A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy
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Sunday, April 13, 2003
IS SUNDAY EDITION
April 13, 2003
SPECIAL CAREER/JOB FINDER ISSUE
FISH FRY
In the last three days thousands of dead fish have been washed ashore on Cayuga Lake. City environmentalists are now studying the temperatures at the out-take pipes from Cornell University to determine the cause of this massive ecological disaster. Unofficial sources have told IS that radioactive traces of plutonium have been detected in water samples coming from CU.
Lance Mergatroit of the Ithaca Coalition Against Lake Effect Pollution held a press conference yesterday, telling reporters, "This isn't just another Love Canal. What we have here is more like Bikini Beach." Mergatroit was referring to U.S. Atomic bomb tests on Bikini Island in the Pacific during the 1950's.
Cornell University officials could not be reached for comment. In recent months, public attention has been focused on CU's stockpile of plutonium left over from the University's now defunct nuclear labs. Plans have not yet been finalized to transport the hazardous waste to a disposal site in Ohio.
Boat owners at the Ithaca Marina in Tremain Park have recently reported incidents of the plastic finish melting off the bottoms of their craft. IS has collected accounts of local fishermen who have caught brightly fluorescent Lake pike and catfish from the shore of Stewart Park.
Mergatroit, a longtime critic of Cornell's transfer of lake water to campus for cooling and heating, commented during his press conference about the potential dangers of radioactive contamination of Cayuga Lake. "One day Ithacans are going to wake up and discover that they have a Loch Ness monster that resembles Barney, the big purple dinosaur living in their lake. This thing's going to make Godzilla look like a hamster."
DOGS IN, BIRDS OUT!
Common Council voted unanimously Wednesday to lift the dog ban on the Ithaca Commons, at the same voting for a ban that prohibited birds from using the City's downtown trees.
Sue Blumenthal, 3rd Ward, told IS after the vote. "We haven't worked out all the details yet. We anticipate that we'll be meeting a few more times to discuss some of the issues. Ithacans have sent us a clear signal what their pet preferences are. "
Blumenthal was referring to the fact that Ithaca now boasts a dozen dog grooming businesses and not a single pet store within a 10 mile radius. It has long been known that more Ithacans own dogs than parakeets.
"You never see anyone feeding the birds on the Commons." Blumenthal remarked. Those nasty things just poop all over the place and make such an incredible racket."
It has not yet been worked out how city officials plan to restrict individuals of at least a dozen bird species common to Ithaca from invading downtown airspace. Unofficial sources have told IS that a group of Cornell ornithologists have been called in to study the problem.
MAYORAL RACE CROWDS UP
With the entrance of the Cornell Hockey team into the Ithaca mayoral race, the number of candidates now seeking that office tops 400.
Yesterday, the entire 12 to 8 am shift at Ithaca's Short Stop announced that they would be throwing their collective visor into the political arena. The mayoral field now includes 15 TCAT drivers, 12 deli clerks from Greenstar, 42 animal rights activists, 87 declared peace candidates, 15 VFW members, 4 dentists. 2 acupuncturists, 19 masseuse, 17 restaurant owners, 9 telemarketers, 15 hockey players, 4 sandwich makers, 2 former members of the Cornell 10, 7 Buddhist monks, 2 ex-Republican guards. 13 Cornell seniors, 11 Cornell juniors, the former lead singer of Grand Funk Railroad and an Irish wolfhound.
CRIMINAL MASTERMIND MISSING
Cornell authorities reported Friday the disappearance of Ruloff's brain from a display case in Uris Hall. The 4 lb fully preserved organ belonging to the notorious 19th century criminal mastermind, philologist and convicted murderer has been swimming in a formaldehyde solution since 1881 when Ruloff was executed by hanging in Binghamton,NY.
Cornell spokesperson, Harry Lime, told IS Friday. "It's the strangest thing. This doesn't appear to be your usual college prank or even a break in for that matter. The part of the building where the brain was housed had been completely locked overnight and nothing else appears to be missing. When we checked the film in the surveillance cameras, we noticed nothing at all out of the usual. It's a total mystery. The only thing that the campus security found during their investigation was a trail of some form of slime on the parkay floors leading down the corridor."
NEW DRUG TESTED ON CU STUDENTS
Pharmaceutical giant, Pfizer, announced Friday that researchers have been conducting clinical trials of a controversial new drug on 300 Cornell students.
The drug Warzone is designed to enhance an individual's psychosocial readiness to accept authority and overcome feelings of alienation that are produced by a person's need to "go it alone", experiment with non-mainstream attitudes and causes , and deviate from widely held norms. Labeled the '1984 Drug' by its critics, Warzone was developed in a joint effort by the US Army and Pfizer.
