A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
MARCH 30, 2001
SPECIAL SPRING EDITION



WINTER REVISITED

Winter returned with a vengeance today as gale force winds downed power lines and an early Spring storm dumped record amounts of snow on Tompkins County. Roads, churches, and bowling alleys were closed around Ithaca. The CU Weather Station reported that, at the height of the storm, 25 inches of wet, heavy snow fell per hour, trapping many out of town travelers in convenience stores and local restaurants. At least 75 people alone were stranded in the A Plus on the corner of Green and Cayuga. During the blizzard, they huddled around the stacks of beer specials, drinking coffee, eating snack foods and discussing the war in Iraq.

Drifts on the Commons measured at 15 ft, occasionally reaching the second floor windows of buildings along Ithaca's historic downtown. Mayor Alan Cohen declared a state of emergency and recommended that area residents stay home and avoid unnecessary travel. "This is a good day to skip the Sunday bagel or donut run. Instead of reading the NY Times, put on your extra woollies, make yourself a cup of tea and log on to Ithaca Sucks," Mayor Cohen commented in a phone interview.

HUMAN CLONE ATTENDS CORNELL

Australian scientists reported Friday that the subject of a human genetics experiment conducted at the University of Sydney 20 years ago has been quietly attending classes at Cornell. The student, not identified, is enrolled at CU's Human Ecology program. He is the oldest known survivor of cloning techniques that had previously been thought to have been tested only on nonhumans.

Prof. Heinrich Zitsch, a researcher at what has been called Australia's 'Genes Are Us' laboratory in Sydney, reported the news in a conference call with colleagues at Cornell. "The subject is very normal," Zitsch commented. " Your average 20 year old. He's fond of beer, pizza, video games and girls. Eventually he wants to attend law school. We consider him a real success story."

Cornell officials declined comment, but individuals close to the Admissions Office were excited about the impact human cloning may have on declining college enrollments.

CU CITY PLANNERS TO REBUILD BASRA

Members of the Urban and Regional Planning Dept. at Cornell have been chosen to lead a delegation of city planners to Iraq to assist in post-war reconstruction. They will work on design concepts and site maps to rebuild the southern port of Basra, heavily damaged during British and American attacks in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Prof. Howard Zen, CU assistant professor, remarked in a press conference that "we're very excited about this opportunity. It's very important to take into account climate when designing cities. We've been looking very closely at maps of Alamorgordo, NM and Haifa, Israel. This is a chance to create something new. We've thought of designing a city hall that resembles a 10 story high gas pump in keeping with Basra's long association with the Iraqi oil industry. We've also asked some American restaurant chains to submit design concepts for eateries. Golden arches in the desert, you know, but more nomadic-looking. "

DEMONSTRATORS CLASH

Anti-war demonstrations on the Commons turned violent Saturday when a 69 year old Korean War veteran attacked several marchers along the parade route. For a several minutes before Ithaca police intervened, protesters and supporters of the war in Iraq exchanged punches and blows. At least 5 people were treated and released from Cayuga Medical Center. One participant in the peace march was believed to have been gored with the point of a flagpole, brandished by one of the counter-demonstrators.

Ralph Meeker, a Freevile native arrested at the scene, told officers that, "I see red when people disrespect the sacrifices made by vets. We spilled our blood so they could have the right to march today."

Later, Mr. Meeker claimed that he had been "temporarily insane" at the time and was reliving flashbacks of being among the attackers of Hill 419 near what is now the DMZ during the Korean conflict. " I thought they were Chinese," Mr. Meeker explained, referring to the peace marchers. Meeker is being held for arraignment at Tompkins County Jail.

Dr. Victor Franken, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Cornell, told IS that "flashbacks are not uncommon among war veterans. These kids in Iraq are going to be up against the same thing someday. One moment they'll be pumping gas at A-Plus, the next they'll be hallucinating that they're back in the desert," {More on Gulf War2 Syndrome in the Thursday edition.}

MAYOR COHEN CAUGHT IN LOVE NEST WITH WALMART EXEC

Mayor Alan Cohen, a bachelor and long-time proponent of aggressive development in Ithaca, was rumored by unidentified sources close to Joe Wetmore, to be occupying a furnished luxury apartment leased by a female WalMart executive. The penthouse apartment in the Cayuga Arms , reported to rent for $4,500 a month, includes a jacuzzi, marble fireplace, gold bathroom fixtures and a 20 ft. wide rotating water bed. Mayor Cohen declined comment. Ms. Candy Kern, the 28 year old WalMart real estate executive whose name appears on the lease, also declined comment.

Rumors surfaced a year ago alleging that Mr. Cohen had been residing in an apartment close to the Marina belonging to a contractor who had business pending with the City.

Mayor Cohen has been observed recently, escorting Ms. Kern to restaurants and theater events in Ithaca. Her identity was disclosed Wednesday in a leaflet distributed privately to members of Common Council.

Alderwoman Sue Blumenthal told IS, "What Al Cohen does with his time is his own business. I just hope he doesn't want to put a WalMart where the Women's Community Building is now." The group that owns the Women's Community Building on Seneca and Cayuga Sts are reported to be experiencing financial difficulties and seeking a new tenant.

