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Tuesday, April 29, 2003
welcome, sinners
Ithaca Reformed Church of Cyberspace
"Where you'll find Jesus on the Internet"
Pastor Rev. Billy Bob Ezra Kidder, DDS,MSW, DD, Ph.G.
Services Day or Night, 24 hrs. a day
Web Address http://www.ithacasucks.blogspot.com iscenral@hotmail.com
Mailing Address: POB#4057, Ithaca, NY 14850
Checks or Money Orders payable to:
Rev Ezra Kidder
Internet Sermonette for April 29, 2003
You get dozens of Spam messages every day, don't you, sinners. Hundreds a week. Offering you everything from porno to Viagra to free cash. Isn't that true, brothers and sisters? You feel bombarded, overwhelmed, frustrated, mad as all Hell. Every time you open your e-mail there's more junk mail. Your filters are working overtime. It seems like the web is turning into one big Sodom and Gomorra. Tell me it isn't so, sinners?
But let me ask you a simple question. Have you received an e- mail from Jesus lately? Have you bothered to read it? Did you know that Jesus has a site on the Internet? Did you know that God not only has angels to help Him do his work, that he also has servers and routers?
Cyberspace can be a pretty sinful place, brothers and sisters. But there is a ray of hope coming to you across the network. The Rev. Billy Bob Ezra is offering you something that you won't find anywhere else. He's offering you Redemption. He's offering you Salvation. The Rev. Billy Bob Ezra is offering you Grace. You can surf the Internet and still be in a state of grace, brothers and sisters. Yes, you can.You don't have to live in the stone age, you don't have to spend all your time in church, chanting and hollering Hallelujah. You don't have to handle snakes, you don't have to speak in tongues, you don't have to jump into those muddy waters to be baptized in the name of Jesus.
That one single ray of hope on the vast jungle we call the world wide web is the Rev. Billy Bob Ezra's Church of Cyberspace. The place you'll find Jesus, sinners. You don't have to hack it, please don't attack it, it's a sin to whack it, you don't have to put up with all the racket. That's poetry, sinners. The Church of Cyberspace brings you the poetry of the word. And we're not talking about Wordperfect either. We'll talking about the Word of God. Jesus is bigger than Bill Gates, sinners.
The Gospel is stronger than Microsoft, brothers and sisters. It wasn't Al Gore who created the Internet, sinners, it was the Lord. You better believe it, brothers and sisters. He's in charge of programming. He runs the MIS dept, sinners. Jesus knows what's going on your website. He keeps track of all 3 billion websites. Yes, He does.
You better open your e mail from Jesus, sinners. You better listen to what He has to say. He wants you to write out a check. Jesus wants you to take out your credit card. The Holy Ghost wants you to fill out the form below. Click the button. Send your contribution to the Rev. Billy Bob Ezra's Church of Cyberspace. The Lord wants you to do your share to keep the Gospel alive on the Internet. Yes, He does, sinners.
Have a nice day!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:30 AM
Monday, April 28, 2003
city of evil
Did you know that you are living in the city of evil?
You can buy a mug or t-shirt to prove it if you won't take Ezra's word for it. Just log on this web address: http://cafeshops.com/CityOfEvil,PRI.
Or you can log on another address and send 10,000 volts of electricity coursing through the body of some poor conservative Republican poli sci major up at Cornell - Http://ithacasucks.blogspot.com .
The proof of evil is in the evil you do, not in the evil they say you do.
There's a cabal of wannabe Rush Limbaughs up on the hill, paying over $30K a year for an education, who came up with the slogan. You can read more - http://freepers.zill.net/users/fixit_fr/Ithaca/WhyEvil.html. Typically, some fool attempted to parley that illiberal sentiment into a marketing ploy, to wit the City of Evil merchandise.
Ezra has done his homework. Ithaca is not the City of Evil. It's na na land. A beulah land of make believe liberals, so called progressives, clueless college students, simple country people down on their luck, and hapless transplants looking for the way out. It's an American Potamkin Village.
Nor is thaca one of the most enlightened cities in America as The Utne Reader claimed back in 1997. Ezra happens to know that a large cash payment was made to the magazine's editors prior to that particular issue. A concealed line item in the Common Council's PR budget. Everybody is trying to put a spin on the place. Why is that?
Say 'City of Evil' and you conjure up Fritz Lang's Metropolis, Berlin in the 20's, Vienna in 1890's, Havana in the '40s.
Look around Ithaca lately? Would you say it's home to resident evil? Does it remind you in any way of the Weimar Republic? Let alone some Temporary Autonomous Zone, scintillating in the juices of wanton liberation? You wouldn't call the Lost Dog a speakeasy, would you? There are plenty of drugs circulating but no opium dens. Would you call the Commons a casbah? Have you checked out any good brothels lately? Ithaca doesn't even have a red light district unless you stand outside of the Chanticleer, close your eyes and catch the faint glow of the neon rooster sign.
So what's with the City of Evil crap?
Maybe we should perform a little exorcism, form a torch light procession up Buffalo Street to the Poli Sci quad, locate Joe Sabia and his dwarfs, tie them to an ATM machine, gather up back issues of the New Republic and have a little Auto-de-Fe. That would be evil.
Disclaimer: Ezra is not advocating a revival of the Spanish Inquisition, witch hunts, excesses of piety, actual burning of heretics. He's simply seeking vicarious thrills. There's a subtle difference.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:54 AM
Sunday, April 27, 2003
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
April 27, 2003
CIMINELLI DEMANDS FIRST BORN
Negotiations between the City of Ithaca and Buffalo-based Ciminelli Development Co. entered a new phase Friday as the developer of a proposed downtown hotel and office complex came up with fresh demands.
Ithaca's Common Council had previously approved Ciminelli's request for a $50 million tax abatement and 100 years of free parking in order to finalize a contract which would allow construction on the Seneca and Tioga Sts. Site to begin in July. Representatives for Ciminelli returned to the bargaining table Friday with a new demand. Sources inform IS that the developer's new request calls for the surrender of every Ithacan resident's first born for the duration of the agreement.
Mayor Alan Cohen held a press conference in City Hall to denounce the new demands as "unreasonable, totally unthinkable."
Common Council is currently studying Ciminelli's proposal and plans to hold a vote next Wednesday.
LOCAL ACTIVISTS PLAN NORTH KOREAN FESTIVAL
Reacting to critics of this week's Ithaca French Festival, Paul Glover, a longtime area activist, told IS Friday that he and a group of organizers are planning a North Korea Day to be held in June.
"Ithacans like a good festival. If the local Republican Party doesn't like French toast because it's not patriotic, let them gag over dim sum."
Organizers plan to construct a mock nuclear reactor on the Ithaca Commons and hold a parade to honor Kim Jong II, North Korea's quirky President for Life.
A group of area residents, who had previously joined a boycott against French-imported products, are looking for ways to show their displeasure at Glover's new proposal.
"We've searched all over Wegman's for something North Korean to boycott. It came down to ginseng. A good share of the world's supply of ginseng happens to come from North Korea. We've got Viagra - who needs some Oriental root in a jar." Joe Kelly, spokesperson for Ithacans Against Pyongyang, told IS.
Download a 2.2 mb Korean Language Kit to your computer for only $29.95 so you can read the Ithaca Sucks Sunday Edition in Korean. Call 1-800 - xxx-xxx for details
MAYORAL CANDIDATE: ITHACA NEEDS DOG TRACK
Carolyn Peterson, 3rd Ward councilwoman and one of 400 Ithaca mayoral candidates, called Friday for a study to determine whether greyhound racing would be a feasible way to raise revenue for the city.
"We need to think out of the box when it comes to reviving Ithaca's failing economy," Peterson told IS Friday in an exclusive iterview. "Ithacans love dogs. Why not make them work for the community?"
OTHER WORLD NEWS
Rumsfeld: Saddam Wore Dresses, Owned Over 200 Versace Gowns.
Bush Appeases Moslems, Make Ramadan National Holiday.
Ashcroft: Bring Back Loyalty Oaths.
New US Spam Threat: Eat At Osama's.
Powell To UN - Belgium Has Weapons of Mass Destruction.
BUSINESS NEWS
10,000 Villages: An Ithaca Success Story
As this popular Ithaca business prepares to move into larger quarters next to Wildwear, owner Ottoline Morell took a minute out to reflect on the store's success.
"Ithacans love things that are kind of exotic. We literally sold hundreds of those little shrunken heads we brought in from the Amazon. Folks around here also like to think that they're doing something to make global trade more equitable. Moving into a larger space makes a lot of sense for us. Now we'll be able to display all kinds of larger objects like the elephant tusks we ordered from Kenya. We also made a deal for a couple of Iraqi tanks, you know, left over from Operation Iraqi Freedom. They'll make an idea backyard play set for kids. The people in Iraq are so creative. They painted "Bush is a Nazi" in Arabic all over the gun barrels. Ithaca is a progressive, political kind of town."
Ms. Morrell started the business several years ago in her home when she stumbled across python skins stuffed with down in a small shop in Rio. "They had been sewn by Amazonian villagers deep in the rainforest. Immediately I said to myself, people back home in Ithaca would love these. It all started from that simple beginning. In a week, I was headed into the jungle with a supply of hoolahoops and frisbees to trade with."
"We're trying a new concept this Spring here in the United States. You know, fair trade starts at home. We're calling the program '1,000 Prisons.' We're going to get prisoners from all over the country to make small woven baskets for us. It helps them to earn a little money for the things they need to make life more comfortable and provides them with skills training. Folks love the kind of stuff they do - all those hidden compartments and symbols they weave into the baskets."
ITHACA SUCKS TECHNOLOGY SECTION
Battlefield Technology For the Man in the Street
Military technology used in urban combat in Iraq may soon be available for everyday use.
A company in Virginia is manufacturing night vision goggles that cost less than $50. The Urban Warrior Corporation started in 1993 by a couple of Desert Storm veterans has created a pair of goggles such as one the one worn by the psychopath in Silence of the Lambs that can be worn to offset the advantage afforded to predators who use the cloak of darkness to surprise their victims. No longer will city dwellers have to fear walking the streets at night. The lightweight goggles come in different colors and sizes. They can easily be carried in a purse or pocket.
