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Saturday, May 31, 2003
falafel madness
Can you feel it, baby? Does it re-arrange your atoms?
The excitement, the pulsing energy, the sheer exhilaration out there on the street? We're talking Festival now. Mardi Gras up north, way up there in the land of bagels, good times there are seldom had ( but don't say a discouraging word. Ithacans take their Festival seriously. You'll get run over by a rusted Volvo --Christsake, the driver can't see for all the blankityblank bumper stickers - if you badmouth the Ithaca Festival. )
But hoola hoops? How retro. Yeah, they're regressing to the '50s. Breaking out the hoola hoops again. Does this mean that Ithaca is finally getting over its preoccupation with the 60s? That we're be going back to sock hops, drive in's, root beer floats, girl bands, leather jackets, greasers, the prom, 57 chevies? No more Age of Aquarius? It's finally over? Ithaca is going backwards. The patient has finally woken up from his long nightmare of history. The falafel is slouching towards Bethlehem. Yo, Yeats.
Yeah, baby. Ez ain't saying that the Ithaca Festival ain't pretty. That it doesn't bring people together. There must have been thousands of Ithacans on the Commons Friday, all grooving to the beat of bands trying to sound like Neil Young or the Middle Eastern gyrations of belly dancing. (Those dancing beauties, comely honies, gearing up to overcome gravity and middle aged spread.)
If a third of those folks bopped downtown on a regular basis, would ya have so many empty store fronts? Would Logos and the former CVS be vacant reminders that, at heart, Ithaca is a ghost town in the making? They don't have Ithaca Festivals up at the mall. Only car and boat shows. This is a community.
Without a cutting edge.
Ez's compadre, RB, name withheld to protect the guilty, put his finger on it precisely. There are no sharp surfaces, no edges. (The whole town of Ithaca is on a suicide watch.) Nothing coming up from the hot steamy subterranean kitchens of the culture. No new dance craze. Just a rehash.
RB is right. He comes to Ithaca from the City. You go over to Central Park on a Saturday afternoon during the summer and you see at least two things that will be the next big phenom in a couple of months. It's something someone is wearing or something that someone is doing. The rawness of culture in formation. Under the volcano.
Hoola hoops? Maybe we're just too far north.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:25 AM
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
alternative ithaca festivals
With a little imagination, every day could be Fiesta in I-town. Imagination is in short supply, so here's a care package of ideas from the Volk at Ithaca Sucks.
A-Plus Beef Jerky Days - Does your snack food still moo? Break out those long leathery sticks of mad cow- delicious jerky. Make earrings and nose rings out of the suckers, turn them in light wands and pretend you're star troopers on Moo Planet.
Storm the evil empire of Moo-sewood and route the pseudo-vegetarians with their fondue haircuts. Real men eat beef jerkey, not quiche lorraine.
Chanticleer Days on the Commons. Let the excitement of the Chanty spill out in the streets with real cock fights, wet tee-shirt contests, barstool deadaways, broken bottle duels, and RedMan Spitoffs. Do you know what a barstool deadaway even is?
It's when a red neck sits on a barstool, has about 10 Gennies, closes his eyes and pretends he's with the 82nd Airborne over Baghdad. Dead away! No parachute, Ma!
Topless Days Downtown. Get all those well-endowed hippie madchen from Dewitt Park out on the Commons to demonstrate the joys of shirtlessness. It ain't fair that only men are allowed to show their nipples in public. The younger set can play street hockey with surplus silicon implants. They work better than hockey pucks!
GreenStar Giant Moth Days - let those little critters out of the bulk bins, will ya? You thought honey bees were a big attraction in Ithaca? Watch those little Asian honies strip down the Commons in a single weekend. Don't be foolish enough to wear a sweater downtown during this event!
Empty Storefront Days. Convert all those empty stores into kissing booths, shooting galleries, cotton candy stands and pretend we're on the Boardwalk. Instead of garage sales on their front lawns, people can rent an empty store front for an afternoon and peddle their broken toasters and yesteryear's astro turf doormats right on the Commons. Give people a taste of running their own boutiques. They might even consider doing it year round and fill up all those store fronts.
VFW Weekend - America's the great place that it is because everyone has the right ot express their opinion. So let the old geezers take over the entire Commons for a weekend and turn it in a coney island of patriotism. They can make a little cash as well to fix up the old howitzer in front of their bat cave. Legless vets selling Iraqi Freedom playing cards, saber rattling contests, tar and feather Joe Wetmore, get Merle Haggard out of the drunk tank to sing a few bars of 'I'm an okie from Freeville.' They gave their all, why can't we give them a weekend in the sun?
Woodstock 3 - think of the possibilities! There's at least one rock band not in wheel chairs or dead from overdoses left from the original concert. Stoke up the nostalgia mill. Watch the hippies crawl out of the woodpile. Hey, man, they closed Rt 79! This is the 2nd biggest city in New York, dude! Young nubile hippies bathing in the potholes! Wow, this is heaven.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:19 AM
Monday, May 26, 2003
the ugly cornellian
Ithaca is a state of mind. It's a banana republic, colonized by 40,000 transients. Our own Cecil Rhodes, codenamed The Founder, was a guy from Westschester who, within a few years of landing in Ithaca, started redesigning the local landscape with the use of blasting powder. Yeah, thank, Ezra Cornell, for making Ithaca more 'gorges.' Ez walked into Ithaca, spotted the rolling woodlands on East Hill and said to himself, I'm going to own all that one day. He was true to his word. A man of destiny.
Manifest destiny. The americanism for grab all you can - in short, imperialism. Decades before Ezra Cornell showed up in town, General Sullivan's army wiped out all the natives. Cayuga Lake doesn't belong to the red man anymore. It belongs to Big Red. The university sucks the placid waters up with a big straw to cool the gym. Ultimate ecological imperialism.
EC tinkered around wirth ways to make money , first building water powered mills, then laying telegraph wires, moved into creating telegraph companies. He was instrumental in hobbling the behemoth Western Union together from smaller startups and made himself a cool $2 million. Big bucks back in those days. Ezra laid out a half million to bribe the state legislature to locate the land grant college which later bore his name to Ithaca. He bought up all the scrip for 60 cents on the dollar and sold it all off at an enormous profit to seed his own personal educational fiefdom. It was a rather complicated transaction, notwithstanding the Jay Gould robber baron shenanigans of the era. Ez was not adverse to using a lot of creative accounting. Folks complained about smelling a skunk in the woodpile for years. Little good it did . Ezra was, at one point, a member of the state legislature.
The Founder teamed up with his millionaire lumber buddies, Henry Sage and John McGraw to throw up some Gothic style outhouses up on the future campus. Now, when you cut down a tree and you've sold it for plywood, it's gone. When you build a university, you get a fresh crop every four years The boys knew they were on to something big. Today the university functions in that grey area between being a corporation and a public institution. You need an army of lawyers to keep the waters murky enough to withstand scrutiny so that's why they came up with the idea of starting a Law School too. And a Vet school to keep the cash cow healthy. All under one rubric. Big Red.
