A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
acid reflux


(or the Ithacasucks History Channel *)

"Mr. Peabody, where are you when we need you?" -Ezra Kidder

Washington Burns

The American cabinet's response to the landing of British troops in Chesapeake Bay was one of utter confusion. The poorly trained militia forces, hastily mustered under Baltimore lawyer William Winder, were easily routed by the seasoned British troops.

The British 3rd Brigade, with General Ross and Rear Admiral Cockburn at its head, is the first to enter Washington. Snipers fire on them from a house and kill a British soldier and a horse. A group of soldiers smash down the house's door. They discover the snipers have fled, so they burn down the house with Congreve rockets in retaliation. The retreating Americans blow up the navy yard at almost the same instant.

The British soldiers now turn their attention to the Capitol. The government building is made almost entirely of stone and will not be easy to burn. The soldiers do their best, however, they chop up shutters and doors and add rocket powder, eventually managing to start a fire in every room.

The House of Representatives contains better fuel; it burns so intensely that glass melts, stone shatters, and marble is burned into lime. The Treasury is next, followed by the President's mansion, where the soldiers discover a table set for forty people. The meal is apparently intended as a victory dinner, and Ross and Cockburn decide to sit down to the feast. They toast the Prince Regent and then set the mansion on fire.

The pillaging goes on for two days. A number of private homes also go up in smoke. On the second day, Cockburn goes to the offices of the anti-British National Intelligencer with the intention of putting it to the torch, but a number of neighborhood women beg him not to because they fear the flames will spread to their own homes. Cockburn agrees not to burn the building. Instead he orders the contents moved out onto the street and burned. Make sure that all the presses are destroyed, he tells his soldiers, so that the rascals can have no further means of abusing my name..

After the second day of the occupation, the inhabitants of Washington are ordered to remain inside to avoid the risk of death. New fuel is added to the fires to ensure they will burn all night. The British troops surreptitiously make their way by twos and threes to the edge of town where they form up and withdraw. Four days later they are back aboard ship.

It was a humiliating time for the Americans: their Capitol had been burned to the ground, their cherished citizen soldiers beaten by disciplined British regulars, and their government officials driven out of Washington and scattered throughout the surrounding countryside.

The British succeed to a certain degree, in diverting American leaders. attention away from other theaters of war. The American government is in shambles and will be thoroughly incapable of efficiently directing the war effort for the next several weeks.

Excerpted from snatches on the following webpage. http://www.galafilm.com/1812/e/events/wash.html



America's forgotten little war. It's convenient to forget history. That way we can repeat it until we get it right. Then it's Miller Time.

America, don't feel so proud. You toppled Sadam, cowed the other Arab nations in the Middle East, showed off your military prowess to the rest of the world. You're on your way to setting up a puppet regime in Iraq composed of folks who owe their position and future fortunes to the US. It's the dawning of the second American Century.

But, at the first light of an earlier century, America was in quite another position. James Madison, puffed up with braggadocio, threatened to invade Canada. Except the British Empire, still smarting from its defeat at Yorktown, didn't think much of the idea. They still owned Canada. So they decided on a 'pre-emptive strike.' Yep, the War of 1812. Outside of tidbits of information like who wrote the 'Star Spangled Banner', American schoolchildren don't learn much about that little episode from our nation's past. Funny, I don't remember Hollywood ever making any movies about the War of 1812 either. Can you think of any? Now, here's a country that can box office magic out of the Mexican-American War (Pres. Polk's shady little land grab in Texas.) Remember the Alamo! But, never a star-studded extravaganza about the burning of Washington. Funny, isn't it?

Well, some Canadians are proud of that aspect of their history. A Canadian band wrote a little song about it, excerpted below. You better believe that this little ditty never played on American radio.

"We fired once more and the Yankees started running,
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico, oh, oh....
They ran through the snow and they ran through the forest,
They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn't go.
They ran so fast, they forgot to take their culture,
Back to America, and Gulf and Texaco
So, if you go to Washington, its buildings clean and nice,
Bring a pack of matches, and we'll burn the White House twice
And the White House burned, burned, burned,
But the Americans won't admit it
It burned, burned, burned,
It burned and burned and burned
It burned, burned, burned,
Now, I bet that made them mad
And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies
Waa waa waah."

Three Dead Trolls In A Baggie, 1998



*A feature of www.ithacasucks.com

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:21 AM