Another innovation right off the battlefield is a miniature computerized personal navigator that fits right on a keychain. Never get lost in a strange place and never have to depend on strangers for wrong directions again. Used by desert warriors in Iraq, the smart chip encased in a plastic cylinder resembling a compass actually sends a signal to a global positioning satellite that computes the owner's coordinates. Say you'll visiting Ithaca and looking for the Moosewood Restaurant. Instead of being sent to Groton on a wild goose chase, you'd simply type in a request. The satellite will flash back a city map of Ithaca providing detailed directions to get to the popular vegetarian eatery. Nicknamed "Nomad", the device is expected to retail for less than $175.
ITHACA SUCKS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Ithaca Society of ex-Priests and Nuns will hold its monthly meeting Wed May 5th at the Unitarian Church on Buffalo St. A lecture is scheduled on The Polish Captivity of the RC Church. Starts at 8:00 pm.
Taoists for Jesus will meet at Annabel Taylor Hall on Friday, May 7, 7 pm to discuss Christian Feng Shui.
Hazardous waste collection Saturday. Put your plutonium, asbestos, drug syringes, land mines, and Sarin gas canisters out before 12 am for pick up.
The CU Tamil Tigers will meet at Anabel Taylor Hall Friday May 7th at 10 pm to discuss plans for a camouflage sale to raise funds for fighters in Indonesia.
ITHACA SUCKS CLASSIFIEDS
Paid Informers Needed! Rat on your underground comrades and get paid for it! Call 1-800-xxxx-xxx . US Justice Dept.
Symbionese Liberation Army t-shirts for sale. The spirit never dies! Call 277-xxxx.
Refrigerator boxes available! Live outside this summer and save on rent! Call Jake, 27-xxxx.
Iraqi Treasures! We have 5,000 year old tiles from the Hanging Gardens! Perfect lawn ornaments. And more! Limited time only! 277-xxxx. Blast from the Past Bric-a Brac.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 9:49 AM
Saturday, April 26, 2003
cop watch
Your city is safe, Ithacans.
IPD Chief Victor Loo is now on the job.
Yesterday he was observed by Ezra, staking out the Lost Dog Cafe.
From across the boulevard, tucked in a doorway, talking calmly on his walkie talkie, no doubt to Command Central at Mr. Donut.
Perhaps he was just deciding where to go for lunch. Or waiting for that dangerous criminal mastermind, Graffiti-Man, to make a daring daylight appearance. Maybe he thought there was an old case that needed reopening. Find that dog, team! Roll out the black and whites. This is a dog town and we need to be on point.
There are probably more interesting cases to work on. Like where his police force is at any given moment.
Talk about culture shock. Here's a guy who policed in the Big Apple, made it all the way up to lieutenant by dint of brains and hard work, and now he's working lost dog cases in Ithaca, New York. Either he got burned out in NYC or he doesn't know how to read a map.
So it will be interesting to see how the Chief goes about his job.
Better believe there will be more police presence on the Commons. Ithacans want to feel safe as they walk past empty or closed store fronts. Only a handful of shops stay open past 6 pm most evenings. There hasn't been a good bar fight in years. No real holdups, either. If you discount the incident where employees faked a robbery in the Eat Dessert First place that used to in the old Ben & Jerry's spot on Cayuga. That's one way to guarantee a livable wage.
Sure there was a rash of graffiti. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. Plastered everywhere. That was more like a joke, though, than a crime wave. Graffiti-Man has probably reconsidered his position by now and starting hanging out at the VFW. After what Bush did to Iraq, you don't want to mess with that dude!
So what's the Chief going to do in Ithaca? Maybe he can send the boys and girls in blue door to door selling cop cookies. To make up for budget cuts in the IPD operating budget. Maybe they can start arresting dogs and taking them downtown for paw printing and booking until the City figures out this dog ordinance thing. Book him, Dano. Is that a schnauzer or a Shittzu?
Or, perhaps some folks around Ithaca will take pity on the Chief and organize a crime wave. Turn Ithaca into another Gotham City. Instead of the Joker (no one's really funny around here) we could have the Stoner. Likewise, substitute the IQ Tester for the Riddler. Radioactive catfish, Batman! And we have all the cat women we can handle already. Or is that catty women?
Yeah, we can have a whole cartoon character crime wave to keep the Chief busy so he'll forget that he's in Ithaca and not NYC. Get in costume and rob the pizza parlors. But only take the anchovies! Ezra can't stand anchovies. Dump them out in the lake and hope they spawn. That'll start the Chief thinking that he might have a vegetarian running organized crime in Ithaca. We could dress up as green peppers and wear masks. Imagine the Ithaca Journal headlines. Veggies Strike Again!
Some things are funny and some things aren't. In Ithaca, where a sense of humor has been MIA for a century, it's really hard to tell what is and what isn't. That's probably why only Ezra is stupid enough to write a humor column of any kind. Maybe he should just pack it in and join the police department.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:09 AM
Friday, April 25, 2003
satan's
Ezra often wonders why people only associate devil worship with guys who look like Charlie Manson.
Ezra's boss doesn't look a bit like Charlie Manson and people call him Satan. (Not Ezra! Ezra just calls him shithead.) Ok, my automatic spellchecker doesn't recognize the word 'shithead.' It's ok , though, if you write it as two words. When Ezra gets done with a page of text, the screen looks like it has shingles or something with all those wavy lines. Why is that? It makes Ezra sad to think that the nuns wasted their time beating the shit out of him for 8 years - he still can't spell. And those nuns worked overtime - each and every one was a graduate of Bergen Belsen. They weren't devil worshippers, were they?
Ezra's boss worships money. Money's the root of all evil, isn't it? Making more money consumes his every waking moment. That urge to accumulate little Ben Franklins is a hard, hungry, untiring worm inside of him - more like a soul stone passing down through his internal organs, causing him to spew out bile, turn inside out, change skins - to be pleasant one moment and turn into a complete asshole the next.
This isn't a family blog, is it? It's past 9 pm. Actually it's early morning as Ezra picks up the trail again, mindful that he faces another long day at the harassment factory. In this sluggish economy, the Bush economy, Ezra's boss has more Jeykll days than Hyde days. He's out of sorts almost all the time, The Dow Jones of misery around him plunging into the basement of human depredation.
Ezra's boss has probably been up all night reading the Necrominon. (spellchecker?) Lighting candles in front of a picture of a goat's head. Something or another with horns. (Maybe George Bush with a skull and cross bones headdress that looks like a goat's head.) Standing inside a pentagram. Making a pact with you know who. Ezra's boss will stoop to any level to get the green stuff pumping again. Even to the point of naming his first child Damien.
What if he changes the name of his business? Would that work to drum up business? Would that satisfy the pestilent fires of hell?
Satan's. Satan's of Ithaca.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:27 AM
Thursday, April 24, 2003
funnies
They're updating the Ithaca IndyMedia website.
Ezra thinks they should include a funnies section. Not that most of what you find on the site isn't funny enough.
Some folks are holding a Peace Summit here on April 26th. Most of the nation is waiting for us to invade Syria or Cuba. Hoping that further US launched invasions of other sovereign nations will improve the economy. Invading Afghanistan and Iraq hasn't, so far, but Americans are slow to learn from their mistakes.
A lot of people around the country are hoping the Pentagon will launch a War-TV cable station. They're proud that they purchased GI-Joe easter baskets at Walmart for their kids on the holiday. Violence sells. War is organized violence after all.
Most Ithacans haven't taken their No War on Iraq signs down. That's not a good indicator, however, since a lot of people haven't taken their Christmas decorations down yet, either. Do you blame them? It's still snowing.
The last peacenik bus to DC was only half full. Ticket sales were down. The organizers told the bus driver just to drive them to Watkins Glenn for the day.
Yet these folks have organized a peace summit. Is this the equivalent of lighting a match in a dark room? Eventually the flame will go out. Perhaps the peace movement needs to acquire a blow torch?
Preaching to the converted has been turned into an art form in Ithaca. Activists around here remind Ezra of what you'd get if you crossed a Unitarian with a Baptist. A holy coaster.
Ezra has been looking for contributors to his planned website. So he conducted a little experiment. He snuck a little piece in the IndyMedia Announcement. Make humor, not war. Email iscentral@hotmail.com if you're interested in writing for a local satire website with a political edge.
Do you think he received any replies?
Indymedia needs funnies. Ithaca needs a comedy club. They need to put something in the drinking water around here. Something to get folks to lighten up.
We also need Spring finally to make an appearance. How about it?
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:52 AM
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
what if
John Humphrey Noyes, founder of the Oneida Community, infamous proponent of Christian communism and 'complex marriage' met Ezra Cornell, founder of Cornell University?
You might have had Love University.
Instead of an International Labor Relations School , Cornell might have had a Relationship Institute.
Instead of a Vet college, Cornell might have had a Puppy Love school.
Dr. Ruth might have been Dean of Students. Imagine that.
Kinsey might have written his groundbreaking Sex and the Human Male in Ithaca.
Forget the agtech. Bring on the lovetech.
Do you know, the fact is that Noyes actually did live in Ithaca in 1837 . He published the first issue of his newspaper, The Witness here. After walking 140 miles from Kingston, NY - no Super 8's in those days! - to be closer to his lifelong soulmate , Abigail Merwin, who later bolted, leaving Noyes to drown his sorrows at the Chanticleer (?)
Holy cow, could he have possibly bumped into Ezra's namesake.? Is there something we didn't know about Ezra Cornell? How EC might have spent some of his millions, for instance.
A whole new field of research opened up today when we stumbled upon this little known fact about Noyes in Spencer Klaw's excellent Without Sin, a study of the Oneida Community.
Complex marriage, if you didn't already know, was a buzzword for free love, 19th Century style. At Oneida . this meant that John Humphrey decided which of his disciples had nookie , and with whom, and who got sent to the cold showers. And John Humphrey took it upon himself to initiate all the young female acolytes when they reached puberty. Which made him the David Koresh of upstate New York.
The Oneida Community in upstate New York lasted for 30 years or so, then dissolved as a love nest when some irate followers of Anthony Comstock came around, shouting 'Sinners!" John H. hopped a train to Canada. The less amorous, more business-oriented disciples of Noyes stuck around to run the silverware company that had been founded to provide a little industry when folks weren't trysting. The Oneida Flatware Company was recently sold to some conglomerate or another.