If you think of Ithaca as a big airport, you're closer to understanding the place better. The students don't give a fuck about the city of Ithaca. Most of them couldn't locate Dryden or Newfield on a map. They've got their sights set on bigger places. They are out to rule the world. There are people graduating now who are ready to move into the Norwegian White House. The European Community is full of Cornell alumni. A graduate of Cornell is the head honcho in Taiwan. Yeah, we're talking Taiwan. The place where they make all those plain brown boxes stamped Made in Taiwan.
But, if you live in Ithaca year round, you start to understand the scope of Ezra Cornell's vision. He saw Ithaca as a self-perpetuating, self-sustaining colony out in the middle of the boonies. He knew that naked self-interest and greed would kick in and motivate the locals to keep the latrines clean, to mow the grass, to make the students comfortable once they got here. Ezra C foresaw correctly that there would always be entrepreneurs who would find ways to grow the colony by bits and pieces. Buying up land for apartment complexes, charging exorbitant rents, opening restaurants, building hotels and parking lots. He saw that, out in the middle of nowhere, 4 hours now by car, at that time weeks by foot, you didn't need to build industry like in factories, workshops etc. - you needed to create a whole new kind of industry. A place for intellectual tourists. A temporary zone feeding constantly on its own sense of transience. A place where no one would want to stay unless they were somehow plugged in to his big cash register on the hill. Ezra had the master plan for everything that would follow in his wake. If scholars culled his papers, they'd probably find rough sketches for a prototype of the ATM machine. Ez was a true visionary.
So, if you happened to notice all the proud families of Cornell graduates milling around the boutiques and restaurants downtown this weekend, behaving like the ultimate tourists with their cameras, cell phones, loaded SUV's, not having left home with their American Express, looking down with disdain at us homeboys and girls, and all the merchants with all their little identical signs in the shop windows, all the extra wait staff and dishwashers at Simeon's and the Mahogany Grill, the big banners outside the wineries, if you've been brutalized by that withering tourist stare looking right through you, that sense of not having an reason for existing on this planet outside to swell the ranks of coolie class, well, take your hat off to Ezra Cornell. He made it all possible.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:43 AM
Sunday, May 25, 2003
a gorges mind
Interviews with Mental Giants and Emotional Midgets, Vol 1 - Ronnie Qed, 12 yr Cornell Ph.D.
Our Ithaca Sucks reporter caught up with Ronnie outside a stall in the men's room at Olin Library where he had just spent 2 hours disproving the main points of Pythorgoras in a tiny but neat script all over the gun metal grey walls of the cubicle. Several other doctoral candidates were poring over his work as Ronnie's dad reminded him to wash his hands before leaving the bathroom.
It was graduation day. Ronnie was about to receive his fifth doctorate from Cornell in 2 years, this one from the Philosophy Dept for his work in the arcane field of intuitionist logic. Our reporter was immediately struck by how average-looking Ronnie appeared - a cross between Harry Potter and the kid in the Munsters with the very pale complexion. He was virtually drowning in his black academic gown
with the mortar board occasionally slipping down to cover most of his face. It seems that they don't make graduation gear for 4 foot tall 12 year olds with IQ's of 475.
Ronnie make look like your average 12 year old but there's nothing average about his brain. Our reporter found that out when he starting asking Ronnie about how he felt on this big day.
IS: So what does it feel like to get your fifth Ph.D. in 2 years?
R: If we restate the question in this form: ``Is it impossible to construct infinite sets of real numbers between 0 and 1, whose power is less than that of the continuum, but greater than aleph-null?,'' then the answer must be in the affirmative; for the intuitionist can only construct denumerable sets of mathematical objects and if, on the basis of the intuition of the linear continuum, he admits elementary series of free selections as elements of construction, then each non-denumerable set constructed by means of it contains a subset of the power of the continuum.
IS: Ok. How does it feel to stand out there on the podium knowing that you're the youngest PH.D. candidate in Cornell's history?
R: Let us consider the concept: ``real number between 0 and 1.'' For the formalist this concept is equivalent to ``elementary series of digits after the decimal point'', for the intuitionist it means ``law for the construction of an elementary series of digits after the decimal point, built up by means of a finite number of operations.'' And when the formalist creates the ``set of all real numbers between 0 and 1,'' these words are without meaning for the intuitionist, even whether one thinks of the real numbers of the formalist, determined by elementary series of freely selected digits, or of the real numbers of the intuitionist, determined by finite laws of construction.
IS: I see. So tell me what your other hobbies are besides mathematics, physics, Persian sub-dialects, 12th Century Welsh poetry and philosophy. Do you like to play baseball?
R: Z.B. ist die Punktmenge: ``alle reellen Zahlen zwischen 0 und 1 mit Ausnahme der endlichen Dualbrüche'', nur deshalb eine wohlkonstruierte Menge, weil die duale Entwicklung einer willkürlichen Zahl dieser Menge eine Fundamentalreihe von endlichen Gruppen von gleichen Ziffern (abwechselnd 0 und l) liefert, so daß die Menge sich mittels einer Fundamentalreihe von Auswahlen unter den endlichen Zahlen bestimmen läßt. Dieser Schritt geht freilich weiter als mein römischer Vortrag
IS: I'm not sure I understood your answer. But that's ok. What do you and your folks plan to do after the ceremony? Are you plannig
to go to McDonald's?
R: It is possible to define a bounded decimal number by demanding that a thousand persons each write an arbitrary digit. One will have a well-defined number if the persons are put in line each writing in turn a digit at the end of the digits already written by those in front in the line. The disagreement starts when one tries to extend this procedure to an unbounded decimal number. I do not suppose that people dream of actually having an infinite number of persons each writing an arbitrary digit, but I believe that Mr. Zermelo and Mr. Hadamard think that it is possible to regard such a choice realized in a perfectly well-defined way even if the complete definition of the number contains an infinite number of words. For my part I think it is possible to pose problems about probability for decimal numbers which are obtained by choosing the digits either randomly or by imposing certain restrictions on the choice-restrictions leaving some randomness to the choice. But I think it is impossible to talk about one of these numbers for the reason that if one denotes it by A, two mathematicians talking about A would never be sure whether they were talking about the same number.
IS: Well.....ah....Yeah, ok. You be sure to have a nice day. Seeya.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:26 AM
Saturday, May 24, 2003
big brother
Is is still cool to believe in Big Brother? Or did he get deconstructed along with the Easter Bunny, the Virgin Mary and Santa Claus?
