A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Nothing brings out the best in America like war.

Of course the best is indistinguishable from the worst. 'They were the best of times. They were the worst of times. ' - C. Dickens. In America, it's always Miller Time.

Figure that America has never had a 100 or, a 30 YearsWar for that matter. The Vietnam War was the longest in our history, severely taxing our short little national attention span.

'Gee, Myrtle, why are they still killing the pajama people on tv?'

The Vietnam War became a presidential heirloom, passed from administration to administration, from Kennedy to Nixon. Twelve years. People forgot there was a war on until the headlines reminded us. Tet Offensive. Nixon bombs Cambodia. Oh, there's a new war now? There were too many new cars to buy, new girlfriends, new jobs to begin, new drugs to try, new concerts to go to. The Vietnam war was the low, dull, backdrop of a generation reserving space for itself on the remainder tables of the future. The Huge Book of the 60's. Now only $19.99.

America has learned a lot since Vietnam. All our later wars have been quickies. Americans like quickie wars. In and out, like bad sex. Like a visit to the muffler shop.

That's why the Internet is so great to keep tabs on America's latest nasty little war. Go to http://www.cnn.com/ and check out all the bells and whistles. Click a link for War Tracker and you get the latest developments from the battlefield updated every 15 minutes. There are maps, different on the scene report options, the weather in Baghdad, 3D models - even video, radio and slideshow links.

It makes you proud to be an American. Thanks Ted Turner, thanks Steve Case. (Unfortunately they were early casualties of another war.)

The only thing it doesn't have is a Body Count Update. Or a Collateral Damage Update . Or a place to insert your ad banner like Blogger. What would you want to advertise on a war website anyway? Johnson&Johnson Band-Aid strips?
Sunscreen? Marlboro?

It beats watching the war on tv. Peter Jennings, Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw tend to drone on after a while of watching expanded coverage. They're all pushing 65, veterans of a lot of America's big and little wars. Like Ezra. (But only at a distance,
thanks to the fact that he was a lucky birthday boy back in the '60s. They had real lotteries back then, not these Quick Picks. Ezra was lucky in war, never in love.)

Did you know there's a new Tom Clancy video game out on the market already? It's a complete simulation of desert combat scenarios. The commercial features virtual GI's's chanting - "we will fight so others can be free."

Give us a break already! The sum of all fears is that the damn thing won't play on your gameboy.

Maybe Bush could pay for his own personal little war (and the annexation of Iraq) by offering sponsorships? Ezra can see a whole range of products spun off from GulfWar2. Iraqi Freedom mugs, t-shirts, sneakers, beer coolers, chewing gum (with Tommy Franks and Donald Rumsfield playing cards), lunch boxes, board games, salad dressings, lip gloss, potato chips, playing cards, breakfast cereal, action figures, Saddam Hussein dart boards, dashboard doohickies, interactive cd-roms, you name a thousand other useless gadgets and products.

That way you can still afford a tax cut and pay for the next war with the sales tax.

It makes you proud to be an American, that's all Ezra can say.

Maybe tomorrow Ezra will fill in some of the blanks for all you boys and girls about some of America's other great war presidents, or men who braved the cauldron of war later to become president. Ezra's personal favorite is William Henry Taft. He weighed close to 300 lbs. And had to be lifted by pulley on to his horse. They didn't have an SPCA in those days. Taft was Governor of the Philippines after the Spanish American War. All the little brown folks looked up to him with hero worship (and avoided anywhere he might be trying to sit down.) Just like the Arab world looks up to our own 600 lb. Gorilla of the Global Frontier. Make us free, George! Make us free!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:15 AM