Noyes worked out a lot of his ideas about complex marriage in Ithaca before moving on to New Haven, Putney, Vt , and finally, Oneida, NY. Not much is known (so there is so very much to speculate) about his stay in Ithaca.
Did Ezra Cornell catch the love bug? Did he fund a secret love nest by the shores of Cayuga Lake? A little love shack for EC and close friends to exchange sacred bodily fluids? Somebody should also check out EC's flatware too, while they're at it.
Maybe we should continue John Humphrey's work where he left off. You know, it's time to turn the whole thing over to the Rev. Billy Bob Ezra's Church of Cyberspace. There's nothing like leftover love.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:54 AM
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
news from eco-cash village
It's Earth Day again, folks!
That means, show time! Let's get busy making money - I mean saving the planet!
The festivities get off to an exciting start with a buffet brunch at Windmill #6 catered by Moosewood. After lunch, we plan to form circles, sing a few songs, perform a Hopi Rain Dance to encourage those April showers as we organize a few photo opportunities for our ECV magazine, Riches of the Earth.
It's time to show off our green thumbs again. Eco-Cash Village is having its first annual Earth Day Organic Veggie Plant-Off today. Gather your seeds, tools: pop into your L.L. Bean designer coveralls and meet us in the fields next to the Palm Springs cooperative housing quad. We start at 2 pm so don't be late! Early to rise, early to bank!
ECV could use some new solar panels on our jacuzzi building. Let's do some fundraising! Cynthia Debodily has come up with an idea to bake some organic rhubarb pies and sell them at the Ithaca Farmer's Market for around $40 a pop. That should bring in some of the green stuff! Yummie.
Our Cornell-ECV internship program is getting off the ground. Don't forget to complete your work orders by April 30th! If you need the grass mowed, some leaves raked up or just about anything done around the condo, you can get a Cornell student to pitch in and do it for you. As long as it's designed to save the planet! And, let's face it, what isn't? (Just don't ask those kids to chauffeur you to the Farmer's Market! They're touchy about SUV's.)
The building fund for the new ECV neighborhood has gotten off to a fantastic start! We've already collected $7.56 million from earth-friendly corporations and donors. The Enron Recovery Corporation donated $2.4 mil! Imagine that! We're helping them to restore their good name and they're helping us to build condos! That's a dynamic partnership if there were was one!
Other Earth Day activities include a contra dance tonight at the Vanderbilt Pavilion. Starts at 8 pm after our Earth Day Rib Dinner.
This afternoon's guest speaker for the Mother Earth Lecture Series will be Lance Rotebager who will discuss cash crops in Costa Rica. Starts at 4pm.
So, it's shaping up to be a fantastic Earth Day. At Eco-Cash Village, we've come up with a winning formula to save the planet, live in communal luxury, play at being organic farmers and make some money all at the same time! It's important to reflect on a day like this how privileged we really are to be living in an oasis like Ithaca. Just keep it a secret from the folks in Newark, NJ!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:35 AM
Monday, April 21, 2003
never the twain shall meet
Today, April 21, is the 93rd anniversary of Mark Twain's death. Ezra wants to go public with an apology.
If you're like Ezra, you were force fed a regimen of Huckleberry, Tom Sawyer, and Jumping Frogs of some county or another at an age when you couldn't possibly appreciate the subtlety of Mark Twain's humor. Here, he was touted as one of America's greatest writers and all you wanted to do was to get your hands on a copy of Baudelaire's Fleurs du Mal, or Sartre's No Exit,or some European writer or another with the darkest vision of humanity possible. At least, that's how Ezra felt at a precocious age when the world of reading first opened up to him.
You see, Ezra grew up at a time just after the publishing industry had blossomed into what later became known as the paperback revolution. It's hard for most Americans these days to comprehend what the word 'revolution' even means. The term gets touted around so much as an advertising gimmick. Every time Microsoft comes out with a new version of Windows, it's revolution time in America, or so it would seem.
Actually, Ezra came along when the paperback revolution had already gained a foothold in America. Back in those days, every single minor work by every single minor writer on all five continents was actually in print in an affordable edition.Millions of books, billions of pages. All aging badly in boxes in someone's storage unit now. Americans Ezra's age must spend a fortune annually on storage fees. Because it was impossible not to collect books at that time, that is, if you had half an interest in books.
It's gratifying to find some young people who have the same interest in books and ideas that Ezra's generation did. Like DB who hauled over 30 boxes with him when he moved west recently to discover his destiny.
If you check out the semi-annual Friends of the Library Sale on Esty St. you'll find evidence of the publishing explosion of the 1960's -'70s. Thousands of books, all browning at different rates, all printed at a time when just about every title every written had been reissued. (At last year's sale, Ezra noticed about 400 copies of Theodore's Roszak's Making of the Counter Culture lying about. Guess that didn't work out, heh? No use keeping yesterday's stale message.)
It makes Ezra think about mortality. Folks are disgorging old books at an alarming rate. Ezra hopes it has nothing to do with the 'd' word. He wants to have his books buried with him. Might be the only way he'll have time to read some of them.
Anyway, with all these books around at the time Ezra was growing up, why would he ever want to read Mark Twain? Sure, he tried, or else, had to for some assignment or another. But, even Victor Hugo was easier going than Samuel Clemens. Reading about the sewers of Paris was a lot more interesting than reading about life on the Mississippi.
But times have changed and so has Ezra. Nowadays books cost a lot more money. Titles have disappeared from print at a disturbing rate. In the 1980's the publishing revolution exploded into the publishing nightmare as economics and changing tastes transformed the industry into a pulp factory. Jacqueline Susan (Valley of the Dolls) and Robert Ludlum replaced Knut Hamsun and Henry James on bookstore shelves. These days you have to browse used bookshops or library sales to rediscover the stuff you always wanted to buy at a time when you couldn't fit another book into your apartment.
And Ezra has rediscovered Mark Twain. He just picked up a copy of Twain's On the Damned Human Race. In the first chapter, Twain talks about an earlier version of Operation Iraqi Freedom. The Spanish American War. When we brought freedom and dignity to the people of the Philippines. Switch some names around - William McKinley for George Bush, Admiral Dewey for Gen. Tommy Franks - and, presto digito, deja vu!
You see, Mark Twain lived in a low, dishonest time in American history. The days of robber barons (baby corporations), yellow journalism (pre-Fox News), and bumbling, incompetent politicians (another Republican administration.) And Twain had been very much a participant in the life and craziness of his milieu. He wasn't simply another arm chair critic. Twain talks to our times now from the perspective of an experienced, reformed sucker. He lost his fortune in quixotic business deals, chased false messiahs (Christian Science), knew the leading people of his era (Edison, Teddy R.
More to the point Ezra is trying to make, Twain lived in small town America. Little hamlets like Ithaca. He understood the pseudo-pomposity, the hypocrisy, the quirkiness of small town life, and captured the flavor in his books. It's time to read a little more Twain this year and draw a few interesting comparisons between Ithaca and Hannibal.
Not that Ezra believes for a moment that he could ever become another Mark Twain. Ezra has ditched his belief in reincarnation. After an experience, 17 years ago, when he started imagining he might be the retread of Edgar Allen Poe. Ezra apologizes to Edgar Allen as well as to Mark Twain. (The pills really helped!)
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:39 AM
Sunday, April 20, 2003
IS SUNDAY EDITION
Sunday, April 20, 2003
SPECIAL EASTER EDITION
BUSH AND SADDAM TO ATTEND ITHACA PEACE SUMMIT
A spokesperson for the Ithaca Peace Summit Coordinating Committee announced today that both US President George Bush and toppled Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, are scheduled to attend the conference to be held on Saturday, April 26.
Saddam Hussein has not been been in public since US forces entered Baghdad a week ago. However, in an exclusive interview, Arc Mediamogul, head of Ithaca's IndyMedia Center and a sponsor of the Summit, informed IS that Mr. Hussein had signaled his intentions to show up during a collect call from Damascus.
Ithaca's Conflict Resolution Center, the main sponsor of the event, distributed a statement Friday, expressing the view that a peaceful solution to the ongoing war in Iraq was still possible.
"We're grateful to Mr. Bush and Mr. Hussein for announcing their intention to attend the Peace Summit. We hope they can both sit down at the same table to discuss the issues that effect Iraq's future. It is our sincerest hope that they'll be able to come together for a substantive dialogue, Ithaca style, over bagels and Gimme Coffee. "
CU SCIENTISTS RESURRECT EZRA CORNELL
In an announcement timed to coincide with Easter Sunday, a group of Cornell scientists claimed during a press conference Friday that they have cloned the DNA of Cornell founder and prominent Ithaca philanthropist, Ezra Cornell.
Molecular biologist and CU faculty member, Frank N. Stern, made public the group's successful effort using fragments of DNA recovered from hair samples to replicate the human whose fortune made possible Cornell's metamorphosis into one of the nation's leading research institutions.
"This man did so much for Cornell to make it what it is. Our breakthrough would not have been possible without his vision and dedication. We could not wait for someone of his talents and stature to come along again."
The joint effort of a team of molecular biologists, medical professionals and forensic anthropologists, Project Lazarus, nicknamed after the New Testament figure who was raised from the dead by Jesus Christ, was funded by a $6 million grant from Microsoft founder, Bill Gates.
BANK SPONSORS DIFFERENT KIND OF EASTER EGG HUNT
Tompkins County Trust Co. is sponsoring its First Annual Easter ATM Hunt on Easter Sunday. Updating the traditional easter egg hunt, long a Spring favorite with young children, the bank has advertised that several of its over 200 ATMS throughout the county will be rigged to dispense an additional $ 20.00 in free cash for select withdrawals under $50 on April 20. Bank spokesperson, Thomas Lute, explained to IS that the offer will only be valid at undisclosed locations for a limited time and will be restricted to TCT customers.
"We plan to give away over $5,000 that day. It's our way of stimulating the local economy and starting a new holiday tradition. People customarily take their families out to breakfast on Easter Sunday and need a little cash. Here's a way to pick up some extra along the way, get the kids excited about using ATM machines, and help out local businesses. ATM's aren't exactly slot machines but using them doesn't have to be a typical ho-hum experience. We're trying to make personal banking fun."
Winners who withdraw the $20 jackpot can expect to see their ATM screen flash with vivid spring colors, generate a recording of Judy Garland's classic The Easter Paradeand dispense a color-it-yourself drawing of the Easter Bunny.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
New Disney World Planned for Baghdad.