Ezra is a true believer; he sees Big Brother's size 50 footprints all the time like the tracks of some kind of invisible Yeti that haunts cyberspace. Yesterday Ezra noticed the advertising banner over his blogspot. Some one was actually advertising things to do and places to stay in Ithaca, New York and the Finger Lakes region. Does that banner float over everyone's blogspot, whether they live in Anchorage or San Jose, or does it just fly over Ezra's meager piece of virtual real estate? Ezra is tempted ot pay to have it removed even that might cost more than he makes in a year. He'd advertise the great sale they're having on Budweiser twelve-packs over at A-Plus. Who should he contact?
Big Brother is the Genie in the Pentium who fools around with Ezra's internet settings when Ezra wants to post flame-mail to the IndyMedia site. Why can't this page be displayed? How the fuck do you adjust your browser settings? Ezra probably keeps getting bounced off because Arc, the Webmaster at Ithaca Indymedia, complained loud and long enough to Big Brother. In fact, just the other day, Arc called Ezra and his fellow flame-mailers 'trolls.' Arc was thoughtful enough to include the definition of troll. Ezra guesses that Arc probably took a lot of flak from his lady friends when someone took a potshot at upper middle class feminists. Was that you, Ezra? Ezra won't tell. Folks at Indymedia, however, have started talking about a crackdown on trolls, possibly even to the point of issuing cyber-identity cards, you know, bar codes on the forehead for internet users.
George Bush, like Arc, would like to be Big Brother. But his dad nicknamed him Sprout. So he'll have to settle for being Little Brother due an innate inferiority complex that forces him to invade smaller countries. Little Joe. Not Hoss. That's a throw-in for those in the blogging audience who used to watch Ponderosa Sunday nights.
Another George, this time Mr. Orwell, had a lot of interesting ideas about Big Brother. You know, he never imagined smart machines like the ones we have today that can keep track of the goings-on of millions of people around the world. The Age of Big Brother was really born amid the glow of transistor tubes and Babbage boards 60 years ago. Thanks to people like Thomas Watson and Johnny von Neumann. Big Blue. Big Brother wore suits and ties for a long time until he switched over to sweaters and jeans when Bill Gates and Steve Jobs came along.
Ezra is uncomfortable in the age of computers. He's a cyber wimp. Has software loaded in his home computer that's 20 years old. Doesn't know how a cookie works. But he does know that it has something to do with how Big Brother peeps into his hard drive. Ezra hears those fig newtons loading, clickyclickclick, whenever he visits a website. Somebody keeps track, and it's not Mrs. Ezra, of those naughty sites he visits. Like Counterpunch. In the not so distant future, techno-misfits like Ezra will be weeded out early in high school, deported to computer boot camps where drill sergeants dressed like MSN butterflies will kick them out of bed at 5 am in the morning, herd them into big sterile rooms where they'll be forced to strip down a Macintosh in 3 minutes. At night, the unhappy campers will all sit around under a huge portrait of Bill Gates, singing the Microsoft anthem while they toast marshmallows.
It would be nice if Ezra had an interactive, live journal type of site so people could write in about their experiences with Big Brother. Probably a lot more interesting than Ezra's because Ezra doesn't half the shit that goes on with his computer. He just knows that he has to take out the junkmail twice a week.
The thing is that no one ever visits Ezra's site except Big Brother and he's not talking.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:29 AM
Friday, May 23, 2003
good news, bad news
The good news. Are you ready? It's Graduation Weekend.
The signal for that annual migration when thousands of assholes pack up and depart for sunnier climes. Stuff their $10,000 worth of stereo gear, 800 pairs of Levi dockers, big Red sweaters made in Nicaraguan sweatshops, wallets packed with credit cards into expensive Japanese-made automobiles and clog the highways leaving town.
Whoopee! It's safe to head downtown again on a Friday night. Make reservations at Les Ducs. We're eating fois gras again, baby.
The bad news. Due to the bad economy, more and more students will be holding on to their after school jobs at Collegetown bageleries or sticking out around to fill volunteer slots trading plastic Ho CHi Minh figurines at the recently expanded 10,000 Villages this summer. It's called cocooning. The economy is so bad in Ithaca that it anesthetizes you from the pain of making your way in the real world. Better to slap slabs of cream cheese on whole wheat bagels in Ithaca than to load copying machines in Michigan. It gives you a sense of false security. Ain't that so.?
They just don't want to leave. They're hanging on like weevils, holding on to the vines. We need big cans of Raid. Get them where they live. Fumigate Collegetown.
You really have to admit the students add very little to Ithaca outside of cash flow. Too bad Ithacans couldn't find something useful to make besides bagels . Hey, we used to make guns. What happened? You'd think that with all the gangs in East LA and sickos joining militias in Michigan, there'd be a constant demand for really nice shotguns. Instead, Ithaca produces 30 different kinds of bagels and 500 varieties of useless college degrees. We have 40,000 hungry mouths to feed. Hey, if you didn't know this already, the food industry alone in Ithaca rakes in $40 million a year. That's lots of bagels, baby.
We need an alternative economy - hey, we'd settle for just an economy at this point. How about lawn signs? Ithaca being the protest capital of the universe, couldn't we shut down the colleges, turn them into factories and produce lawn signs and bumper stickers for the entire world? There isn't a Volvo in Ithaca that isn't covered fender to fender with 'save the grouse' or 'tacos not bombs' stickers. There's a growing demand for protest signs. Consider how many anti-IMF, fuck the World Bank, anti-globalization signs folks went through in Seattle, Quebec and Milan? Do you really think they recycle those things? Look at all the Shi-ites in Iraq? Don't they need bumper stickers and mosque signs? Go Home, Yankees. Allah Wants to See You in His Rearview Mirror!
Finally, we found a way for George Bush to get the economy moving instead of tax cuts. We just need to figure out who he's going to pick on next in order for us to make a real killing.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:15 AM
Thursday, May 22, 2003
 april in paris, may in hoovervilleThe tourist season is here.
The good news is that folks will be taking more day trips this year. This really isn't the year to visit Europe. And definitely not the year to visit the Middle East.
So, instead of visiting the Pyramids, consider Buttermilk Falls as an alternative.
Besides people around the world aren't particularly fond of Americans right now. You're likely to hear everywhere you go, Go home, Yankee. Dirty Americanos. Little endearments like that can shake any tourist's confidence. Make you want to pack up your American Express and head back to Intercourse, PA.
Why can't people around the world be as friendly as the folks in Ithaca?
"Gotta a cigarette?" When delivered in a cute upstate New York mumble, that greeting sounds almost foreign. Makes you think you're really getting away.
Ithaca has a lot to offer tourists. Potholes, empty store fronts, gorges, unemployed people with open guitar cases reprising all your old John Sebastian favorites. A week ago Ezra saw a young woman belting out Puccini arias with a tin cup perched next to her.
