A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

snow belt

We interrupt this blog to bring you an emergency weather report from the National Faith Broadcasting Service.

Are you reading this, sinners? This is the Reverend Ezra Billy Bob Kidder talking to you from inside your computer. You have sinned, brothers. You have sinned, sisters. God is punishing us for our sins with this massive, unrelenting snow! The Reverend Ezra has spoken to God. He's been on the phone with the Lord. He got an e-mail from Jesus.

And you know what God said to the Reverend Ezra? The Lord told Ezra that it was going to snow for 40 days and 40 nights. That's right, sinners, 40 days and 40 nights. Jesus told Ezra that the snow was going to pile so high that you couldn't see outside
your window even if you happened to be staying on the top floor of the downtown Ramada. You got that message, sinners? That's what the Lord told Ezra.

Now think about that, sinners. If it snows 40 days and 40 nights, how are you going to get out of your houses? How are you going to get out to your jobs? Do you think the buses will be running? After all that snow, do you think you'll be able to get your cars out of your driveways? Think about it. I mean, really think about it? How are you going to get to Wegmann's to pick up a gallon of milk? Or how about cat food? After 40 days and 40 nights of snow, you'll surely going to run out of cat food. Now after 40 days your cat is going to start looking at you real funny. Think about it, sinners. You and your cat will be facing off, right there in the kitchen. He'll be looking at you like you might be dinner. And you'll be looking at your cat, wondering how he would taste with a little tartar sauce.

God is angry at you, sinners. That's why He's sent all this snow. The weatherman says this is the worst winter in 20 years. What does the weatherman know? This is going to be the worst winter in 40,000 years! That's what the Lord said to Ezra. That's right, brothers and sisters, you've got one pissed off God on your hands. You better believe it! He's pissed!

And what are you going to do about it? If George Bush brought all those men and women back from Iraq and handed each one of them a snow shovel, they wouldn't be able to dig you out! No way would those 300,000 young men and women be able to dig you out after 40 days and 40 nights of snow.

They could send all the snow plows from Colorado, Nebraska, Wyoming, Illinois, Idaho, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine or even New York City. And they wouldn't be able to dig you out. Not after that much snow. No way they could.

So what are you going to do about this situation, sinners? The Reverend Ezra Billy Bob Kidder is asking you straight out! What are you going to do?

So are you going to leave town? Are you going to get on a Greyhound Bus and try to escape God's wrath? Or are you going to stay in your homes and be crushed , even suffocated by all that snow? Are you going to have to eat your pets? The Reverend Ezra is asking you now.

Or are you going to pray? The Reverend Ezra is asking you straight out if you're going to pray? If you're going to pray to the Lord to stop the snow?

Prayer helps. The Reverend Ezra knows firsthand that prayer helps. We can all get down on our knees and pray that the Lord will hear us - tell that Avenging Snow Angel to pass our community by. Just like Moses and the Israelites prayed for salvation back thousands of years ago.

But maybe God is too pissed off. Maybe God is on Spring break, lapping up the rays on some beach in Heaven, drinking Tequilla Sunrises and reading some trashy novel by Tom Clancy. Or maybe the Lord doesn't believe in his heart of hearts that you sinners should be saved.

Maybe you need more than prayer, sinners. Maybe you need the help of someone who has an internet connection with the divine Webmaster Himself? Just maybe you need the help of the Reverend Ezra to intercede with God for you. . Think about it, sinners. I'm asking you now, do you really want to take the chance that you'll be eaten by your cat?

It's not cheap maintaining a holy roller web site. It's not cheap getting the message out to heathen and unbelievers day in and day out. It costs money, brothers and sisters. There are expenses. There are costs. You've got to pay for DSL. You can't have dial-up when you're trying to save souls. Listen to the Reverend Ezra, now. You've got to pay hosting fees. And you've got to pay for the servers and the equipment to send all those e-mails to all the sinners in the Finger Lakes. It costs money. So, that's why it comes down to this, sinners. The moment of truth. Are you reading this, brothers and sisters? Reading this carefully, sinners?. If you contribute $100 to the Reverend Ezra Billy Bob Kidder's Church of Cyberspace - I mean, if you fill out the form below and type in your credit card number, expiration date and so forth, and click the Send button, then the Reverend Ezra Billy Bob Kidder will personally send a special snow plow right out to your door, yes, sinners, I'm talking now about Jesus' very own snow plow , to save your miserable hides from certain destruction.

Think about it, sinners. As the Reverend Ezra writes, the snow is still falling. Look out your window right now. Make up your mind, brothers and sisters. Let Jesus in. He not only saves, he plows.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:41 AM