recent weeks, Autumn Leaves has been the focal point for the anti-war movement in Ithaca as well as the major distribution center for lawn signs and bus tickets to demonstrations in Washington and New York.

Mr. Wetmore, in a statement to City Council, objected that the move would " was a revenge tactic designed to drive me out of business. It's like erecting the Berlin wall in Ithaca." Wetmore has been a vocal critic of the Cohen administration.

BOCES LINKED TO AL-QUAEDA

The Justice Department issued a statement in Washington Friday, linking BOCES with a range of terrorist-related activities including training individuals to make chemical weapons and fertilizer bombs. Local FBI agents, supported by contingents from the Syracuse office, have occupied the Hanshaw Road BOCES facility since Thursday after a daylight raid netted several individuals alleged to resemble either Osama bin Ladin or other known Al-Quaeda operatives.

CORNELL SENDS ACCEPTANCE EMAILS TO 10,000 IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARDS

Cornell University officials reported Friday that human error had resulted in sending automatic e-mails to 10,000 Republican Guards living in Iraq, welcoming them to the Class of 2007. The mistake was discovered when the CU Admissions Office started receiving dozens of urgent emails from Iraq inquiring about housing and scholarship money.

IC PROFESSOR NAMED BY WHITE HOUSE

The White House announced Friday that Dr. Willhem von Trip, assistant professor of Music at Ithaca College, has been earmarked to create a new Iraqi national anthem. Von Trip, a popular teacher at IC for years, was responsible for composing anthems for several former Soviet republics in the 1980's and 90's.

When interviewed Saturday in his IC office, Von Trip commented. "It's a real honor. I know I can come up with something that will do justice to the spirit of the new Iraq. Right now I'm toying with a melody that's somewhere in between 'Dixie' and 'Jumpin' Jack Flash."

FREEVILE WOMAN OUTDOES BETSY ROSS

Alice Voorhees, an 82 year old retired bus driver from Freevile, has been working on a 5,720 foot long flag that will incorporate Iraq as America's newest state. She claims to have begun the project in 1991 during Operation Desert Storm, reporting
that "it's close to completion now with Operation Iraqi Freedom.

When completely stretched out, the flag will extend from Freevile to Groton. Voorhees wants her 10 year labor of love to "honor America's sacrifice in Iraq."

CATHOLIC WORKERS TAKE OVER LOCAL CHURCH

A group of 13 militant anti-war demonstrators seized the bell tower at Immaculate
Conception Roman Catholic Church on the corner of Seneca St. and Geneva Saturday afternoon. The protesters are all members of the Ithaca Catholic Worker. Until forcibly removed by the IPD swat team, the group operated the church's chime system for a period of 15 minutes and hung anti-war banners on the side of Immaculate Conception's 80 foot spire.

Rev. Jerry O'Donnell, pastor at Immaculate Conception, commented after police had removed the demonstrators, "There's never be anything like this in the parish. Most of Ithaca's Catholics come to Mass every Sunday, celebrate the Saints' Days, put what they can in the collection basket and go home to live good Catholic lives. This kind of thing is unthinkable."

OTHER NEWS

Doctors at Cayuga Medical Center operated Saturday to remove a cell phone from the brain of a 19 year old Cornell University freshman. Samantha Collins, a Veterinary Medicine student from Livingston, N.J was reported to have been walking down the Commons Saturday while talking on her cell phone. She apparently tripped on a construction obstacle and the cell phone became wedged in her ear, entering the cerebral cortex part of her brain. Bangs Ambulance personnel, transporting Ms. Collins to Cayuga Medical Center, reported hearing several rings for incoming calls. Ms. Collins is listed in stable condition at Cayuga's critical care unit.

A construction crew installing new lighting on the Commons unearthed evidence of the site of a Revolutionary-era massacre of members of the Cayuga Indian nation by units of General John Sullivan's army. Cornell archaeologists are calling the discovery "a major link to Ithaca's pre-colonial past." So far, diggers have uncovered skeletal remains, flintlocks, and other forensic evidence indicating that a violent engagement might have occurred in the area of the Commons involving American Revolutionary Army soldiers and non-combatants belonging to the indigenous Cayuga tribes that originally settled Ithaca.

A spokesperson for the Cayuga Nation declared the Commons "holy ground"and recommended that a commission be set up to explore options for a permanent memorial. Mayor Alan Cohen called the discovery "another can of worms".

60 area residents were hospitalized after an 18 hour marathon St. Patrick's Day celebration at the Chanticleer. Many were treated for overexposure to the food additive used to manufacture 'green beer', a holiday favorite among St. Paddy's revelers.

BUSINESS NEWS

Several area restaurant chains stopped serving French Fries this week to protest the French government's reaction to President Bush's Iraqi policy. "No support for Bush, no Fries, " McDonald's Triphammer Rd. manager Roy Jones commented. " We're calling them chips now. In honor of our British allies. Right now we're running a Fish 'n Chips special for $2.99. That comes with a 12 oz Coke and a 6 inch Union Jack ."

A Nevada businessman is calling on the Common Council to legalize prostitution within Ithaca's city limits. In a presentation at City Hall Thursday, Desmond Hotspur outlined his plan to open 5 combination massage parlors /brothels within the next two years in locations around Ithaca. He suggested that "this kind of high demand/high traffic business is the way for the City to bring people back downtown." The Common Council is currently studying Mr. Hotspur's proposal for its impact on the City's sales tax base. Many storefronts downtown remain empty and produce little tax income to fill municipal coffers. Mr. Hotspur currently operates approximately 100 brothels in the state of Nevada as well as throughout Thailand.

CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE 5,000 brand new anti-war lawn signs available at reasonable prices. Ideal for conversion for use in advertising yard/garage sales. Call Autumn Leaves.

FOR SALE remote 10 acres available in Newfield. Former commune/cult enclave; complete with barracks, modern kitchen/dining hall, meeting rooms, guru's residence. PA system included. Ideal for New Age spiritual circles, militias. Call 277-4001 for private showings.

Now Available/ Iraqi war brides. Best selection on the East Coast. Find the woman of your dreams! Call 277-4221 or log on to www.iraqifemales.com for more information.

PERSONALS

Gentle, loving, artistic WM looking for special relationship with WF between 18-35. I am an 6'2'', 250 lb. ex-Marine with plenty of combat experience but little experience in love. I'm seeking that special person who likes to watch John Wayne, Arnold Schwartzenager films, read Tom Clancy novels, recite Rudyard Kipling poems, clean M-16's, survive in the woods with only a knife and a prayer, and be with the one you love. If you're that special somebody, belong to the NRA, and are looking for adventure, write to IS Box 400

INSIDE ITHACA SUCKS TODAY MAGAZINE

Read excerpts from Ezra Cornell's secret diary! He made millions on the telegraph, founded a major university but Ezra Cornell was a lonely, reclusive, tortured soul with strange and powerful passions. Read about his secret 'love nest' near Cascadilla Creek and the women he 'kept' there. Read about his extravagant pursuit of an 'elixir' that would guarantee him 'eternal life'; how he spent a fortune breeding a cow that would produce more milk and enable him to corner the dairy market in Tompkins County. Read also how he funneled millions to the Confederate cause in the event the South won the war! Not to be missed! An IS exclusive!

Next week's IS Sunday Edition will feature the Best of Ithaca supplement - unless some other lousy news like a war comes up again.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:26 AM