The Ithaca Commons, tourist mecca. Huge pieces of particle board covering jagged trenches carved into the sidewalk. Convoys of Caterpillar backhoes moving in a precision ballet. Cement mixers lumbering like enormous Tonka trucks past the empty CVS with its huge, inviting display windows. Ithaca even has an empty Jamaican restaurant.
But don't try to park. All the parking lots in town are being torn simultaneously . And it costs as much to park in Ithaca as it does in Manhattan.
People in Ithaca take buses. So the bus company announces a 50% fare hike.
Alternatives. Ithaca is known for alternatives. Ride a yak into town. The cops will only arrest you if you bring your dog on the Commons (and you're not getting him/her a haircut and pedicure.) It's ok if your cocker spaniel needs a buzz cut. Common Council just recently lifted the dog ordinance for the doggie clip joint down from Simeon's.
You can tell Ithaca is getting ready for the tourist season. The city has volunteer gardeners planting poison ivy on the Commons. They even imported killer bees from South America to add a little buzz of excitement downtown.
Welcome to Ithaca, Depression Capital of the Finger Lakes. They fluoridate the city drinking water with Prozac. Stay away for a month and you'll get a chance to shop at another 12 new stores that just opened where the previous 12 went out of business. We're talking exciting boutiques now. You can buy an evening gown made out of duct tape. Pre-owned duds. (In Ithaca, the Salvation Army is the most successful big box retailer.)
Why aren't there signs around, you ask? SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
'Cause, in Ithaca, it's not an inconvenience. It's normal daily life.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:45 AM
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
choir practice
KIDDER PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
a new album of Ithaca folk music from all your favorite artists
'singing to the choir'
TRACK 1 talking ithaca blues
(Puffy and the Progressives)
i'm going over to autumn leaves.
Gonna work for peace on earth,
i'm going over to autumn leaves,
gonna fight for social justice, baby.
I'm going over to autum leaves,
gonna create a cleaner planet,
and they got the answers there.
Chorus
you know, i've got the talking ithaca blues,
can talk all day about the issues,
can tell you, baby, just what's in the news,
Got my greenstar card, nothing left to lose,
you know, darling, i've really paid my dues.
i'm going over to autumn leaves
gonna fight for a living wage,
i'm going over to autumn leaves.
Gonna join the wymen's army,
i'm going over to autumn leaves,
gonna talk and talk and talk
because they got all the answers there.
Chorus
you know, i've got the talking ithaca blues,
can talk all day about the issues,
can tell you, baby, just what's in the news,
Got my greenstar card, nothing left to lose,
you know, darling, i've really paid my dues.
TRACK 2 doggie style rag
(Pooper and the Scoopers)
they don't let my doggie on the commons,
unless he needs his ears lowered,
ain't that a drag, ain't that a pity,
what would they do if I had a kitty.
Cause he's a good ole doggie,
Likes his lovin doggie style,
he's been known to leave a pile,
why should he have to go on trial?
One day I'm gonna see the mayor,
just walking on down the street,
gonna let my doggie off the leash,
let him do a number, do you capiche?
'cause he's a good ole doggie,
likes his lovin' doggie style,
he's been known to leave a pile,
why should he have to go on trial?
TRACK 3 love it or leave it
(Paul Glover and the Diehards)
they call me mister protest,
i've been round here since the sixties,
some's that calls me a social pest,
they think it's some kind of disease.
It's just that I have a cause,
I like and try to make things better,
nothing what I say should make you pause,
so why did I just get this strange letter
from the people over at the FBI,
they tell me I need to report,
they say I've got a ticket to fly,
they toss around the word 'deport',
get my beret and baggage, too
love it or leave it, that means goodbye,
all because of my point of view,
ain't it enough to make you cry.
I took a stand against the war,
and now it's time to say au revoir.
TRACK 4 singing to the choir
(The Ithaca Tabernacle Choir)
it just came over the news wire,
there's a war in the desert,
a scandal in DC, another Bush alert,
it's time again to start singing to the choir,
preaching the gospel to the converted,
getting those old lawn signs out,
if you had a momentary doubt,
that we're progressive, clear it from your head.
You're living in the protest capital,
where peace and justice flourish,
it's here love and harmony gets nourished,
and dissent among the ranks is really very minimal.
We all love to hear the latest dirt,
on bush, rumsfeld and cheney,
at the risk of sounding whiney,
ain't it time we stand to assert
our views on just about everything,
tell the world how to improve,
and fit right in the groove,
oh, brother, oh sister, hear the church bells ring.
We're singing to the choir,
we'll be holding sunday school,
we'll be sending out a flyer,
to every single fool.
Oh, Ithaca, oh Ithaca,
You are so great,
Oh Ithaca, oh Ithaca,
We know you rate.
Let freedom ring, let the choir sing,
from gorge to shining lake.
(Everybody flashes a peace symbol )
Available at Autumn Leaves for a limited time at only $19.95. Cassette or CD. Buy one now or move to Dryden!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:00 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
honesty
http://ithaca.indymedia.org/media/text/00/00/05/48/
Thank you, G. Quentin Mull. In honor of your contribution to Ithaca, ithacasucks.com is establishing a monthly award to celebrate the individual or group that espouses the most unique and contrarian point of view on life in Ithaca.
We don't necessarily agree with everything you say in your artcle posted anonymously on the Ithaca Indymedia website but we thrill in admiration for the way you express your views; the vitriol and venom dripping from every senence indicates that you are a person of convictions. Our private detective agency is actually checking on those right now.
It's likely that we'll hear from this young person again. Ezra understands that he's had job offers from National Review and the Aryan Nation Free Press.
G. Quentin, you've earned your degree. You're a true son of Cornell. Good luck to you!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:29 AM
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
measure by measure
Our technical staff has come up with a way of measuring the 'suck factor' around Ithaca. We feel that the 'laurel/dart' and 'up and down' approach used by our competitors at the Ithaca Journal and the 'Ithaca Times' is too unscientific. So after days and weeks of discussion, brainstorming and toilet-side meditation, we've come up with a better, more accurate system of judging life around Ithaca.
So, without any further adieu, let's unveil the Ithaca Sucks Suck-o-Meter.
OFFICIAL ITHACA SUCKS SUCK-O-METER
---------------------------------------------------------------
-20%- -30%- -40%- -50%- -60%- -70%- -80%- -90%- -100%
-------------------------------------------------------------- DANGER ZONE
Ok, folks, let's take it out for a test spin. Here are a few preliminary measurements that we get. Remember now, 100% represents total, absolute suck.
Parking in downtown Ithaca 99.99999%
So far, the Suck-o-Meter is functioning like a charm. We're able to calculate now that we have a .2% variance one way or the other, Let's try a few more tests.
Shopping downtown 99.999997%
Pretty accurate, wouldn't you agree?
Eating lunch at Center Ithaca 99.99995%
Frankly, we're very impressed with the results. Should we push our luck?
Cornell University. 107.5%
Ok, that was definitely the litmus test. Those fools on the hill test everybody's limits. Should we go for broke?