According to preliminary findings, subjects who take Warzone regularly are less likely to question authority, more inclined to accept what their government, school or parents tell them and when responding to polls and opinion surveys tend to follow the bell curve.
Dramatic evidence of Warzone's effectiveness is apparent in a series of e-mails sent by a Cornell junior. In an e-mail written by the student, a 20 year old male Sociology major, before he started on Warzone, he wrote, " This war sucks big time! George Bush should be taken out and strapped to a missile aimed at Texas!" After two weeks on Warzone, the same student e-mailed, "I'm checking out joining the ROTC program here at Cornell. Yesterday I attended a pro-war rally with a couple of my buddies. I'd sure like to see all those anti-war protesters spend Easter in North Korea."
Noticeable side effects of taking the drug Warzone include an intensification of belligerent behaviors while driving, a sudden intolerance for racial or ethnic minorities , and an increase in the amount of time spent watching tv.
Other World News
Tariq Assiz spotted in Tel Aviv. Pg 2
Bush calls Cuba a "rogue state" and threatens military action. Pg 5
Anarchy declared in Iraq and Iraqis like it. Pg 3
Tom Ridge resigns, Bill Gates named as new Secretary of Homeland Security. Pg 4
ITHACA SUCKS BUSINESS WEEK
How To Tell If Your Boss Is a Jerk
Ithaca Sucks offers a few questions to help you determine if the person you're working for is a complete ass or just the run of the mill, garden variety despot.
1.Does your boss repeat the same asinine lecture disguised as gems of business wisdom every time they see you?
2.Does he/she tell you they had to take a cut in pay because business has fallen off so much? But your boss still owns two cars, takes two vacations a year and eats out every night?
3.Does he/she repeat constantly how hard they work but, in terms of actual output, you're convinced your boss works less than part-time?
4.Does your boss rank you out in front of other employees but, when you're alone together, praises your performance?
5.Does your boss constantly upbraid you about maintaining a professional demeanor, then swears like a truck driver, pacing up and down, with a cell phone pasted to one ear?
6.Does he/she lecture you interminably about the importance of 'detail', then forgets to sign your raise?
7.Does your boss zap you with a remark about how you worry too much about lunch, not enough about work, then takes 3 hour personal lunches every day?
8.Does your boss say, I'll be right there to help you, five hours ago?
9.Does your boss give you a 15% raise, then heaps on 75% more responsibility?
10.Do you constantly lie awake at night worrying how the business can possibly survive with your boss running the show?
If you answer yes to all these questions, chances are your boss is a total ass.
ITHACA SUCKS PET CORNER
Does your cat dream about you?
Pet psychologist, Lois Litter, says that cats do dream about their human companions. After all, she says, cats spend so much time sleeping. What else would they dream about? Cats can't tell us their dreams but Dr. Litter provides a few simple tests to find out if your cat ever has sleepy time visions of you.
1.Put a picture of President George Bush next to your cat as he/she starts to doze off. Then, in fifteen minutes, once your cat has lapsed off into a deep state of slumber, wake the animal up. Does your cat look immediately at you or the picture? This may not be a scientific test of your pet's' unconscious states, but Dr. Litter claims that this will also prevent your pets from sleeping too much when they should be up and about getting some exercise.
2.Change your personality dramatically. Read National Review to your cat. Force your cat to watch Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh on tv. Switch to an inferior brand of cat food. Experiment with not changing the litter in the cat box. Or line it with back issues of the Ithaca Journal. Tell your cat that you expect it to kill Syrian or Palestinian mice. Then closely observe the animal as he/she sleeps. If you notice that your cat is experiencing nightmares -easily recognized by signs like twitching muscles, unconscious hissing sounds, etc. - consider having the animal's nails clipped.
ITHACA SUCKS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Cornell Chapter of the Tamil Tigers meets at Annabel Taylor Hall every Wednesday night at 9:30 PM.
Ithaca College's Mens Yodeling Club will host its annual Swiss Night at Asia Gardens on Saturday. April 9 at 8:30 PM. Tickets are $35.
Earth Day is April 27th. "Save the Earth" bumper stickers are now available at Autumn Leaves.
IS CAREER/JOB FINDER
You've probably heard it a thousand times. Ithaca has one of the toughest job markets in central New York. IS' own job counselor, Ezra Kidder, thinks that the difficulty of finding a job in Ithaca is overrated. He feels there are plenty of jobs here for the asking. To assist job seekers who are just starting their search or have experienced setbacks, he's laid out a few tips.
1.Don't shoot for the moon when first starting out! You're not going to walk into a $75,000 job running the Paleontological Research Institute. Trim your expectations! Consider a job polishing fossils at PRI.
2.Don't waste your time signing up for workshops and seminars at agencies like Workforce Development that will help you to increase your job marketability. Their only job is to provide jobs for themselves! Consider starting your own job agency or work skills development agency.
