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Sunday, April 20, 2003
IS SUNDAY EDITION
Sunday, April 20, 2003
SPECIAL EASTER EDITION
BUSH AND SADDAM TO ATTEND ITHACA PEACE SUMMIT
A spokesperson for the Ithaca Peace Summit Coordinating Committee announced today that both US President George Bush and toppled Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, are scheduled to attend the conference to be held on Saturday, April 26.
Saddam Hussein has not been been in public since US forces entered Baghdad a week ago. However, in an exclusive interview, Arc Mediamogul, head of Ithaca's IndyMedia Center and a sponsor of the Summit, informed IS that Mr. Hussein had signaled his intentions to show up during a collect call from Damascus.
Ithaca's Conflict Resolution Center, the main sponsor of the event, distributed a statement Friday, expressing the view that a peaceful solution to the ongoing war in Iraq was still possible.
"We're grateful to Mr. Bush and Mr. Hussein for announcing their intention to attend the Peace Summit. We hope they can both sit down at the same table to discuss the issues that effect Iraq's future. It is our sincerest hope that they'll be able to come together for a substantive dialogue, Ithaca style, over bagels and Gimme Coffee. "
CU SCIENTISTS RESURRECT EZRA CORNELL
In an announcement timed to coincide with Easter Sunday, a group of Cornell scientists claimed during a press conference Friday that they have cloned the DNA of Cornell founder and prominent Ithaca philanthropist, Ezra Cornell.
Molecular biologist and CU faculty member, Frank N. Stern, made public the group's successful effort using fragments of DNA recovered from hair samples to replicate the human whose fortune made possible Cornell's metamorphosis into one of the nation's leading research institutions.
"This man did so much for Cornell to make it what it is. Our breakthrough would not have been possible without his vision and dedication. We could not wait for someone of his talents and stature to come along again."
The joint effort of a team of molecular biologists, medical professionals and forensic anthropologists, Project Lazarus, nicknamed after the New Testament figure who was raised from the dead by Jesus Christ, was funded by a $6 million grant from Microsoft founder, Bill Gates.
BANK SPONSORS DIFFERENT KIND OF EASTER EGG HUNT
Tompkins County Trust Co. is sponsoring its First Annual Easter ATM Hunt on Easter Sunday. Updating the traditional easter egg hunt, long a Spring favorite with young children, the bank has advertised that several of its over 200 ATMS throughout the county will be rigged to dispense an additional $ 20.00 in free cash for select withdrawals under $50 on April 20. Bank spokesperson, Thomas Lute, explained to IS that the offer will only be valid at undisclosed locations for a limited time and will be restricted to TCT customers.
"We plan to give away over $5,000 that day. It's our way of stimulating the local economy and starting a new holiday tradition. People customarily take their families out to breakfast on Easter Sunday and need a little cash. Here's a way to pick up some extra along the way, get the kids excited about using ATM machines, and help out local businesses. ATM's aren't exactly slot machines but using them doesn't have to be a typical ho-hum experience. We're trying to make personal banking fun."
Winners who withdraw the $20 jackpot can expect to see their ATM screen flash with vivid spring colors, generate a recording of Judy Garland's classic The Easter Paradeand dispense a color-it-yourself drawing of the Easter Bunny.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
New Disney World Planned for Baghdad.
First Wal-Mart Set to Open in Iraq.
Cheney Steps Down, Rejoins Haliburton.
Osama Eludes Captors in GA.
Tony Blair Elevated to Regent
Afghanistan Changes Name, Becomes New Texas
ITHACA SUCKS BUSINESS NEWS
The struggling Ithaca economy has created new and non-traditional alliances as local businesses race to compete with national franchises for a share of a dwindling consumer market. They've found a way to synergize their efforts, save on rent and maximize exposure of their products.
In today's issue, IS is highlighting several of those quite surprising combinations of business ingenuity and team effort.
Leather Express/Talmadge Tire
You normally wouldn't expect to see a row of all-weather tread tires and a stack of batteries on display next to a rack of smart leather jackets. But managers of Leather Express and Talmadge Tire figure that it's a good mix.