Ithaca Weather 187%.
Oops. That just about finished off the old Suck-o-Meter. Let's go for one more to see if the thing is still working.
The Ithaca Festival 99.99999%. Bulls eye. Looks like the Ithaca Sucks Technical Department has every reason to be proud of its success. Ezra hears that they started working on a pocket version. It works just like a geiger counter. A little buzzer goes off when you near suck-down.
Don't forget that the Ithaca Festival is coming up in a couple of weeks. Might want to plan to schedule that trip you've been planning to France that weekend. Don't forget to bring your beret, you know, the one left over from the French Festival!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:34 AM
Monday, May 12, 2003
talking traffic lights
On planet Ithaca even the traffic lights talk. Some of them actually know their own address. And colors. "When crossing Meadow Street, please wait for the signal to turn green. Do not cross on red."
Yeah, we all knew Ithaca was a college town but isn't this going a little far? How much do you think the City paid for those things anyway? Do you think Al Cohen and Ed Hershey have shares in the Talking Traffic Light Company? Is that why they're both retiring this year from city government? Maybe they just signed a contract to put talking traffic lights in Baghdad? Everybody else in America got a contract to do something or other in Iraq, why shouldn't they?
If Ithaca is so damned cosmo-po-litan, why aren't all the traffic lights multilingual? What if someone didn't speak English, for christssake? They'd just be roadkill, right?
Ezra only started thinking about traffic light literacy today. Usually he ignores the little voice coming out of nowhere on Green and Cayuga Streets. It mumbles.
The traffic signal on Meadow and State, on the other hand, has great diction. You can clearly hear every word it says. Ezra was wondering how folks who haven't quite fine-tuned their medications might react to a talking traffic light? Would the experience send them into relapse? Or would they wonder if mailboxes in Ithaca
could talk too?
Ithaca would probably be a much more interesting place if they could.
Now even talking traffic lights get stale pretty quickly. But what if they could sing? What songs would you select for your favorite intersection? A Beatles tune? 'Norwegian Wood'? "Fool on the Hill'?
If Ben Nichols were still mayor, at least one traffic signal would be able to sing the Internationale. "Arise ye workers from your slumbers, Arise ye prisoners of want."
Ben Nichols was the first and only socialist mayor of Ithaca. He wanted to build a worker's paradise right here in Tompkins Country and all we ended up getting was a Target and a Barnes & Noble. I guess that means , however, we are no longer 'prisoners of want."
Ezra had an idea about 17 years ago for an electronic visitor's center. This is how it would have worked. Say you land in town, totally clueless. You'd walk up to this kiosk that looked somehwat like an ATM and push a couple of buttons. Right there on a spot, it would tell you or print out places to stay, where to eat, where to get your tongue pierced. You know, useful information. It turned out to be only an idea. The internet came along after that.
At least the guy who developed the talking traffic signal eventually sold his idea.
He sold the only prototype to some sucker in Ithaca, New York.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:23 AM
Sunday, May 11, 2003
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
"Your Sunday Morning Reality Check"
Sunday, May 11, 2003
SNOOPS TO OCCUPY LIBRARY
The US Department of Homeland Security announced today that the former library building on Court and Cayuga would become the agency's new regional operations center. Officials for Tompkins County confirmed that the Washington- based superagency had leased all the space in the former library for next 20 years.
A spokesperson for the City of Ithaca told IS that the Homeland Security Dept. had requested and received approval to construct a 75 ft. satellite dish on top of the site. The recent installation of surveillance cameras on the Commons has also been linked to HSD's decision to open an Ithaca branch.
Paul Glover, local activist and perennial whiner, expressed concerns that the civil liberties of area residents would be impacted by the watchdog agency's presence in Ithaca.
"How does the song go? They know when you've been good or bad. And you can be sure they're making a list and checking it twice. I'm thinking Cuba needs a local Green Party. Viva Fidel. Como estas? Donde la bibloteca?"
CU REVELERS SET BLAZES ON CAMPUS
City of Ithaca firefighters responded Friday night to a 12 alarm fire at Cornell University's Olin Library. In what was described by eyewitnesses as an "almost surreal scene," hundreds of student partygoers danced, threw beer cans, and booed as IFD units attempted to bring the blaze under control. Hundreds of library books and pieces of computer equipment could be observed strewn on lawns around the perimeter of the 50 year old campus building. Campus police arrested several unidentified students on charges of disorderly conduct and public indecency, allegedly for 'streaking' in the vicinity of the fire.
"These kids have traditionally been known to get pretty rowdy around end of semester time when classes and exams are over. This year they just went too far." IFD Chief Ralph Cinder, interviewed at the scene, commented.
Arson investigators have begun to look into the causes of the blaze. CU officials could not be reached for comment.
IPD TO GET NEW VEHICLES
In only his first month at the helm of the Ithaca Police Department, Chief Victor Loo has made several serious changes in the direction of modernizing and improving the efficiency of the force. Wednesday night he received approval from Common Council to order two new vehicles for the IPD. The two Bradley Fighting Vehicles, the 'workhorse' of Operation Iraqi Freedom, each costing $1.7 million and weighing 6 tons each, will be acquired on a long term lease from the Chrysler Corporation.
Chief Loo told Council members, "Crime is getting out of hand in Ithaca. The recent bank robbery in the South End proves it. We need tools that will scare the shit out of the bad guys. Otherwise, Ithaca's going to turn into another LA."
Recently, Loo authorized foot patrols on the Commons to carry AK-47's and wear flak jackets.
EGYPTIAN BOLL WEEVILS FOUND IN GREENSTAR BULK BINS
Customers at the Greenstar Cooperative Market have recently reported infestations of exotic flying insects, identified by Cooperative Extensive entomologists as a species of the Egyptian boll weevil. Larvae of the insect have been traced to flour bins at the Fulton St. market, formerly known at the Grain Store when it first started in the '70s.
The Egyptian Boll Weevil is a bright purple colored insect with a white skullcap that resembles the traditional headgear worn by Moslems throughout the world. A voracious consumer of flowering plants, weevils have been reported in Fall Creek, decimating lilac and dogwood trees.
"This is a pretty serious outbreak for North America," CU entomologist, June Bug,told IS. "These insects normally consume 1,000 times their own weight in plant and vegetable matter every single day. We could be looking at a plant Armageddon in Ithaca."