First Wal-Mart Set to Open in Iraq.
Cheney Steps Down, Rejoins Haliburton.
Osama Eludes Captors in GA.
Tony Blair Elevated to Regent
Afghanistan Changes Name, Becomes New Texas
ITHACA SUCKS BUSINESS NEWS
The struggling Ithaca economy has created new and non-traditional alliances as local businesses race to compete with national franchises for a share of a dwindling consumer market. They've found a way to synergize their efforts, save on rent and maximize exposure of their products.
In today's issue, IS is highlighting several of those quite surprising combinations of business ingenuity and team effort.
Leather Express/Talmadge Tire
You normally wouldn't expect to see a row of all-weather tread tires and a stack of batteries on display next to a rack of smart leather jackets. But managers of Leather Express and Talmadge Tire figure that it's a good mix.
"People who wear leather are generally car people. They interested in checking out the new leather car coats for Spring . Why not give them a chance to buy some new tires and a battery for their hotrod or chopper? " LE manager Tami Lizard explained on a recent Saturday as she arranged a display of gleaming brass tire gauges on the counter next to the watchbands.
The Plantations/Oasis Deli/Now You're Cooking
"It's a no brainer. You grow it, you cook it and you eat it. " Linda Tempeh, manager of Oasis Deli exclaimed. 'We're really happy to be in the center of things on the Commons. You can't have any more synergy than this. We're almost like Wal-mart. You can buy seeds to grow your organic carrots and radishes, grab a tasty snack or some tofu while you look around for a pot to cook it all in."
Autumn Leaves/Taste of Thai Restaurant/Jabberwocky/Optivision/Adult Playland
Joe Wetmore stood beaming in front of his remodeled store front on this particular Spring afternoon. The weather had suddenly improved in the last five minutes and there were lots of people out on the Commons. Some of them were likely to want to buy a used book, grab some lunch, shop for recycled fashions, buy a new set of frames for their glasses or a pair of shades and catch an x-rated video or two.
"We had all this space here. Three floors of space. Ithaca doesn't need that big a bookstore and our cafe wasn't doing all that well. This was the perfect solution." The longtime Ithaca bookseller and political activist explained to IS , smiling, as he watched a young man walk out of the store, carrying a paperback copy of Anais Nin's Diaries, looking stylish in a second hand Sihk cap he had just purchased upstairs in the Jaberwocky boutique, clutching a plain paper bag under one arm, a pair of souvenir chopsticks peeking out of his pocket, wearing dark glasses.
"Pyramid Mall, eat your heart out, " he smirked.
IS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Mithraic Brotherhood of Ithaca will hold their Spring Festival of Light commemorating the arrival of Ahura Mazda in the universe next Sunday at the Unitarian Church on Buffalo and Tioga.
Freeville veterans of the 113th SS Panzer Division will hold their 50th reunion at Lucatelli's Char Pit on Sunday, May 8th at 7:30 pm. A slide show comparing tank tactics then and now will follow dinner.
Anne Coulter, columnist and conservative gadfly as well as Cornell graduate will speak at Annabel Taylor Hall on Monday. April 28th at 7 pm. Ms. Coulter has been described by Salon Magazine as a "cross between Uma Thurman, Joan Rivers and Rush Limbaugh."
The Immaculate Conception Society for the Re-enactment of the Crucifixion will hold a brief organizing meeting in the IC rectory Friday April 25th to begin planning for next year's event.
ITHACA SUCKS HOME & GARDEN SECTION
Using Radioactive Isotopes to grow Geraniums
Sometimes it's nice to have a major research university next door for gleaning tips on how to improve your flower garden. The folks at the Gutterman Bioclimatic Labs have been very generous sharing their time and expertise to give IS readers some inside information on fast tracking your traditional geranium plants.
The following tips will help you to grow heartier, more luminous geraniums right in your own backyard.
1.Expose the bulbs to only 2 hours of radioactivity. Any longer, you'll end up with a garden Cherynobl.
2. Keep the canisters containing the isotope a minimum of 3 feet from the bulbs.
3.Always wear a protective suit and gloves when working with radioactive materials!
4.Use ordinary potting soil when potting your geraniums. No need for MiracleGro. These babies will do quite well on their own!
5.Build a fence around your plants to keep pets and other backyard critters away. You don't want to see Felix glow in the dark!
6.When the first sprouts begin to appear, remove them to a dark room to see if the buds give off a faint luminescent glow. If not, you may have to start over.
7.When the plant is fully developed, check to see if there's a pile of dead insects in the planter. If so, you've got geraniums that will never need maintenance, grow year round and will never require repotting.
ITHACA SUCKS CLASSIFIEDS
Plutonium! Get it while it lasts! Call Cornell Physics Lab =277-4854.
Handmade Duct Tape Dresses. The next fashion craze! Call See-Spot 277-2121.
Looking for a ready to submit dissertation on Milton's use of flatulence metaphors in Paradise Lost? Call Joe, 277-4849.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:28 PM
Saturday, April 19, 2003
off the cliff notes
You live in a college town with all these wunderkinder walking around. Some of them spend upwards on $30K a year to acquire wisdom. That's more than double than you will ever earn making subs at Short Stop or brewing Joe at Juna's.
Do you occasionally feel like a complete moron when you happen to overhear a conversation between a couple of these wannabe Heideggers.? (see notes.) Have trouble finding anything published after 1976 at the TCPL? Want to stay ahead of the curve next time you happen to catch a discussion of Judith Butler at the Chanticleer?
What is it that they learn up there on the Hills? Besides how to dissect cats, breed bovines with bigger bust lines , use a credit card and make dinner reservations?
Finally, a series of college guides for the rest of us! Ithaca Sucks introduces Off the Cliff Notes, an exciting and dynamic sequence of purloined lecture notes, term papers retrieved from dumpsters, knowledge gleaned from old textbooks off the Autumn Leave $1 cart, as well as occasional graffiti. Many PhD dissertations were actually inspired by scribblings on the stalls up at Cornell.
Let's get started!
Today, we're discussing Performance Theory.
No, it's not about sex. College students, however, do think a lot about sex. We can only hope they receive a better education than we did! What goes on behind those ivy-covered, Neo-Gothic brick facades might astound you. Any one of those pimply faced undergraduates might make Dr. Ruth look like Curly from the 3 Stooges when it comes to sex.
Performance Theory is about how we perform our roles in society. How we perform, for instance, the difficult task of tanking up our Camry when we find ourselves in a self-pump state like New York. A lot of people living in New Jersey, for example, never leave their cars when they pull into a gas station. It requires that you deconstruct terms like 'nozzle' or complex instructions such as 'pay inside.' Living in NY State means that you have to re-evaluate your role as a consumer of gasoline.
Without further introduction, let's dive into the stimulating world of Theory. First, you are asked to read and comprehend a sample text. Later, we'll quiz you on your understanding of the passage.
"If, as Haraway says, "feminist embodiment resists fixation and is insatiably curious about the webs of differential positioning" (Modest_Witness 196), I think we can productively use Butler's call for radical performances of gender to change the arguments about what might constitute a gendered academic body or a gendered technological body when it is performed on the web.
A quick reprise of Gender Trouble*:
While second-wave feminism (womenÕs liberation) had no problem speaking for and to the categories "woman" or "women," more recent (third-wave feminist) understanding of the exclusionary and non-representative nature of such categories leads Butler to explore the origins (genealogy) of the implicit binaries (man/woman, male/female) of which "woman" is the "other" half. She begins by detaching "gender" from "sex" (or vice versa) and arguing that both might be either pre-determined or open to construction, depending upon the terms of the debate, and uses three theorists to posit alternatives to a masculine, binary, empirical, hierarchical, equally constructed "norm."
~ Simone de Beauvoir proposes that one "becomes a woman," rather than "being" one, but that there is a strong cultural compulsion to do so that works against the idea of "becoming a woman" (or not) as a free choice. Beauvoir problematically retains the binary (man/woman, One/Other, first/second), but
~ Luce Irigaray claims that women are outside of, unrepresentable by, the dominant discourse on gender, which constitutes a closed, phallogocentric system in which men are both the subject and the Other.
Wittig introduces the concept of compulsory heterosexuality as a regulatory practice, a way of reproducing man as the "universal" subject and woman as "sex," understood primarily as her/its bodily manifestation. Although the idea of woman as "marked" by sex is institutionalized, Wittig believes that contesting male/female binary through practices and language can erase or trouble Irigaray's "hegemonic signifying economy."
Butler offers these theories (radically oversimplified above) on gender, sex and desire as ways of deconstructing the hegemonic, naturalized discourse on sexuality. However she is not optimistic (naive?) enough to believe that this rhetoric alone will effect any change in the circumstances of woman/women/any particular woman. Rather she argues that an understanding of how discourse shapes the ability to act will allow individual destabilization within (because there's no place outside it) the framework of the dominant discourse, and that this destabilization should take the form of performances that "trouble" that discourse on sex and gender.
Butler famously suggested drag as the gender performance of choice. However, as noted above, performance of gender as a technological body is an alternative "troubling" that might also effect destabilization of the sex/gender discourse.
Several options are open for women as they consider creating their own web site:
The performance of non-performance
One approach is refusal, fueled by either technophobia or a belief that "It's not my job"; but such a refusal is itself a definitive performance of gender, accepting the position of "Other" to the technological male;
Performance by citation
This is the model of the academic sites explored here. By definition, citation of institutional templates and hierarchies is a reduplication of the unified subject, a fictive presence that serves the needs of the institution rather than its own.
The performance of insurrection
A repudiation of the juridical constraints that artificially regulate the academic technological body might require what Katharine Young* calls a "realm shift," but the movement of the body to the web constitutes a new realm, and the possiblity of a new discourse. Rejecting unity, linearity, closure and control in favor of promiscuity, instability, and excess is not easy; nor is accepting incommensurability. Performance exceeds intention. Bordo's comment on inhabiting different locations, and letting each speak in turn, applies here:
[T]he security and elegance of theoretical unity are replaced by the different satisfaction of having sometimes incommensurable realities (that is, real life) described with precision, intelligence, and honesty.
Quiz:
1.What are the author's main points? Do you care? Have you even made it this far?
2.Do you feel this text improves your understanding of Cornell students? Do you feel pity, sorrow, jealousy? Appreciation of the fact that you only have to deal with the Ithaca Journal and the menu at the State St. Diner?