(Note to readers: IS is committed to professional, responsible journalism and would otherwise not publish a story of this ilk unless Ezra, during several long vigils in Dewitt Park, had witnessed Mayor Cohen entering and leaving the Cayuga Arms with Ms. Kern on more than one occasion. )

<CU SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW BREED OF FLY

Researcher at Cornell's Goldblomb Entomology Lab reported Thursday that they had identified a new subspecies of the common American house fly. The insect was nicknamed "little Red" for the bright crimson color of his facial mask.

"Little Red behaves like no other house fly," Prof. Lewis Smiley told reporters. " He's learned to play dead, roll over, beg for food and can do Vincent Price imitations." Dr. Smiley played enhanced lab recordings of flies chanting 'Help us' in chorus. In another recording, several flies were heard exchanging recipes for pizza crusts.

"We think that Little Red may have important military uses. At the moment we're talking to people at the Defense Department," Smiley added.

ITHACA TEENAGER REAPPEARS AFTER 3 YEAR ABSENCE

Mabel Kelly, a 17 year Lansing resident who disappeared 3 years ago during an outing at Pyramid Mall, was reunited with her parents and friends today. Ms. Kelly appeared to be in good health and excellent spirits but sources close to the family report that she occasionally lapses into Tibetan.

Ms. Kelly has told authorities that she was abducted by a small group of Buddhist monks, confined in an ashram in Groton and forced to read lengthy and complicated tracts on Mayahana Buddhism. She reported that discussion over the dinner table was conducted completely in a dialect indigenous to Llasha, the capital of Tibet. During a lengthy interviews, Ms. Kelly revealed that she was forced to wear yellow robes, shave her head, treat her acne with a compound made from ground yams and beg on the street with other monks during visits to Syracuse. It was during one of these excursions that Ms. Kelly accomplished her escape.

Asked what she plans to do now that she's back with her family, Ms. Kelly replied that she intended to buy all the Britney Spears CD's she had missed, junk up with fast food, visit Disney World this summer and, in her own words, "just be normal again."

State Police investigators are following leads provided by Ms. Kelly to apprehend the group of monks responsible for her kidnapping. Readers who may have information should call 277-4200.

BUSINESS BRIEFS

CU spin-off bets on big market in body parts A group of entrepreneurs who met while doing doctoral work at Cornell have formed a partnership to start producing genetically engineered human body replacement parts . Jeremy Fiend, CEO for the new start-up, told IS that, "The war in Iraq has opened up a whole new market for this kind of business. There are literally thousands of people walking around without hands or legs, both American and Iraqi. Let's face it - war is a little rough on the human body. We intend to get in on the ground floor of all of this. We simply take a little DNA from the customer and within 6 mos, presto! A new arm or foot pops out of the hopper." CosmetGene has just rented 2,500 sq. ft. in the Airport Research Park to begin operations.

CLASSIFIED

Help Wanted - Sales help needed for unconventional family-owned yogurt business. Must have strong anti-war views; proven ability and a track record in the competitive organic grocery market. We don't just sell yogurt, we sell peace! Call 277-4252.

Help Wanted -looking for young, attractive women 18-25 to work in innovative massage/personal relaxation business. Must enjoy good health and have strong interpersonal skills. Will train. Apply in person at Nevada Smith's Massage Clinic, 415 E. State St. or call 277-2125 for a personal interview.

Did your SUV roll over? Not only will we help you with your personal liability or injury case, but we will also repair your vehicle at a competitive price! Lawyers and Mechanics Auto Body Shop, 112 Hanshaw Rd. 272-3100.

New Restaurant Opening - A Taste of Old Baghdad will be opening soon at 36 Cayuga St. (fomerly Danu's) Looking for prep chefs, wait staff, dishwashers. Call 277-2251. Experience Required.

PERSONALS

Single WM, bi-curious, seeking the companionship of that special person with hermaphroditic inclinations to share romantic dinners, cross- dressing, doing research on sex change operations and endless discussions. Tired of the same old either/or straight or gay relationships? Want it all, all the time? Write to Box 787, IS.

INSIDE IS' SPRING INTO SPRING SUPPLEMENT

Learn how to grow giant tomatoes and radishes in your own garden! IS will show you proven organic techniques for growing a tomato that will feed your family for a week.

New Looks for Spring! Purple hair is out! Veils are in! The new thing this Spring is that certain secret of attraction that Moslem women have known for years! Flaunt it and you'll lose their interest! Keep them in the dark and you will win their hearts forever!

Short vacation hops this Spring! Concerns about rising gas prices and terrorism will keep people closer to home this spring and summer. IS offers a variety of short day trips that fit in with your new around-the- neighborhood lifestyle.

--Visit lovely Richford, an hour drive away from Ithaca -birthplace of John D. Rockerfeller. It's dilapidated charm lends credibility to the old saying - from rags to riches!

--Check out Ithaca's own nude swimming hole! You don't need a 20 year old body to have fun in the sun!