Managers at Greenstar could not be reached for comment.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
Iraqis Flock to OTB
Sharon to Israeli Arabs: Eat Gefilte Fish or Leave Country
France Denies Rumors Saddam Is Hiding in Elysee Palace
Kofi Annan Leaves UN to Head Dairy Council
BUSINESS NEWS
Portrait of an Entrepreneur
His friends call Jim Currant an opportunist. Jim considers himself an 'entrepreneur' in the style of Thomas Edison. In an interview conducted on the busy factory floor of his new Trumansburg face mask factory, Jim told IS, " You know Thomas Edison developed an electric chair. He saw the need and just filled the gap. He actually tried to electrocute an elephant to test his device out. I see myself in the same light. "
Recently, Jim saw newspaper photos of people around the world wearing face masks to protect themselves against the SARS epidemic. Not wasting a second, Jim started doing his homework, conducting market research on the medical supply industry. He found that there are only 5 major companies in the world that produce face masks with elastic bands. That's when Jim jumped into action.
Spotting an empty building on the Trumansburg Road that he thought would be perfect, Jim immediately found the capital to start his factory.
"It wasn't easy in this economy. But the smart money these days is on the spread of more opportunistic viruses so eventually people starting getting on board."
Within weeks, Jim had transformed the old warehouse into a sterile manufacturing environment and hired a round the clock staff to produce face masks. He named the company GermGuard.
"It wasn't hard to find qualified workers. I insist that they all take a test before hiring them. If they don't know who Louis Pasteur was, I don't want them working in my plant. Our employees have to feel a sense of mission, you know, understand the product."
18 wheel trucks have been rolling in and out of Jim's loading docks for weeks now. Sales are soaring as a nervous world braces for new cases of SARS to break out. Jim gets orders from China, Singapore, Malaysia, Vietnam and places as far away as Myranmar.
"We've sold 100,000 masks to China just in the past week," Jim boasts., Irish eyes twinkling as high school and college students working for the summer scurry around him, loading containers of GermGuard face masks on to conveyer belts.
Jim has few hobbies outside of making money and making life unbearable for his staff. His employee turnover rate has been running at 75% for years but it doesn't phase Jim in the least.
"This is Ithaca. You can get a Phd to walk your dog. They're cranking more out all the time right up there on the hill." Jim gestured towards the Cornell campus visible above the tree line.
Being in the right place at the right time. That's always been the key to success in business. Jim Currant can attest to that.
"Maybe we'll get another Flu epidemic like 1917. " Jim rubbed his hands, day dreaming about distant peaks on his sales graph.
ITHACA SUCKS ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE SECTION
Bobby Bubble doesn't allow anyone to touch him or the food he eats. Nonetheless, Bobby is the last person you'd call 'antisocial.' He has a warm, effusive personality that radiates beyond the room he happens to be in. After he's sterilized it completely with an industrial strength disinfectant and rubber gloves.
Bobby is a self-confessed 'germ freak.'
Grinning from his clear plastic helmet, Bobby told IS, "They're all around us. Trillions of them. Everywhere!"
The walls of Bobby's apartment are lined with plastic sheeting and duct tape. Outside of a cot surrounded by mosquito netting and a few photographs of Howard Hughes, the reclusive billionaire, on the wall. Bobby has little furniture. Most of three rooms are filled with large air filters, humming constantly, 24 hours a day. There must have been 20 the day IS visited.
"They're my friends," Bobby explained. "They zap the germs."
Bobby has been a germ-freak for 5 years now. There used to be a time when Bobby was like other Ithacans his age, working odd jobs at the GreenStar, living with 15 other people in two room apartments. One day, Bobby picked up a dog-eared copy of the "Hot Zone" by Robert Preston at Autumn Leaves Bookstore. The book changed his life. He read all about the Ebola virus that killed thousands in the Congo. After that, Bobby was never the same. He began camping out in Buttermilk Falls, boiling his drinking water, wearing disposable gloves and a face mask.
"Wow, I never knew how dangerous my world really was. It's those germs."
Now Bobby grows beans in the backyard for protein, plus organic lettuce that he washes off with spring water that he boils for an hour. Most days, he can be spotted cycling awkwardly over to the Public Library in his cumbersome protective suit that makes him resemble an astronaut. He spends hours studying abstracts of the Journal of the Disease Control Center on microfiche.
IS asked Bobby if he was, in fact. happy, living his rather paranoid, restrictive lifestyle. Bobby smiled, pinged his plastic helmet, and replied radiantly, "I haven't had a cold in five years! That's something to be happy about."
ITHACA SUCKS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Ithaca Chapter of Survivors of Shiatsu Attacks will meet at the Women's Community Building on May 15, 7pm. Rabies boosters will be free to members.
Sunday, May 18, is National Fossil Fuels Appreciation Day. Ithaca residents who are interested can take a tour of area service stations. Call Randy's Sunoco or the TC Republican Committee for more information.
The Ithaca Zapatista Second Front will meet on the second floor of Autumn Leaves on Wed May 14 at 8 pm to discuss Tactics for the Modern Urban Guerilla. Members are encouraged to wear ski masks and their official Subcommandante Marcos bandoleros.
The Ithaca, NY/\Roswell, NM, Sister Cities Club wishes to include the following announcement: The Alien Craft will be visiting our area at 10 pm on Thursday, May 15. If you wish to go aboard, wear light clothing and bring mosquito repellent. The line forms at the old Community Gardens across from the Sciencenter at 7:30 pm.
CLASSIFIEDS
Give a 5-legged calf a home. Just because we're different doesn't mean we don't deserve love. Call Cornell Agricultural Genetics Lab, 277-xxxx for information.
College Students! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Exciting careers in restaurant management. Opening 50 new stores in Iraq. Must speak Arabic. KFC International. Call 1-800-227-xxxx.
Divers Needed for Pothole Repair! Call Ithaca DPW - 227-xxxx. Rights of Salvage!
Sales Trainees Needed for New Boutique: Must be able to design clothes, sew, fit customers, run register, stock shelves, manage staff, negotiate overseas labor contracts, talk Mandarin Chinese, unload pallets, do payroll, handle accounts payable, billings, and everything else. $6.00 hr. Call Betsy 272-xxxx.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:29 PM
Saturday, May 10, 2003
hi-flyers, the IPD bike patrol
The afternoon sun sparkled on Officer Lance Romero's polished helmet and turned the lenses of his shades into dark ovals that made him resemble an extraterrestrial. He leaned on his handlebars, squinting at the squirrel that hopped from doorway to doorway along the line of storefronts. Romero knew he could easily pick the critter off with one shot from the Browning automatic strapped to his waist. A 12 year veteran of the IPD, Romero knew that, while the idea of putting a round into a squirrel on the Commons was a highly entertaining idea, it would probably not advance his career. The animal rights activists in Ithaca, vegans that they all were, would have him for breakfast. Then he'd have to shoot them, every single one of them. Nobody messed with Lance Romero. No one.