3.Do you feel the text improves your understanding of Performance Theory?
4.Are you ready to move on to the Off the Cliff Note Taking Your Cat's Temperature?
*Martin Heidegger. Nazi philosopher; wrote Being and Time. Skip it and read Anne Landers' essay on being on time instead.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:05 AM
Friday, April 18, 2003
christian science
Karl Marx spent mostly every day for years in the reading room at the British Museum, working away on Das Kapital .
Ezra tries to drop in at the Christian Science Reading Room on Cauyga St. every chance that he has to work on his magnus opus - The Lack of Capital.
Imagining Marx, this big, shabbily dressed guy, crouched over his books and notes, surrounded by the trappings of imperialism somewhere in that shrine to British civilization. Chipping away at the foundations of Capitalism for twenty years.
In his own lackadaisical, humble way, Ezra is burrowing under the edifice of Ithaca's social order. It's no coincidence Ezra gravitates to the Christian Science Reading Room. It's part of the american imperium. Reaching even into this humble hamlet.
How can the Christian Scientists afford to pay the rent? How many copies of Mary Baker Eddy's Science and Health do have to sell to pay $1,200 in rent every month plus staff, utilities etc. 15,000 copies of the Christian Science Monitor? That means more people in Ithaca read the CSM than the Ithaca Journal? (I said, read - not buy. Do you think Ithacans buy the Journal just to have something to recycle?)
Have you ever met a Christian Scientist? No, Ezra don't mean a scientist who goes to church on Sunday, opens up a hymnal and sings along to "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." Era means a member of the Christian Science church. Some guy who'd rather be flopping around on the sidewalk, coughing up blood and convulsing in paroxysms rather than visit his HMO. Do you know anyone who's met a Christian Scientist? Any Hollywood celebrities? They're all Scientologists. Christian Science was the precursor of Scientology. Think of Mary Baker Eddy as a 19th Century John the Baptist. Waiting for L. Ron to arrive in a spaceship.
You find Christian Science reading rooms all over the globe. There's a big map on the wall with little push pins. Just like the Pentagon War Room. They have to pay some one to dust off the stacks of Science and Health, reposition the push pins and sit behind the register reading. Do you think they really read Mary Baker Eddy? More like Justine or 100 Nights of Sodom and Gommorah.. (De Sade is very popular with retail clerks in Ithaca for reasons that may not be obvious if you haven't worked retail.) Have you ever see anyone sitting and reading in a Christian Science Reading Room. They must kick out the homeless.
So, maybe it's fair to assume that Christian Science Reading Rooms are actually fronts for the FBI, Russian intelligence, Al-Quaeda, something a little more sinister?
Would you believe that they serve as a front for a very old American cabal of Boston millionaires. The wives of men who went on to Harvard to become doctors and scientists? A group of wealthy, somewhat sickly, nonconformists, dilettantes and dabblers in arcane scriptures? They radiated out from Lynn, MA in the late 1900's, scored millions in good marriages, publishing contracts, stock market deals; buried their trail deep in trust funds and charitable foundations. They spread like an octopus over the globe in a matter of decades. Mary Baker Eddy died a millionaire in 1910. Seems like there's always money to be made in religion.
"A loose confederation of millionaires and billionaires." Paul Simon
Just the tight community of hardware store owners, bankers, lumber barons, real estate developers, telegraph magnates that used to own Ithaca. Before Cornell inherited the place.
The Tremans, Sages. McGraws, Cornells, Morses, Williams of Ithaca.
Conspicuous wealth. Have you ever checked out some of the stately Victorian mansions around Ithaca? Most of them now house Greek Letter fraternities. Like Ezra Cornell's modest digs up on the hill, overlooking his sprawling, woodland empire. Does the ghost of Ezra Cornell still roam the halls at night? After tinkering with water power generated by Ithaca's gorges for a while, EC went off to invent a plow that proved instrumental in laying the first intercontinental telegraph line. Versatile. Then he settled back to watch his wealth grow through mergers & acquisitions, willing bits and pieces of it away to guarantee his own immortality. And that the millionaire's club would flourish far into the future through principles of sound management dispensed at the University that bore his name.
Then there was Abner Treman. He founded the town of Trumansburg. So someone made a mistake and didn't name it Tremansburg. No matter. Everyone knew he ran the operation. Abner and his offspring made sure that plenty of other things would be more accurately named.
Or the Morses. They invented a better bicycle chain, parleyed it into a powertrain empire. Their vast factory straddles West Hill.
Or the Newmans and Bloods. These enterprising families kicked the cows off of Cayuga Heights and sold parcels of land to other wealthy families, starting the first big real estate boom in Ithaca.
Don't follow the Wine Trail or the Art Trail. Follow the money trail.
This land is your land, this land is my land. We wish.
It makes you want to quit smoking, stop drinking, stop eating at Short Stop, stop paying health insurance and go into the Christian Science Reading Room for a copy of Science and Health and find out how to make money.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:39 AM
Thursday, April 17, 2003
virtual ithaca
Get rid of your lawn signs. Take down the No War on Iraq placards, already?
The war on Iraq is a thing of the past. Ezra can tell because the MSN homepage is featuring a woman with her face totally wrapped in bandages. And she's not Iraqi. She's not even GI Jane after being caught in ' friendly fire.'
MSN is talking about the merits of plastic surgery. The perfect thing to think about after watching 4 weeks of war on the boob tube.
We switch from images of dying children to women having their chins lifted. Normalcy.
That's not what Ezra wants to talk about today though. He's doing a survey.
When was the last time you were downtown? Yesterday? A week ago? Six months ago? 15 years ago? Are you planning to visit the Commons any time soon? Do you ever plan to go downtown ?
Ezra knows. Visiting the Ithaca Commons can get sort of depressing. All those empty store fronts. The old CVS empty for years. Ithaca Logos going out of business now. Overpriced, gloomy boutiques. Or second hand shops. Not the fashions of today flown in from Paris or Milan. The fashions of 15 years ago. Not the bestsellers of 2003 displayed in huge stacks in the window. The bestsellers of 1842. Or used copies of Valley of the Dolls.
It's sad. Bring your own prozac along when you visit downtown. There's not even a pharmacy to get your prescription filled.
Soon you might not even be able to get close to downtown. Unless you live there or take a cab from Lansing. Between Ciminilli's demand for half the parking spots in Ithaca, all the construction on Cayuga Green behind the library that will be starting up soon, work on the Cornell Hilton, the potholes, the Commons will be inaccessible. It'll resemble downtown Baghdad more than the county seat of Tompkins County, New York.
Ezra think that somebody should be working on an alternative. Ithaca, being the town of alternatives.
A Virtual Ithaca.
Rebuild the whole damn thing on the Internet. Then you won't have to worry about the dog ordinance. You won't even have to worry about stepping in poop or getting approached for spare change or a cigarette by some panhandler or underaged smoker. You can visit lovely downtown Ithaca from the comfort of your own den. Save money on parking too.
Think about it.
The entire city of Ithaca accessible to you online. Click on the Leather Express icon and be able to order some new S&M gear
without ever having to visit downtown, park 12 blocks away and view all the depressing scenes of urban decay.
Or click on the 3D Light icon and place your order for Ecstasy Cigarettes. Then click on the Autumn Leaves link and order a copy of Silent Spring, have it mailed to your home. Maybe they'll even thrown in a recycled plastic bag. (Joe W. believes in recycling and saving $$ on shopping bags for his customers. ) How about visiting the homesite for See Spot Gallery? Check out the depleted uranium exhibit or the cute duct tape fashions? No reason to go downtown, is there?
Then you could order take-out online too. Try some of the dead duck soup from the new French restaurant that just opened on Cayuga St. You could enjoy Nouvelle Cuisine right off the Internet, at home without having a bunch of animal rights activists staring at you angrily through the window.
Ezra thinks it's a brilliant idea. Might put a lot of people to work as deliverymen or women. Get the local economy rolling again
Even help out the folks at the Post Office. Ezra hears that they're not too happy. Just the other day they staged a demonstration outside the Tioga St branch. Don't want them to go 'postal', do you?
Ithaca could become internationally famous. One of the first virtual cities.
Or they could just put the whole damn thing on E Bay and try to sell it to the Japanese or the Russian Mafia.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:59 AM
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
tax man
Waiting for the last minute to file your taxes?
Upset about where your tax $$$ are going?
Not sure if you want to pad Dick Cheney's retirement account? Buy new panty hose for Condoleeza Rice? Finance cosmetic surgery to remove Paul Wolfowitz's liver spots?
You feel some kind of protest is in order, but not sure you want to risk the wrath of the IRS by not paying any taxes? Hasn't the IRS been merged, after all, with Homeland Security?
Ezra has the solution!
Take a fine point marker, neatly cross out the line on your 1040 where you can donate $3 to the Presidential Election Campaign. Write in, instead, that you want to donate $3.00 to Ithaca Sucks.
If 2 people do it, the IRS will think that it's a bunch of weirdos. Can you imagine some of the things people send in with their tax returns? Specimens of human blood, toe nail clippings, naked pictures of themselves? Americans are still crazy people despite the bland rap they get from the mainstream media.
But if 10,000 people write in that they want to donate $3 to Ithaca Sucks, the IRS has a tax revolt on their hands!
Georgie doesn't need any money for his re-election campaign! On the other hand, Ezra could really use the money!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:33 AM
Sunday, April 13, 2003
IS SUNDAY EDITION
April 13, 2003
SPECIAL CAREER/JOB FINDER ISSUE
FISH FRY
In the last three days thousands of dead fish have been washed ashore on Cayuga Lake. City environmentalists are now studying the temperatures at the out-take pipes from Cornell University to determine the cause of this massive ecological disaster. Unofficial sources have told IS that radioactive traces of plutonium have been detected in water samples coming from CU.
Lance Mergatroit of the Ithaca Coalition Against Lake Effect Pollution held a press conference yesterday, telling reporters, "This isn't just another Love Canal. What we have here is more like Bikini Beach." Mergatroit was referring to U.S. Atomic bomb tests on Bikini Island in the Pacific during the 1950's.
Cornell University officials could not be reached for comment. In recent months, public attention has been focused on CU's stockpile of plutonium left over from the University's now defunct nuclear labs. Plans have not yet been finalized to transport the hazardous waste to a disposal site in Ohio.