3.Look for the hidden job market. If you pass a restaurant and spot someone throwing out the garbage, approach the person and ask if he needs help.
4.Always prepare a resume and carry a supply with you. Most businesses in Ithaca can't afford applications.
5.There are only 2 or 3 Fortune 500 companies with branches in Ithaca. Consult the Ithaca Sucks' Terrible 2 listing for organizations big enough to be looking for lots of job applicants.
6.Don't bother applying at Cornell unless a) you're related to the President, Provost or member of the Board, date a tenured professor, know 15 foreign languages, 10 computer languages, can decipher Linear B, or possibly all of the above, b)can withstand loads of humiliation, cold stares and degradation, and being put on a 20 year waiting list or c)like to wash dishes.
7.Go out and buy a used cash register. Practice your skills every day. Include on your resume the fact that you own a home cash register.
8.Consider volunteering as a way to get a foot in the door. Many Ithaca businesses, including retail stores, accept volunteers. Most of those volunteers never get hired but you can always dream, poison the water cooler or sleep with the boss!
9.Combat the dull stare that greets most applicants when they come into an Ithaca business cold, looking for job openings. Dress in a 7 foot chicken costume, streak into the shop carrying only a resume, have pizza delivered in advance.
10.Think about collecting redeemable cans or bottles to save up to buy a car so you can start looking in Binghamton or Syracuse.
ITHACA SUCKS LIFESTYLE PAGE
Profiles in Diversity
You may have noticed her/him cycling up and down State St. Hill or cruising the Commons retrieving cans or bottles from recycling bins. Lisa/David is a familiar figure in Ithaca, decked out in a blonde wig, outfitted in black leotards and a little jeans jacket. The makeup is a little overdone, the curves somewhat suspect, but this doesn't disguise the fact that Lisa/David is all transvestite.
Ithaca is a town that celebrates diversity but Lisa/David definitely pushes the envelope. Most of the time she/he doesn't rate a second glance. But, you can always tell a visitor from Freeville by the way they stop dead in their tracks when Lisa/David scoots past.
Lisa/David spends a good part of her/his time earning a living. After 10 years trying to get a job at Cornell, she/he settled into the relative security of a career picking cans and bottles for redemption. After all, it's Ithaca 7th largest industry. Sure, competition is tough right now with many temps flooding the market, scouting out the major sites along Aurora St. and the Commons. But Lisa/David is realistic about the industry's prospects.
She/he has outflanked the competition by going mobile on a low-slung four wheel bicycle fitted in back with a capacious luggage rack. And, by 6 pm every day, the huge plastic bag shimmying behind Lisa/David as she/he pedals home, is usually full.
You've got to admire Lisa/David's ingenuity and courage, carving out and sticking with a territory explored by few Ithacans. It's not only a way to avoid the draft, it's a lifestyle.
IS CLASSIFIED
Bootleg war videos! The stuff CNN or the networks never showed you! Special One
Week Sale while supplies last. 2/$25.00. Call 277-4287.
Surplus No War on Iraq lawn signs! They make beautiful garden ornaments! Tie dye them, cover them with your favorite Harry Potter characters! Impress your neighbors! Call 277-4287.
Glow in the Dark Fishheads! Decorate your kids' playroom, collect the whole series from catfish to Lake Pike. Save on energy bills! Call 277-2121.
Army surplus Republican Guard uniforms! Reasonably priced. Tired of your old Chinese Army shirt! Be the first one on your campus to own an elite special forces outfit. Uniforms of the World, 125 Edy St., Collegetown. 277-2174.
Business Opportunity. Wonder Bread route open in Fall Creek. Call 277-2154 for information.
Used Catherine Oertel. Great shape! Play your favorite Buxtehude tunes at home.
$500. Call 277-2156.
ITHACA SUCKS PERSONALS
Are you a pink flamingo in a organic whole wheat town? Looking for love in all the wrong places! Hey, so am I! Let's get together for chicken barbecues, squirrel bisque, square dancing, target practice, taxidermy, hog wrestling, hollering in the hollers', collecting Confederate flags. Seeking W/F 15-52 for some good ole country fun. Don't be ashamed of who you are! It's rednecks like us that made this country great! Everybody else had a college deferment when the call went out for patriots. Send a pic and phone number if you want some a little lovin' in the hay. Proud to be an Okie from Freeville. Box 501, IS.
REMEMBER THE NEEDIEST! SEND YOUR EXTRA FOOD STAMPS TO THE MILLIONAIRES IN CAYUGA HEIGHTS. CONTRIBUTE TO THE IS EASTER CAN DRIVE. THE RICH LOVE THOSE LITTLE CANS OF VIENNA SAUSAGES MARINATED IN PORK JUICES!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 10:44 AM
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