A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

civic improvement 101

Reading the feature on the Oasis Deli in the latest issue of the Ithaca Times, Ezra couldn't help thinking that our city planners must be out on a permanent donut break.

It's a Wednesday morning in April. Ezra is standing downtown on the Commons. At least he thinks he's downtown. A construction crew with bulldozers or whatchamajiggers and jackhammers is tearing up the sidewalk. The seasoned whatchamajigger operator is finessing a 20 lb paving stone into the bucket of his hydraulic scooper while two crew members stand around and watch. This goes on for approximately 15 minutes and, in the end, the men have to lift the stone manually and plop the stone in the bucket. How much is this costing the city? Why can't they do this with dog poop? Or why can't they hire college students in the Civil Engineering program at Cornell to do this kind of work?

Ezra only counts about 5 people in the entire downtown area. Mostly at Juna's buying coffee. It's 11:30 am. A quick walkby of the row of shops commencing at American Crafts by Robbie Dean and ending at Leather Express confirms that there is no one shopping in any of these businesses. Lonely retail clerks straightening and restraightening the same merchandise they just straightened.

Maybe that's the problem. Ezra is not really downtown! Or perhaps there is an alternative downtown? Have they moved it somewhere and not told Ezra? Another Ithaca Commons in time and space filled with early Spring shoppers looking for bargains on fashions and accessories for the change of season. Hey, it's the change of season , folks! Get with it! This only comes around once every 12 years in Ithaca!

The busiest shop on the Commons at this moment, besides Juna's, the only coffee shop remaining downtown, is 3D Light, the headshop with the 'Ecstasy Cigarettes Available Here' sign on the door. A steady stream of neo-Goths and high school students stream in and out. No one ever seems to carry any merchandise out! No cute little 3D Light shopping bags. What's the deal?

So Ezra reads in the Ithaca Times how Oasis is struggling to stay in business. According to the Times, the deli took a 25% hit in revenue when the library moved from Court St. to Green. Mayor Cohen is quoted as admitting that relocating the Public Library was a soul-harrowing "foot traffic decision." It came down to moving it to Green or losing it to Lansing? Lansing!!!! Were they considering sticking it in the Pyramid Mall where the Bon Ton is?

Ezra has put his thinking cap on to come up with ways to draw people back downtown and make the Commons vibrant and an attractive destination for shoppers and other city residents. Here's a sampling of what he came up with on short notice.

Declare Mondays and Wednesdays topless days on the Commons. Ezra realizes that this idea may involve converting downtown into an enclosed, climate-controlled mall, a very costly project indeed! In the warm weather, of course, the idea works just fine. Perhaps, during the rest of the year, the retail workers could go topless!

Move Pyramid Mall downtown. Tear down the stretch of Ithaca from Geneva to Plain St. and relocate all the exciting stores up at Pyramid close to the center of Ithaca. Obviously, Lansing benefited from the City's previous anti-development mindset but now things have changed! Happy Al is mayor! Bring 'em on down!

If you can't move Pyramid Mall downtown, at least open a Wal-Mart where the Public Library is now. Ithaca doesn't need that big of a library. The IPL can't afford to buy new books anyway with its present budget. You can move the Library down to Esty St. to where the Friends of the Library Book Sale is located now. Aren't we being a little pretentious now, Ithaca, devoting two 25,000 sq. ft. buildings to public library functions? That's more than the entire Syracuse library system!

The Ithaca Festival is fun for some people but it only happens once a year. Schedule more big downtown events. Like Frontier Days with Mayor Cohen dressed up as Ezra Cornell, the City Council dressed up as settlers or Indians. Stage mock battles with old flintlocks and Revolutionary era costumes. Have people demonstrating early Colonial skills like butter-churning and quiltmaking. Or have Civil War re-enactors stage a mini-Gettysburg with East Hill being Little Round Top. Re-enact Picket's Charge on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Plan to throw in a little 'collateral damage' to make things more exciting! A family from Freeville? Eh?

Stage an auto-de-fe or public execution! Folks love a good public hanging. Pile some brush in the open space outside the Ithaca Center and burn a heretic or two. Perhaps Victor Loo, our new police chief, can track down the 'Bush is a Nazi' graffiti-man and we can burn him! At least a stockade or two will perk public interest in coming down to the Commons.

Coax the movie industry back to Ithaca. (According to Tompkins County history, Ithaca boasted a thriving movie colony back in the '20s.) Have Schwartzenager blow up half of downtown for special effect! (Then we can pay Dick Cheney's outfit to rebuild it.) How about a tv remake of Peyton Place or In the Heat of the Night (re-titled In the Cold of the Day.) This way the whole town can become a backdrop, unemployed Ithacans can work as extras. Ithaca will be famous!

Revoke the damn dog ordinance. Organize a dog show in Center Ithaca! It'll help the new grooming business on the Commons. Doggie Style? At least someone in Ithaca has a sense of humor!

Tear out the center of the Commons, drop in some container gardens and plant corn! Then Ithaca can have a real Farmer's Market . U-Pick it!

Have an SUV show on the Commons. If indoor malls can have car shows, why can't pedestrian malls?

Invite Michael Jackson to perform live on the Commons some Saturday. He's probably looking for a booking closer than Thailand right about now.

Ezra has only skimmed the surface. There are a million ways to revitalize the Commons and get that downtown mojo rising again. E-mail in your suggestions and have them printed in future blogs.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:23 AM