Boat owners at the Ithaca Marina in Tremain Park have recently reported incidents of the plastic finish melting off the bottoms of their craft. IS has collected accounts of local fishermen who have caught brightly fluorescent Lake pike and catfish from the shore of Stewart Park.
Mergatroit, a longtime critic of Cornell's transfer of lake water to campus for cooling and heating, commented during his press conference about the potential dangers of radioactive contamination of Cayuga Lake. "One day Ithacans are going to wake up and discover that they have a Loch Ness monster that resembles Barney, the big purple dinosaur living in their lake. This thing's going to make Godzilla look like a hamster."
DOGS IN, BIRDS OUT!
Common Council voted unanimously Wednesday to lift the dog ban on the Ithaca Commons, at the same voting for a ban that prohibited birds from using the City's downtown trees.
Sue Blumenthal, 3rd Ward, told IS after the vote. "We haven't worked out all the details yet. We anticipate that we'll be meeting a few more times to discuss some of the issues. Ithacans have sent us a clear signal what their pet preferences are. "
Blumenthal was referring to the fact that Ithaca now boasts a dozen dog grooming businesses and not a single pet store within a 10 mile radius. It has long been known that more Ithacans own dogs than parakeets.
"You never see anyone feeding the birds on the Commons." Blumenthal remarked. Those nasty things just poop all over the place and make such an incredible racket."
It has not yet been worked out how city officials plan to restrict individuals of at least a dozen bird species common to Ithaca from invading downtown airspace. Unofficial sources have told IS that a group of Cornell ornithologists have been called in to study the problem.
MAYORAL RACE CROWDS UP
With the entrance of the Cornell Hockey team into the Ithaca mayoral race, the number of candidates now seeking that office tops 400.
Yesterday, the entire 12 to 8 am shift at Ithaca's Short Stop announced that they would be throwing their collective visor into the political arena. The mayoral field now includes 15 TCAT drivers, 12 deli clerks from Greenstar, 42 animal rights activists, 87 declared peace candidates, 15 VFW members, 4 dentists. 2 acupuncturists, 19 masseuse, 17 restaurant owners, 9 telemarketers, 15 hockey players, 4 sandwich makers, 2 former members of the Cornell 10, 7 Buddhist monks, 2 ex-Republican guards. 13 Cornell seniors, 11 Cornell juniors, the former lead singer of Grand Funk Railroad and an Irish wolfhound.
CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MISSING
Cornell authorities reported Friday the disappearance of Ruloff's brain from a display case in Uris Hall. The 4 lb fully preserved organ belonging to the notorious 19th century criminal mastermind, philologist and convicted murderer has been swimming in a formaldehyde solution since 1881 when Ruloff was executed by hanging in Binghamton,NY.
Cornell spokesperson, Harry Lime, told IS Friday. "It's the strangest thing. This doesn't appear to be your usual college prank or even a break in for that matter. The part of the building where the brain was housed had been completely locked overnight and nothing else appears to be missing. When we checked the film in the surveillance cameras, we noticed nothing at all out of the usual. It's a total mystery. The only thing that the campus security found during their investigation was a trail of some form of slime on the parkay floors leading down the corridor."
NEW DRUG TESTED ON CU STUDENTS
Pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer, announced Friday that researchers have been conducting clinical trials of a controversial new drug on 300 Cornell students.
The drug Warzone is designed to enhance an individual's psychosocial readiness to accept authority and overcome feelings of alienation that are produced by a person's need to "go it alone", experiment with non-mainstream attitudes and causes , and deviate from widely held norms. Labeled the '1984 Drug' by its critics, Warzone was developed in a joint effort by the US Army and Pfizer.
According to preliminary findings, subjects who take Warzone regularly are less likely to question authority, more inclined to accept what their government, school or parents tell them and when responding to polls and opinion surveys tend to follow the bell curve.
Dramatic evidence of Warzone's effectiveness is apparent in a series of e-mails sent by a Cornell junior. In an e-mail written by the student, a 20 year old male Sociology major, before he started on Warzone, he wrote, " This war sucks big time! George Bush should be taken out and strapped to a missile aimed at Texas!" After two weeks on Warzone, the same student e-mailed, "I'm checking out joining the ROTC program here at Cornell. Yesterday I attended a pro-war rally with a couple of my buddies. I'd sure like to see all those anti-war protesters spend Easter in North Korea."
Noticeable side effects of taking the drug Warzone include an intensification of belligerent behaviors while driving, a sudden intolerance for racial or ethnic minorities , and an increase in the amount of time spent watching tv.
Other World News
Tariq Assiz spotted in Tel Aviv. Pg 2
Bush calls Cuba a "rogue state" and threatens military action. Pg 5
Anarchy declared in Iraq and Iraqis like it. Pg 3
Tom Ridge resigns, Bill Gates named as new Secretary of Homeland Security. Pg 4
ITHACA SUCKS BUSINESS WEEK
How To Tell If Your Boss Is a Jerk
Ithaca Sucks offers a few questions to help you determine if the person you're working for is a complete ass or just the run of the mill, garden variety despot.
1.Does your boss repeat the same asinine lecture disguised as gems of business wisdom every time they see you?
2.Does he/she tell you they had to take a cut in pay because business has fallen off so much? But your boss still owns two cars, takes two vacations a year and eats out every night?
3.Does he/she repeat constantly how hard they work but, in terms of actual output, you're convinced your boss works less than part-time?
4.Does your boss rank you out in front of other employees but, when you're alone together, praises your performance?
5.Does your boss constantly upbraid you about maintaining a professional demeanor, then swears like a truck driver, pacing up and down, with a cell phone pasted to one ear?
6.Does he/she lecture you interminably about the importance of 'detail', then forgets to sign your raise?
7.Does your boss zap you with a remark about how you worry too much about lunch, not enough about work, then takes 3 hour personal lunches every day?
8.Does your boss say, I'll be right there to help you, five hours ago?
9.Does your boss give you a 15% raise, then heaps on 75% more responsibility?
10.Do you constantly lie awake at night worrying how the business can possibly survive with your boss running the show?
If you answer yes to all these questions, chances are your boss is a total ass.
ITHACA SUCKS PET CORNER
Does your cat dream about you?
Pet psychologist, Lois Litter, says that cats do dream about their human companions. After all, she says, cats spend so much time sleeping. What else would they dream about? Cats can't tell us their dreams but Dr. Litter provides a few simple tests to find out if your cat ever has sleepy time visions of you.
1.Put a picture of President George Bush next to your cat as he/she starts to doze off. Then, in fifteen minutes, once your cat has lapsed off into a deep state of slumber, wake the animal up. Does your cat look immediately at you or the picture? This may not be a scientific test of your pet's' unconscious states, but Dr. Litter claims that this will also prevent your pets from sleeping too much when they should be up and about getting some exercise.
2.Change your personality dramatically. Read National Review to your cat. Force your cat to watch Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh on tv. Switch to an inferior brand of cat food. Experiment with not changing the litter in the cat box. Or line it with back issues of the Ithaca Journal. Tell your cat that you expect it to kill Syrian or Palestinian mice. Then closely observe the animal as he/she sleeps. If you notice that your cat is experiencing nightmares -easily recognized by signs like twitching muscles, unconscious hissing sounds, etc. - consider having the animal's nails clipped.
ITHACA SUCKS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Cornell Chapter of the Tamil Tigers meets at Annabel Taylor Hall every Wednesday night at 9:30 PM.
Ithaca College's Mens Yodeling Club will host its annual Swiss Night at Asia Gardens on Saturday. April 9 at 8:30 PM. Tickets are $35.
Earth Day is April 27th. "Save the Earth" bumper stickers are now available at Autumn Leaves.
IS CAREER/JOB FINDER
You've probably heard it a thousand times. Ithaca has one of the toughest job markets in central New York. IS' own job counselor, Ezra Kidder, thinks that the difficulty of finding a job in Ithaca is overrated. He feels there are plenty of jobs here for the asking. To assist job seekers who are just starting their search or have experienced setbacks, he's laid out a few tips.
1.Don't shoot for the moon when first starting out! You're not going to walk into a $75,000 job running the Paleontological Research Institute. Trim your expectations! Consider a job polishing fossils at PRI.
2.Don't waste your time signing up for workshops and seminars at agencies like Workforce Development that will help you to increase your job marketability. Their only job is to provide jobs for themselves! Consider starting your own job agency or work skills development agency.
3.Look for the hidden job market. If you pass a restaurant and spot someone throwing out the garbage, approach the person and ask if he needs help.
4.Always prepare a resume and carry a supply with you. Most businesses in Ithaca can't afford applications.
5.There are only 2 or 3 Fortune 500 companies with branches in Ithaca. Consult the Ithaca Sucks' Terrible 2 listing for organizations big enough to be looking for lots of job applicants.
6.Don't bother applying at Cornell unless a) you're related to the President, Provost or member of the Board, date a tenured professor, know 15 foreign languages, 10 computer languages, can decipher Linear B, or possibly all of the above, b)can withstand loads of humiliation, cold stares and degradation, and being put on a 20 year waiting list or c)like to wash dishes.
7.Go out and buy a used cash register. Practice your skills every day. Include on your resume the fact that you own a home cash register.
8.Consider volunteering as a way to get a foot in the door. Many Ithaca businesses, including retail stores, accept volunteers. Most of those volunteers never get hired but you can always dream, poison the water cooler or sleep with the boss!
9.Combat the dull stare that greets most applicants when they come into an Ithaca business cold, looking for job openings. Dress in a 7 foot chicken costume, streak into the shop carrying only a resume, have pizza delivered in advance.
10.Think about collecting redeemable cans or bottles to save up to buy a car so you can start looking in Binghamton or Syracuse.
ITHACA SUCKS LIFESTYLE PAGE
Profiles in Diversity
You may have noticed her/him cycling up and down State St. Hill or cruising the Commons retrieving cans or bottles from recycling bins. Lisa/David is a familiar figure in Ithaca, decked out in a blonde wig, outfitted in black leotards and a little jeans jacket. The makeup is a little overdone, the curves somewhat suspect, but this doesn't disguise the fact that Lisa/David is all transvestite.
Ithaca is a town that celebrates diversity but Lisa/David definitely pushes the envelope. Most of the time she/he doesn't rate a second glance. But, you can always tell a visitor from Freeville by the way they stop dead in their tracks when Lisa/David scoots past.