"People who wear leather are generally car people. They interested in checking out the new leather car coats for Spring . Why not give them a chance to buy some new tires and a battery for their hotrod or chopper? " LE manager Tami Lizard explained on a recent Saturday as she arranged a display of gleaming brass tire gauges on the counter next to the watchbands.
The Plantations/Oasis Deli/Now You're Cooking
"It's a no brainer. You grow it, you cook it and you eat it. " Linda Tempeh, manager of Oasis Deli exclaimed. 'We're really happy to be in the center of things on the Commons. You can't have any more synergy than this. We're almost like Wal-mart. You can buy seeds to grow your organic carrots and radishes, grab a tasty snack or some tofu while you look around for a pot to cook it all in."
Autumn Leaves/Taste of Thai Restaurant/Jabberwocky/Optivision/Adult Playland
Joe Wetmore stood beaming in front of his remodeled store front on this particular Spring afternoon. The weather had suddenly improved in the last five minutes and there were lots of people out on the Commons. Some of them were likely to want to buy a used book, grab some lunch, shop for recycled fashions, buy a new set of frames for their glasses or a pair of shades and catch an x-rated video or two.
"We had all this space here. Three floors of space. Ithaca doesn't need that big a bookstore and our cafe wasn't doing all that well. This was the perfect solution." The longtime Ithaca bookseller and political activist explained to IS , smiling, as he watched a young man walk out of the store, carrying a paperback copy of Anais Nin's Diaries, looking stylish in a second hand Sihk cap he had just purchased upstairs in the Jaberwocky boutique, clutching a plain paper bag under one arm, a pair of souvenir chopsticks peeking out of his pocket, wearing dark glasses.
"Pyramid Mall, eat your heart out, " he smirked.
IS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Mithraic Brotherhood of Ithaca will hold their Spring Festival of Light commemorating the arrival of Ahura Mazda in the universe next Sunday at the Unitarian Church on Buffalo and Tioga.
Freeville veterans of the 113th SS Panzer Division will hold their 50th reunion at Lucatelli's Char Pit on Sunday, May 8th at 7:30 pm. A slide show comparing tank tactics then and now will follow dinner.
Anne Coulter, columnist and conservative gadfly as well as Cornell graduate will speak at Annabel Taylor Hall on Monday. April 28th at 7 pm. Ms. Coulter has been described by Salon Magazine as a "cross between Uma Thurman, Joan Rivers and Rush Limbaugh."
The Immaculate Conception Society for the Re-enactment of the Crucifixion will hold a brief organizing meeting in the IC rectory Friday April 25th to begin planning for next year's event.
ITHACA SUCKS HOME & GARDEN SECTION
Using Radioactive Isotopes to grow Geraniums
Sometimes it's nice to have a major research university next door for gleaning tips on how to improve your flower garden. The folks at the Gutterman Bioclimatic Labs have been very generous sharing their time and expertise to give IS readers some inside information on fast tracking your traditional geranium plants.
The following tips will help you to grow heartier, more luminous geraniums right in your own backyard.
1.Expose the bulbs to only 2 hours of radioactivity. Any longer, you'll end up with a garden Cherynobl.
2. Keep the canisters containing the isotope a minimum of 3 feet from the bulbs.
3.Always wear a protective suit and gloves when working with radioactive materials!
4.Use ordinary potting soil when potting your geraniums. No need for MiracleGro. These babies will do quite well on their own!
5.Build a fence around your plants to keep pets and other backyard critters away. You don't want to see Felix glow in the dark!
6.When the first sprouts begin to appear, remove them to a dark room to see if the buds give off a faint luminescent glow. If not, you may have to start over.
7.When the plant is fully developed, check to see if there's a pile of dead insects in the planter. If so, you've got geraniums that will never need maintenance, grow year round and will never require repotting.
ITHACA SUCKS CLASSIFIEDS
Plutonium! Get it while it lasts! Call Cornell Physics Lab =277-4854.
Handmade Duct Tape Dresses. The next fashion craze! Call See-Spot 277-2121.
Looking for a ready to submit dissertation on Milton's use of flatulence metaphors in Paradise Lost? Call Joe, 277-4849.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:28 PM
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