A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

christian science

Karl Marx spent mostly every day for years in the reading room at the British Museum, working away on Das Kapital .

Ezra tries to drop in at the Christian Science Reading Room on Cauyga St. every chance that he has to work on his magnus opus - The Lack of Capital.

Imagining Marx, this big, shabbily dressed guy, crouched over his books and notes, surrounded by the trappings of imperialism somewhere in that shrine to British civilization. Chipping away at the foundations of Capitalism for twenty years.

In his own lackadaisical, humble way, Ezra is burrowing under the edifice of Ithaca's social order. It's no coincidence Ezra gravitates to the Christian Science Reading Room. It's part of the american imperium. Reaching even into this humble hamlet.

How can the Christian Scientists afford to pay the rent? How many copies of Mary Baker Eddy's Science and Health do have to sell to pay $1,200 in rent every month plus staff, utilities etc. 15,000 copies of the Christian Science Monitor? That means more people in Ithaca read the CSM than the Ithaca Journal? (I said, read - not buy. Do you think Ithacans buy the Journal just to have something to recycle?)

Have you ever met a Christian Scientist? No, Ezra don't mean a scientist who goes to church on Sunday, opens up a hymnal and sings along to "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." Era means a member of the Christian Science church. Some guy who'd rather be flopping around on the sidewalk, coughing up blood and convulsing in paroxysms rather than visit his HMO. Do you know anyone who's met a Christian Scientist? Any Hollywood celebrities? They're all Scientologists. Christian Science was the precursor of Scientology. Think of Mary Baker Eddy as a 19th Century John the Baptist. Waiting for L. Ron to arrive in a spaceship.

You find Christian Science reading rooms all over the globe. There's a big map on the wall with little push pins. Just like the Pentagon War Room. They have to pay some one to dust off the stacks of Science and Health, reposition the push pins and sit behind the register reading. Do you think they really read Mary Baker Eddy? More like Justine or 100 Nights of Sodom and Gommorah.. (De Sade is very popular with retail clerks in Ithaca for reasons that may not be obvious if you haven't worked retail.) Have you ever see anyone sitting and reading in a Christian Science Reading Room. They must kick out the homeless.

So, maybe it's fair to assume that Christian Science Reading Rooms are actually fronts for the FBI, Russian intelligence, Al-Quaeda, something a little more sinister?

Would you believe that they serve as a front for a very old American cabal of Boston millionaires. The wives of men who went on to Harvard to become doctors and scientists? A group of wealthy, somewhat sickly, nonconformists, dilettantes and dabblers in arcane scriptures? They radiated out from Lynn, MA in the late 1900's, scored millions in good marriages, publishing contracts, stock market deals; buried their trail deep in trust funds and charitable foundations. They spread like an octopus over the globe in a matter of decades. Mary Baker Eddy died a millionaire in 1910. Seems like there's always money to be made in religion.

"A loose confederation of millionaires and billionaires." Paul Simon

Just the tight community of hardware store owners, bankers, lumber barons, real estate developers, telegraph magnates that used to own Ithaca. Before Cornell inherited the place.

The Tremans, Sages. McGraws, Cornells, Morses, Williams of Ithaca.

Conspicuous wealth. Have you ever checked out some of the stately Victorian mansions around Ithaca? Most of them now house Greek Letter fraternities. Like Ezra Cornell's modest digs up on the hill, overlooking his sprawling, woodland empire. Does the ghost of Ezra Cornell still roam the halls at night? After tinkering with water power generated by Ithaca's gorges for a while, EC went off to invent a plow that proved instrumental in laying the first intercontinental telegraph line. Versatile. Then he settled back to watch his wealth grow through mergers & acquisitions, willing bits and pieces of it away to guarantee his own immortality. And that the millionaire's club would flourish far into the future through principles of sound management dispensed at the University that bore his name.

Then there was Abner Treman. He founded the town of Trumansburg. So someone made a mistake and didn't name it Tremansburg. No matter. Everyone knew he ran the operation. Abner and his offspring made sure that plenty of other things would be more accurately named.

Or the Morses. They invented a better bicycle chain, parleyed it into a powertrain empire. Their vast factory straddles West Hill.

Or the Newmans and Bloods. These enterprising families kicked the cows off of Cayuga Heights and sold parcels of land to other wealthy families, starting the first big real estate boom in Ithaca.

Don't follow the Wine Trail or the Art Trail. Follow the money trail.

This land is your land, this land is my land. We wish.

It makes you want to quit smoking, stop drinking, stop eating at Short Stop, stop paying health insurance and go into the Christian Science Reading Room for a copy of Science and Health and find out how to make money.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:39 AM