Lisa/David spends a good part of her/his time earning a living. After 10 years trying to get a job at Cornell, she/he settled into the relative security of a career picking cans and bottles for redemption. After all, it's Ithaca 7th largest industry. Sure, competition is tough right now with many temps flooding the market, scouting out the major sites along Aurora St. and the Commons. But Lisa/David is realistic about the industry's prospects.
She/he has outflanked the competition by going mobile on a low-slung four wheel bicycle fitted in back with a capacious luggage rack. And, by 6 pm every day, the huge plastic bag shimmying behind Lisa/David as she/he pedals home, is usually full.
You've got to admire Lisa/David's ingenuity and courage, carving out and sticking with a territory explored by few Ithacans. It's not only a way to avoid the draft, it's a lifestyle.
IS CLASSIFIED
Bootleg war videos! The stuff CNN or the networks never showed you! Special One
Week Sale while supplies last. 2/$25.00. Call 277-4287.
Surplus No War on Iraq lawn signs! They make beautiful garden ornaments! Tie dye them, cover them with your favorite Harry Potter characters! Impress your neighbors! Call 277-4287.
Glow in the Dark Fishheads! Decorate your kids' playroom, collect the whole series from catfish to Lake Pike. Save on energy bills! Call 277-2121.
Army surplus Republican Guard uniforms! Reasonably priced. Tired of your old Chinese Army shirt! Be the first one on your campus to own an elite special forces outfit. Uniforms of the World, 125 Edy St., Collegetown. 277-2174.
Business Opportunity. Wonder Bread route open in Fall Creek. Call 277-2154 for information.
Used Catherine Oertel. Great shape! Play your favorite Buxtehude tunes at home.
$500. Call 277-2156.
ITHACA SUCKS PERSONALS
Are you a pink flamingo in a organic whole wheat town? Looking for love in all the wrong places! Hey, so am I! Let's get together for chicken barbecues, squirrel bisque, square dancing, target practice, taxidermy, hog wrestling, hollering in the hollers', collecting Confederate flags. Seeking W/F 15-52 for some good ole country fun. Don't be ashamed of who you are! It's rednecks like us that made this country great! Everybody else had a college deferment when the call went out for patriots. Send a pic and phone number if you want some a little lovin' in the hay. Proud to be an Okie from Freeville. Box 501, IS.
REMEMBER THE NEEDIEST! SEND YOUR EXTRA FOOD STAMPS TO THE MILLIONAIRES IN CAYUGA HEIGHTS. CONTRIBUTE TO THE IS EASTER CAN DRIVE. THE RICH LOVE THOSE LITTLE CANS OF VIENNA SAUSAGES MARINATED IN PORK JUICES!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 10:44 AM
Saturday, April 12, 2003
sidewalk critic
Ezra ran into Fay Gougakis outside of Juna's the other day. She had some poor hapless fool in tow. As the guy squirmed like fish bait, Fay launched into a tirade about the aesthetics of the Commons.
Ithacans might consider pooling their resources to send Fay to Cornell's School of Architecture. (That will keep her away from the Commons more.) Or else, they should elect her mayor.
If you're new to Ithaca, haven't caught her act on Channel 78 as she lectures Common Council or just haven't bumped into one of Ithaca's most eccentric yet, let Ezra explain who she is. . Fay Gougakis is Ithaca's resident gladfly, the unofficial Mayor of Ithaca. She's been around for 20 years, griping about landlords, disrupting Common Council meetings, stalking Alan Cohen. Fay can usually be spotted wearing a bright yellow helmet and a fluorescent flak jacket, riding her trusty bike over to to Juna's every morning.
Fay graduated from saving whales and dophins to saving Ithaca. Inasmuch as Ithaca, unlike dolphins and whales, has no natural predators except it's own stupidity, Ezra can only imagine that she's declared war on brainlessness.
Fay was arrested once for getting into a screaming match with Alan Cohen in Council chambers. The cops hauled her away in handcuffs. News of the ruckus spread like wildfire over the back pages of the newspapers. A regular Ithaca cause celebre. Is that French? Some Ithacans have really gotten into francopilia lately (rhymes with necrophilia.) Paul Glover wants to organize a French festival in Ithaca to celebrate France's UN stand against George Bush's ugly little war. He overlooks the fact that France had a few ugly little wars of its own. Paul is a '60s style radical who also seems to overlook the fact that this ain't the '60s.
The sad truth is that Fay has been much maligned and ridiculed by the very community she cares about so much. Nobody cares about this town like Fay. She even cares about what happens down at the Inlet despite the fact that she lives in Fall Creek. Nobody in Ithaca gives a hoot about the inlet - - except Alan Cohen's buddies, the restaurateurs and bar owners who run the show down there and, of course the Cornell rowers. Maybe Fay wants to be on the crew team.
On this particular morning Fay was haranguing some poor guy about the new brickwork on the Commons. So it ain't so straight. The guys who were laying it look like they might have learned their trade at the Chanticleer. And she soon goton to the subject of her favorite pet peeve. The ugly gray wooden 4 ft. high cover over the penny fountain between Juna's and the old Home Dairy. (Do you know how many people don't know the Home Dairy went out? There are still folks coming downtown looking for the Rosebud which went out 10 years ago. The fact that these same folks come downtown only once in ten years is a reason the Home Dairy and the Rosebud went out of business in the first place. People never seem to connect the dots around Ithaca. Or they assume their neighbors are going down to the Commons every weekend as proxies to support downtown businesses.)
Fay hates that ugly gray fountain cover with a vengeance. "Does that look aesthetically pleasing on the Commons?" Ezra heard her shouting.
Fay has only one volume - loud!!! When Fay goes into the Greek Orthodox church to say confession, the priest has to empty the building to afford her a little privacy.
But you know something, she's absolutely on target sometimes!
A bunch of cub scouts with a gift certificate from Home Depot could have designed a better solution to winterizing the fountain. Ezra thinks that the thing they have now, this gray wooden stage- like thing, could have made an interesting soap box. For spontaneous orations and agitprop. The sad fact is that there haven't been any Wobblies around town for decades. If there ever were Wobblies in Ithaca. Ezra has been searching for some sign of Ithaca's radical past. Like the traditional joke about Ithaca summers, the radical past probably lasted one day.
Al Cohen would probably turn that gray thingee into one of those lazy susan type pillories like in the movie Hunchback of Notre Dame. Give Fay a few spins.
Ugliness seems to be Ithaca's stock and trade. Let's face it, outside of the spectacular natural surroundings, a few buildings here and there, what's beautiful about Ithaca? If the new Alernatives Credit Union building across from the bus station represents Ithaca's latest architectural trend, give us a break, Look how ugly the Cornell campus is. A hodgepodge of styles from neo-Gothic to Office Max Modern. Functional clutter with no clue as to aesthetic unity. Check out the Vet building. Looks like some sort of a big red brick space heater or Coleman stove with glassed in stairwells.
Maybe we should really send Fay to Architecture school!
Sure, you say, Ithaca is just some small cold Northern town out in the boonies. Plagued with a bad climate and a worse economy. Not the Paris of the Finger Lakes or anything like that. Why would you expect to find Brancusi's on the Commons?
Ezra happens to think that beauty is the essence of life. The lack thereof reflects a lot of what's wrong in our society. For thousands of years, beauty has been the province of the well-heeled with a feeble trickle down effect benefiting the rest of humanity. That's the reason for museums. The real expensive VanGogh's , however, are kept under lock and key in some Japanese bank vault.
A local gallery owner told Ezra that Ithaca has the worse market for the visual arts he's ever seen. People will not spend $50 let alone $300 for an original painting. The large, ambitious, trendy gallery - Wessex -Bristol - over Angel Heart closed within 3 months of opening. Artists, on the other hand, complain that the their stuff goes unexhibited except in places like Autumn Leaves where the owner uses art to sell apple turnovers in his cafe. Little Joe also has a decidedly neo-Stalinist taste in art. If it's not a painting of a Green Party pioneer biting into an Autumn Leaves' apple turnover, forget it. The painting won't hang there. Ezra would think that artists might have gotten the message by now and moved to New Hope, Pa.
So what about the Ithaca Art Trail? Consider renaming it the Ithaca Art Crawl, Do you think people ever visit some of those remote studios out in the suburbs? Where you see a Cape Cod with two rusted Volvos parked outside and a sign that indicates it's a point along the Art Trail?
One day Ezra would like to sneak up on some unsuspecting outpost of art for art's sake and paint -NUDES! CHECK IT OUT! - on the signboard. Then, see if art tourism picks up.
The art and artifacts exhibited at the See-Spot Gallery represents the future of the visual arts in Ithaca, The cutting edge, if you want to go that far. Maybe you just want to go and cut your wrists. Who knows?
In closing, Ezra would like to spring a fantasy on the reader(s). In his soul of souls, he'd like to see something like an Ottoman Revival in Ithaca. A warm, bright, sensuous, sun-drenched, colorful celebration of the senses let loose on drab, dour Ithaca.
Turn the Farmer's Market into the Casbah. Have Moorish arches instead of golden arches. Bring back seraglios, eunuchs, minarets, janissaries, a sultan's palace or two.
Hey, maybe we could get one of Sadam's presidential palaces for a new city hall.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 2:20 AM
Friday, April 11, 2003
talking magpies
Next to Antiques Road Show, Ezra's favorite television program is Channel 78's broadcast of Ithaca City Council meetings Wednesday nights.*
A regular parliament of fowls. Puffed up roosters in sweaters. Swaggering crows in sneakers. Chaucer didn't have a tv, did he? Maybe he snuck into the House of Commons one day to hear a debate on the War of the Roses? Ezra is about a thousand years away from his good old golden school days so he can't tell you why Chaucer came up with the idea for his classic parody. We do know, however, that he predated C-SPan and Pegasys so it goes to figure that politics hasn't changed much in all these centuries.
The suction produced by all the verbiage emitted into the atmosphere at a typical Common Council meeting could run TCAT for a week. If the City switched over to wind-powered buses.