Romero listened to the steady hum of static coming from his walkie talkie. It was a quiet Friday downtown. He recognized a lot of the faces of people hanging around the Commons. The Thorazine shufflers, making their self appointed rounds, mumbling like pigeons, eyes fixed on the ever distant horizon; the regular street people, many of whom dabbled in shoplifting and petty thefts to support themselves. They all gravitated over to the round, potbellied figure sitting on a bench, wearing shades, a too small shirt size and an inscrutable smirk, a fence whom the Bike Squad had nicknamed Ali Baba. Then there were the homeboys, baggy jeans ballooning around their ankles, making up raps as they walked, slapping flesh as they met up with each other under the Cayuga St. pavilion. Romero knew them all. He was quite comfortable with the rhythms of small town life, happy to be outdoors on this particular sunny afternoon, proud to be a member of an elite police unit.
The IPD bike squad, Ithaca's finest, crime fighters in shorts. Patrolling downtown on their hi-flyers, spreading the gospel of community policing. A small unit, only five members (the only members of the force that looked half-way decent in bermudas and could shoot and pedal at the same time), they were the vanguard of IPD's downtown response team, masters of mayhem, guardian angels of the public trust. The Bike Squad were always the first to appear at fender benders, street melees, purse snatchings, bar fights and backyard chicken barbecues.
Between crime waves, members of the unit could be spotted sitting in on chess matches across from Autumn Leaves, enforcing the dog ordinance, running shotgun at the hot dog concession. These weren't your average cops who hung out at the donut shop, sugar powder dappling their chins, adding mass to their midriffs, drinking cup after cup of free coffee. The Bike Squad were all fit, trim, athletic, leg muscles bulging, tanned from long hours of sitting around on their hi-flyers, watching college girls drift by with their Shalimar bags, tight as skin jeans and a cell phone invariably glued to one ear.
Romero spotted a couple of suspicious looking dudes coming out of the Fleet bank building, wearing ski masks - a fact he filed in the back of his mind as being odd since it was nearly 70 degrees outside. One was carrying a large canvas sack and brandishing something that looked like one of those machine gun water pistol so popular on hot summer days.
At that moment, the walkie talkie on his lapel crackled into life.
"Chicken barbecue at 140 W. Geneva. Repeat, a 502 in progress. "
Romero slammed sneaker to pedal and bolted into action. He didn't want to get there after Sgt. Bullwinkle. That guy had a formidable capacity for barbecued wings. It figured, though. The sergeant drove a black and white, and didn't have to sweat all that chicken fat and barbecue sauce off in the hot sun.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 8:38 AM
Friday, May 09, 2003
there's no biz....
Ithaca Sucks has been so successful that Ezra is considering launching a new blog. Business Sucks
Now you got it. Ezra wants to be the virtual Malcolm Forbes of little Ithaca, New York. He wants to run a veritable self-publishing industry stretching across cyberspace, To have his advertising banner floating over other people's blogs. Then the dough will really start rolling in.
Ezra's going to name his first yacht BLOGGER BABY I. Set it right out there on Cayuga Lake (if Cayuga Lake's still there at that point. Someday, you might have to visit Cayuga Lake up at Cornell - those guys keep sucking the waters up to campus with that big straw they use, one day they might forget to return it.) Ezra's going to find a 22 year old blonde first mate he calls his 'daughter.' Hire a tanker to fuel the boat right on the water so he'll never have to return to shore. Just like L. Ron Hubbard. Bloginetics.
Why the choice of 'Business Sucks' , you ask?
Have you been down on the Commons lately? Checked out all the shops languishing, ready to go out of business for lack of customers? How many empty store fronts are there downtown anyway? Do you guess 5? 10? Now Ithaca Logos is going out of biz. (Does that mean Ithacans won't be logical?) Who's next? 10,000 Villages has to depend on volunteers, Autumn Leaves pays their employees off in Ithaca Hours, the local funny money, which they can only use in Autumn Leaves. Try to walk in to A Plus and buy a bag of chips, flashing an Ithaca Hour.
Business isn't particularly booming downtown if you haven't noticed. But that's not what Ezra's new blog is about.
Business Sucks because it's a crummy way to spend a life.
Why, you ask? Because only some of the people in business get rich. The rest take a vow of poverty. They swell the growing ranks of that group known as the disposable ones. Ezra is thinking that 90% of Americans fit in that category .They just don't know it yet. Human plastic razors. Living, breathing towelettes. America is a disposable society and things aren't the only things we throw out.
8 million Americans are out of work, another 8 million have dropped down to working part-time. Another 4 million have dropped out of the employment picture entirely. On any given day, it seems that half of them might have moved to Ithaca. In Ithaca, you have more shoplifters than actual shoppers. Stores are giving away gift certificates with every third conviction.
America is filling up with Willy Lomans. I guess not enough people have read Arthur Miller's play Death of a Salesman to figure it out yet. Willy Loman was the washed up salesman who keep dreaming about the good ole' days. The good ole' days are dead and gone. But, seriously, talking about the aesthetics of biz, have you seen Glengarry Glen Ross? One of Ezra's favorite movies. Ezra always identified with the character played by Alec Baldwin. Ezra worked for several guys just like that, minus the good suits and the obvious smell of expensive cologne. Sharks. To work for these guys you had to make yourself indispensable, work 36 hours a day, or just sprinkle yourself with salt.
Does Ezra feel like Willy Loman? Sometimes Ezra feels like he was the one that got away. Other times he thinks he's still in the bait pool. Ezra still works. Still makes a living, sucking up to bosses, ruining his eyes and his health sitting in front of business machines 5 days a week like some doomed sacrificial lamb. Only difference is, deep inside Ezra could care less if his boss makes a cent more than the amount of Ezra's paycheck. A self-defeating attitude? Sure, one day Ezra's going to be out pounding the sidewalks looking for another job with that kind of mindset, right? Ezra hopes not. He's been around long enough to know when it's showtime. When he feels that the bottom line is sagging too much, he springs into action. Comes up with an idea to make his boss money. Like, how about we take the CLOSED sign off the window so customers will know we're open? My boss says, Ezra, I think we'll keep you around a little longer.
Keep your eye out for future issues of Business Sucks.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:08 AM
Thursday, May 08, 2003
ithaca noir
A single naked 60 watt bulb dangles from the ceiling in the shabby office of the Kidder Detective Agency. Moths, dressed in greasy gray trench coats , pulled down worn fedoras, cigarettes carelessly drooping from their lips, circled the bulb like restless insomniacs looking for an all night diner and a cheap cup of joe.
At his desk, dressed in a greasy gray trench coat, cigarette carelessly drooping from his lip, Ezra sat, contemplating the pile of old Ithaca Journals strewn helter- skelter in front of him.
The truth never sleeps. The facts mumble somewhere there below the surface of reality, like jailbirds locked up in the big house, sent up on a frame. What is truth, what is reality? Sometimes it doesn't matter. You just pursue the thread, follow the leads, keep checking in with your stoolies, who are all dressed in greasy gray trenchcoats, cigarettes carelessly dangling from their lips, standing around on corners under the street lamps the City is spending a cool $250K to replace, trying to piece it all together.