--Visit the home of Paul Wolfowitz, Ithaca's own feisty think tanker! See where he cooked up the whole idea of Operation Iraqi Freedom as a gangly, acne-obsessed teenager who always got pushed around by the bigger kids in the schoolyard.

--You can fabulous day trips for under $3.00. Ride TCAT and discover the Ithaca you've never known.

Now what everybody has been waiting for! Ithaca Sucks The Best of Ithaca 2003 Finalists!

THE ITHACA SUCKS BEST OF ITHACA LIST 2003

Our judges have been busy rating the the people, places, things that make Ithaca a great community. There are some surprises this year, some names dropped off the list of first place, some new names added, but, all in all, IS thinks that this is our best list yet!

Best School/University - Finger Lakes School of Massage. Besides gorges, Ithaca is famous for massages; trained hands caressing away the stresses and tensions that come from living in a godforsaken outpost, 50 miles away from civilization. Sorry, Cornell, IC!!! Massages are more important than critical theory!

Best Restaurant - The Ithaca Diner comes in first! The grease capital of the universe! Their fried egg sandwiches don't remind you of fried egg sandwiches at all! No gimme coffee here. Gimme alka seltzer, maalox, dig-el and metamucil.

Best Bookstore - Adult Toyland Book Galley on State St. When it comes to serious reading matter, IS finds that 'Swinging Freshmen' by Anonymous beats out Lacan any day.

Best Place to Buy a 40 oz - A Plus is the place! Friendly staff, wide selection. Pick up munchies and a roadkill dog with mustard while you're there!

Best Place to drink a 40 oz if you're underage - Behind the State Theater on Cayuga! The folks that throw out the garbage at the Lost Dog Cafe are the soul of discretion. They'll never call the cops on you!

The Best Candidate for the Next Mayor of Ithaca - IS goes with Fay Gougakis! She's most knowledgeable about the issues that effect this community and probably doesn't snort coke.

The Best Place to Throw Up - You got it! Right there on the sidewalk in front of Simeon's! The spot is probably already marked the next time you're in the mood!

The Best Place to Scribble 'Bush is a Nazi' - IS is surprised no one has thought of this yet! The Ithaca Police Department right on E. Clinton.

Best Grocery - It may be modest and unassuming , it doesn't have a 40 ft. salad bar but the Community Market on the corner of Seneca and Aurora is still the most convenient place to buy a can of tuna at 10pm!

Best Place to Buy a Pint of Thunderbird - Winos love it! Sam's Wines & Liquors has served the seriously alcoholic for 20 years.

Best View of Ithaca - A tie this year! The rear view mirror of a Greyhound bus or the bell tower at Immaculate Conception. Beware, however, IC doesn't encourage Quasimodo wannabees.

Best Newspaper - The National Examiner deserves this honor for serving up a steady stream of right wing, fascist agitprop.

Best Place to get into a race-baiting, hair-twisting rumble - Pete's. Yes, the rednecks love it for an opportunity to enjoy a little 3 against 1 close combat.

Best Thrill for a Friday Night - you got it! Pissing off the 9th floor of the Seneca St. parking garage.

Best Place to Hang Out for Hours Playing Hackeysack - Some things never change!
The pavilion outside of Center Ithaca.

Best Place for the Young, the Restless and the Bizarrely Creative to Hang Out - See-Spot Gallery. Ezra isn't sure, though, how creative either the name or the art there is . The depleted uranium exhibit in the window didn't quite hit him between the eyes, the anarchist film festival was a drag. The duct tape costumes were cute. So you have to accept certain things on faith.

The Best Bar No contest! That big Red Rooster marks the spot for hours of smoke-filled, dysthymic fun. Few college students but fewer microbrews. Play a little pool with the natives , try to use the phone, have the bartender turn your Tom Waitts jukebox selections off. No, I'm not talking about Becky. She's our candidate for --

The Best Bartender. She's louder than a siren and twice as cute. Watch her get a buzz on! Observe her deal diplomatically with grizzled, inebriated rednecks who roll off their barstools! Cute, a sense of humor, able to tolerate large amounts of alcohol. What more could you want besides a date?

The Best Music Scene - The jukebox at the Chanticleer if you have a low threshold of tolerance for college students, Goths, aging hippies or highbrows who like to parade their tremendous repertoire of arcane musical knowledge outloud during the intermission.

The Best Aging Radical -- Paul Glover! He must be in love, he's just colored his hair! It's spring, after all! Those warm temperatures, delicate buds blossoming on the Commons, signs of life all around - it deceives the old into believing they're young again.

The Best Hippie/Pseudo-leftist Entrepreneur - Joe Wetmore. Deep down he's a raging Stalinist who kicks kids and puppies off the Commons!

The Best way to spend your Sundays - reading Ithaca Sucks natch!

Please excuse Ezra if he's left out any of your favorite Best of the Best. He was under a few time constraints trying to have a life outside of blogging.

BUY THE ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION COLLECTOR'S WAR EDITION. ONLY $15.00 IF YOU ORDER NOW! FEATURES ALL THE GORE, GADGETRY, JINGOISM AND WAR JITTERS ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY NEED. MAIL CHECKS TO BOX 119WAR, FREEVILE, NY 14821

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 10:19 AM