Ezra has his favorite City Council personalities. Mayor Cohen, of course, tops the list. Ithaca's own Tony Blair look-a-like. Ok, he vaguely looks like Tony Blair. But don't overlook the similarities between Al and Tony's political skills even if you dismiss the physical resemblance. Alan Cohen is one smooth operator! Like a fine salad oil, his personal charm spreads out to form a slick whenever he's in the room. And when he's not in the room, there's no stopping Carolyn Peterson from filling the vacuum left by hiz honor.
Do you think Carolyn wants to be Mrs. Mayor? Ezra thinks that she'd be a perfect mayor for Ithaca. On a self-importance meter, she rates about an 11. Then, she's blonde, articulate, deeply concerned with the issues, a real policy wonk if there ever was one. The way she flips through her sheath of papers, you know she's organized. And she's been around forever. Back in the '80s, Carolyn had already done a stint on City Council. She was one of Ithaca's young Turks with a finger in every jam jar around town.
Ms. Peterson represents the Social Worker/Human Services vote on Common Council. Down to her toenails, Carolyn personifies the Human Services profession in Ithaca. Soft spoken, prunish, formidably self-righteous, disinclined for a moment to consider that she could be wrong, she looks at the camera from behind those trendy wide rimmed glasses like she knows that she has ALL the answers. Give her a chance and Carolyn will guide all of our destinies.
Next on Ezra's list of IIP(Ithaca's Important People) is David Whitmore. He represents the college student vote. Well, he looks like he's in college! Maybe he's getting a little old around the carefully manicured beard.
The college vote is important in Ithaca. It's only been recently that this bloc has had a presence on Council. Was it the need to bring on new blood or new money that convinced Ithaca to reach out to college students? Everybody else in town had done at least 5 stints on Council! Those kids pour a lot of money into this community. Three quarters of the restaurants would go out of business if they left town forever. And Alan Cohen knows about importance of restaurants! He made his political fortune on soup de jour.
The major thing to watch in David Whitmore is the fact that he's so self-referential. He constantly refers back to something he's already said or done. That means he has an established identity, a beach head on the Ithaca coast, as it were. He doesn't have to prove himself continually. Even if he doesn't appear to have a clue, he has at least an identity! We know him from the Ithaca Times cameos, his important work on the Patriot Act resolution, his untiring efforts for peace.
It's a good thing (as Martha Stewart says) that Common Council meetings are televised. In a lot of municipalities and counties around the US, the business of governance goes on behind closed doors. In noisy, smoke filled rooms. Now, in Ithaca, you can't smoke within 20 feet of City Hall. The politicians eat granola bars and health food snacks from GreenStar during Council meetings.
So, gazing blankly at the tv screen, trying not to fall asleep and keep up with the monotonic spell of Carolyn Peterson's voice, we can really say - this is what democracy looks like. The reason American troops swarmed all over Iraq, The reason over 100 Americans and countless Iraqis lost their lives. The reason why Cuba may be next on the hit list for the fabulous Bushs. (Jeb needs all those expatriate votes to get re-elected so he can help his brother fix the next presidential election.)
The truth is that few of the Americans who died in the desert during Operation Iraqi Freedom would ever had held elected office. Even if they lived in Ithaca, they might never have won a seat on Common Council. Most of them would have been working two jobs to feed the wife and kids. They never would have made it out of the trailer parks, the projects, the ghettos where the governed have to live in order to bask in the political limelight.
Most Americans can't afford to ante up for a run for office. They certainly don't have the time to gather names on petitions, stand out in parking lots, shaking hands and slobbering over prospective voters. Instead of sitting around a meeting room, jabbering endlessly about a Liveable Wage policy, our unsung heroes of the desert would have been sitting drugged in front of a television set at this time of night. And they wouldn't be watching a broadcast of Common Council subcommittee meeting either. They'd be too tired, that is, if they could still counted among the living, from trying to earn a liveable wage to follow all the gibberish.
Ezra has heard a rumor that, when Carolyn gets elected mayor, she plans to hire Martha Stewart to redecorate chambers.
*Be sure to follow Ezra's continuing coverage of political events in Ithaca, the nation and the world on Politics as Usual, a regular feature of Ithacasucks. Ezra's new website -www.ithacsucks.com - is within 5 years of construction. He's hoping to get a grant from A Plus and Short Stop. For the time being, type in 'ithacasucks' to your MSN browser and you'll come up with the one and only ithacasucks.blogspot . Google hasn't figured out yet we're the best place to go on the world wide web to get the dirt on Ithaca, New York.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:28 AM
Thursday, April 10, 2003
acid reflux
(or the Ithacasucks History Channel *)
"Mr. Peabody, where are you when we need you?" -Ezra Kidder
Washington Burns
The American cabinet's response to the landing of British troops in Chesapeake Bay was one of utter confusion. The poorly trained militia forces, hastily mustered under Baltimore lawyer William Winder, were easily routed by the seasoned British troops.
The British 3rd Brigade, with General Ross and Rear Admiral Cockburn at its head, is the first to enter Washington. Snipers fire on them from a house and kill a British soldier and a horse. A group of soldiers smash down the house's door. They discover the snipers have fled, so they burn down the house with Congreve rockets in retaliation. The retreating Americans blow up the navy yard at almost the same instant.
The British soldiers now turn their attention to the Capitol. The government building is made almost entirely of stone and will not be easy to burn. The soldiers do their best, however, they chop up shutters and doors and add rocket powder, eventually managing to start a fire in every room.
The House of Representatives contains better fuel; it burns so intensely that glass melts, stone shatters, and marble is burned into lime. The Treasury is next, followed by the President's mansion, where the soldiers discover a table set for forty people. The meal is apparently intended as a victory dinner, and Ross and Cockburn decide to sit down to the feast. They toast the Prince Regent and then set the mansion on fire.
The pillaging goes on for two days. A number of private homes also go up in smoke. On the second day, Cockburn goes to the offices of the anti-British National Intelligencer with the intention of putting it to the torch, but a number of neighborhood women beg him not to because they fear the flames will spread to their own homes. Cockburn agrees not to burn the building. Instead he orders the contents moved out onto the street and burned. Make sure that all the presses are destroyed, he tells his soldiers, so that the rascals can have no further means of abusing my name..
After the second day of the occupation, the inhabitants of Washington are ordered to remain inside to avoid the risk of death. New fuel is added to the fires to ensure they will burn all night. The British troops surreptitiously make their way by twos and threes to the edge of town where they form up and withdraw. Four days later they are back aboard ship.
It was a humiliating time for the Americans: their Capitol had been burned to the ground, their cherished citizen soldiers beaten by disciplined British regulars, and their government officials driven out of Washington and scattered throughout the surrounding countryside.
The British succeed to a certain degree, in diverting American leaders. attention away from other theaters of war. The American government is in shambles and will be thoroughly incapable of efficiently directing the war effort for the next several weeks.
Excerpted from snatches on the following webpage. http://www.galafilm.com/1812/e/events/wash.html
America's forgotten little war. It's convenient to forget history. That way we can repeat it until we get it right. Then it's Miller Time.
America, don't feel so proud. You toppled Sadam, cowed the other Arab nations in the Middle East, showed off your military prowess to the rest of the world. You're on your way to setting up a puppet regime in Iraq composed of folks who owe their position and future fortunes to the US. It's the dawning of the second American Century.
But, at the first light of an earlier century, America was in quite another position. James Madison, puffed up with braggadocio, threatened to invade Canada. Except the British Empire, still smarting from its defeat at Yorktown, didn't think much of the idea. They still owned Canada. So they decided on a 'pre-emptive strike.' Yep, the War of 1812. Outside of tidbits of information like who wrote the 'Star Spangled Banner', American schoolchildren don't learn much about that little episode from our nation's past. Funny, I don't remember Hollywood ever making any movies about the War of 1812 either. Can you think of any? Now, here's a country that can box office magic out of the Mexican-American War (Pres. Polk's shady little land grab in Texas.) Remember the Alamo! But, never a star-studded extravaganza about the burning of Washington. Funny, isn't it?
Well, some Canadians are proud of that aspect of their history. A Canadian band wrote a little song about it, excerpted below. You better believe that this little ditty never played on American radio.
"We fired once more and the Yankees started running,
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, oh, oh....
They ran through the snow and they ran through the forest,
They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn't go.
They ran so fast, they forgot to take their culture,
Back to America, and Gulf and Texaco
So, if you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches, and we'll burn the White House twice
And the White House burned, burned, burned,
But the Americans won't admit it
It burned, burned, burned,
It burned and burned and burned
It burned, burned, burned,
Now, I bet that made them mad
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies
Waa waa waah."
Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie, 1998
*A feature of www.ithacasucks.com
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:21 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2003
http://www.WebShrink.com
Thank you for visiting the temporary url of WebShrink, your confidential and professional online mental health care provider. In the future, you will be able to access this site through www.ithacasucks.com.
WebShrink is the Internet's only 24 hour a day online counseling service. Our trained staff of board certified professionals are available day and night to answer your questions, provide short or long term individual or group therapies in our confidential chat rooms, or help you to renew your prescriptions at our new online pharmacy. Utilizing the latest technology including webcams and video conferencing, WebShrink recreates the therapy experience right in your own home!
At WebShrink, you don't need to wait for an appointment. You don't need to keep staring at your watch to see moments of precious of therapy time tick away. At WebShrink, counseling sessions are not limited to the traditional 50 minute hour. Spend 15 minutes or 2 hours - the choice is yours!
And remember, at WebShrink, we don't go off on vacation in August, leaving you at the tender mercy of bartenders, cab drivers and strangers to satisfy your therapy needs. WebShrink is there for you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!
WebShrink offers you every kind of therapy or treatment option online. Check below for the choice that best suits your personality, family or cultural background and experience.
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Are you a first time client at WebShrink? Please fill out the easy and convenient registration and patient information form below. In the space provided you will need to indicate briefly the reasons you are consulting WebShrink and the type of therapy that you believe would be most beneficial. Please click on the link for the online DSM IV if you need specific details or terminology to describe your presenting symptoms. This will save time and help our professionals diagnose your condition.
If you are a returning client, please type in your password and go right to the WebShrink site.
Webshrink is a registered trademark of the Kidder Institute located in Ithaca, New York, 'Therapy and Social Work capital of the United States." * Visit our new Orgone Treatment Center. Remember our slogan, "A little zap will do you."
*Ithaca has more registered mental health workers per capita than Beverly Hills or Palm Springs, Calif.
http://www.onlineDSMIV.com
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:04 AM
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