Yesterday he was observed by Ezra, staking out the Lost Dog Cafe.
From across the boulevard, tucked in a doorway, talking calmly on his walkie talkie, no doubt to Command Central at Mr. Donut.
Perhaps he was just deciding where to go for lunch. Or waiting for that dangerous criminal mastermind, Graffiti-Man, to make a daring daylight appearance. Maybe he thought there was an old case that needed reopening. Find that dog, team! Roll out the black and whites. This is a dog town and we need to be on point.
There are probably more interesting cases to work on. Like where his police force is at any given moment.
Talk about culture shock. Here's a guy who policed in the Big Apple, made it all the way up to lieutenant by dint of brains and hard work, and now he's working lost dog cases in Ithaca, New York. Either he got burned out in NYC or he doesn't know how to read a map.
So it will be interesting to see how the Chief goes about his job.
Better believe there will be more police presence on the Commons. Ithacans want to feel safe as they walk past empty or closed store fronts. Only a handful of shops stay open past 6 pm most evenings. There hasn't been a good bar fight in years. No real holdups, either. If you discount the incident where employees faked a robbery in the Eat Dessert First place that used to in the old Ben & Jerry's spot on Cayuga. That's one way to guarantee a livable wage.
Sure there was a rash of graffiti. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. BUSH IS A NAZI. Plastered everywhere. That was more like a joke, though, than a crime wave. Graffiti-Man has probably reconsidered his position by now and starting hanging out at the VFW. After what Bush did to Iraq, you don't want to mess with that dude!
So what's the Chief going to do in Ithaca? Maybe he can send the boys and girls in blue door to door selling cop cookies. To make up for budget cuts in the IPD operating budget. Maybe they can start arresting dogs and taking them downtown for paw printing and booking until the City figures out this dog ordinance thing. Book him, Dano. Is that a schnauzer or a Shittzu?
Or, perhaps some folks around Ithaca will take pity on the Chief and organize a crime wave. Turn Ithaca into another Gotham City. Instead of the Joker (no one's really funny around here) we could have the Stoner. Likewise, substitute the IQ Tester for the Riddler. Radioactive catfish, Batman! And we have all the cat women we can handle already. Or is that catty women?
Yeah, we can have a whole cartoon character crime wave to keep the Chief busy so he'll forget that he's in Ithaca and not NYC. Get in costume and rob the pizza parlors. But only take the anchovies! Ezra can't stand anchovies. Dump them out in the lake and hope they spawn. That'll start the Chief thinking that he might have a vegetarian running organized crime in Ithaca. We could dress up as green peppers and wear masks. Imagine the Ithaca Journal headlines. Veggies Strike Again!
Some things are funny and some things aren't. In Ithaca, where a sense of humor has been MIA for a century, it's really hard to tell what is and what isn't. That's probably why only Ezra is stupid enough to write a humor column of any kind. Maybe he should just pack it in and join the police department. Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:09 AM