Ezra works the night shift. Tracking down the bad guys. Sometimes he wonders who the good guys are, sometimes he wonders who the bad guys are. Ezra wonders a lot. It goes with the job. He keeps his daytime gig . Working for Satan. Satan's of Ithaca. That goes with the territory too, one of those peculiar facts of life in Ithaca, New York. You need two jobs to stay ahead of the curve, keep body and soul on the same track. No use wrestling with the angel, no point in spitting into the wind, you just do it. Like putting on a raincoat when it rains, knocking the ash off the cigarette that dangles carelessly from your lip.
He squints at the newspaper through the wreath of cigarette smoke that circles his shoulders like a sleazy halo. Ciminelli. The name keeps going through his head. Where had he heard that name before? The connection keeps gnawing at the edges of his consciousness. Like the dull pain of a toothache. The sad ,faint, distant harp strings of an old love affair. The constant, nagging signal your body sends you when you've smoked your last Camel and it's time to put your raincoat on , walk out into the dark Ithaca night, pull your hat down over your face against the cold drizzle and find an A Plus.
Somebody told Ezra that same day Hiz Honor, the Mayor, known to the underworld as 'the Altar Boy' had been spotted watching a championship basketball game in Syracuse, enjoying the view from a ritzy sky box belonging to a fat cat real estate developer. The high roller was named Ciminelli. Here was a guy who didn't have to stand around under some street lamp, dressed in a shabby trenchcoat, a cigarette dangling from his lip. Ciminelli was a player. A guy who wore expensive pinkie rings, $1,000 suits, $100 ties with pink storks woven into the pattern. A man around town who had a blonde in furs clinging to each arm at any given time.
It was there right in front of Ezra all the time. The money trail. He savored this sudden flash of revelation, turned it around in his mind like the holy grail, fingered it reverently like it was some treasured bunny tail from the past, kept in a little box wrapped in tissue, that you stash in a drawer. It had been there all the time, as he wandered up and down Rt.13 past the glittering lights of the big box stores, wrapped in his old Robert Hall raincoat, a cigarette dangling carelessly from his lips, pursuing the dark labyrinth of small town politics, the convoluted legal mumbo jumbo of right to build contracts, eviction notices, easements and waivers filed in dusty drawers in City Hall. The money trail was right there on the Commons all the time, hidden in plain view under the ocher colored bricks that covered the electrical grid for the new street lamps the City was putting in.
Another deal, another contract, another tempting taste of kickback money, a big expensive, rent free luxury apartment for Hiz Honor leased under the name of somebody doing business with the City. It was all there. Ezra was on to something now. He wasn't just singing to the choir, decked out in old fashioned trench coats with cigarettes dangling carelessly from their lips as they chimed in on the chorus. Ezra had unearthed the black mambo of small city politics, the Napoleon of white collar crime municipal crime. He had found the trail of payoffs and shady deals cut over cappuccino in rooms littered with granola bar wrappers. And it all led back, like a trail of bagel crumbs, to the 'Altar Boy.'
Ezra kicked his feet back, took another drag from the cigarette carelessly dangling from his lips as he absently stroked the moth worn fabric of his shabby trench coat. Just another night in paradise, he thought. Another window opened to air out the Augean stables of politics, another match lit to shine in the dark corners of small city life. He took no special pride in ferreting out the bad guys wherever they might hide, whether it be in the bright offices of City Hall, around the tiny oak tables of Simeon's, in the darkest corners of the Lost Dog Cafe. It was his job. His second job. Time to catch a few hours of shut eye.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:13 AM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
who's in charge here, anyway
Don't leave home without your American Express. You'll need it to park downtown. Except the parking garages don't take American Express. They don't credit cards, period. What they take is a barrel of money. Believe it.
It now costs $11 to park in the Seneca Street garage for the day. Leave your car overnight and you might find it would have been cheaper to fly first class to Detroit. Yeah, and throw in a complimentary bag of peanuts.
Last week, parking for the same period cost $3. People living through the Depression of the 1920's in Germany understand this kind of hyperinflation. It meant loading a wheel barrow full of deustchmarks to buy a loaf of bread. In those days it took fifteen minutes to count out change for a newspaper.
It's deterrence, says the parking attendant who has the worst job in Ithaca right now besides Ezra's. This is the guy who has to take all the shit from those clueless people like Ezra who, when they drove in that morning, had no idea parking would cost the same as a meal for 4 at McDonald's.
This guy was at the tail end of a really bad day when he explained all this to Ezra. The high cost of parking in the garage, he explained, works as a deterrent to prevent people from parking there all day. Due to a limited number of parking spaces (the city, in its infinite wisdom , decided to renovate the Seneca garage at the same time it was tearing up the lot behind the library for the Cayuga Green project) that means more people get a chance to park.
Those Pavlovian sons of bitches. This is what it comes down to in America's "most enlightened city", eh? Treating people like herd animals? Like laboratory mice? If you want folks to change their behavior, just ask them straight out.
Be that as it may, the message the City of Ithaca is sending comes across loud and clear. Don't even bother coming downtown.
Find somewhere else to work and shop like Manhattan or Syracuse, Muskogee or even Eugene, Oregon, for that matter. People who work retail on the Commons now have to pay a minimum of two hours wages to park for the day. Imagine that. Maybe Ithaca's enlightened employers will throw a couple of cots in the stockroom for their employees to sleep overnight. Or let the staff take a longer lunch so they can pick cans or bottles out of trash receptacles on the Commons to pay for parking? When the officer prods you with his stick at night and tells you to move on, just say you work at Autumn Leaves or Leather Express.
That kind of public policy may have worked in the former Soviet Union or even Manhattan. It doesn't work in Ithaca.
Call it yuppification, call it progress , call it whatever you want. Ezra thinks it's municipal suicide, pure and simple. It's not like it's worth $11 spending a day in downtown Ithaca, is it? Would you call that a value? Who needs to shop at April Cornell, Decorum, 10,000 Villages, Jabberwocky, 3-D Light? How many times a year do you need to buy something at Leather Express anyway? Unless, you're into some serious S&M and go through leather teddies that fast?
So what if usership at the Public Library starts to decline? Just hang out at Borders or B&N, snag some latte, make yourself comfortable in the soft seating with thousands of books and magazines.
Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Does Ezra detect the outline of some kind of sinister, machiavellian conspiracy in all this?
The City of Ithaca wants people to shop somewhere else, is that it? Mayor Cohen wheeled and dealed, lied and connived for six years to turn Rt. 13 into a gold strip. He and his cronies got into bed with so many big box retailers, they started getting bedsores. They had to move all the drugstores down to the Elmira Rd so they could get a little relief.
Do you ever see Mayor Cohen or Common Council members shopping downtown?
Hey, when the last struggling, gasping boutique gives up the ghost on the Commons, the City can turn downtown into one vast parking lot for the businesses on Rt. 13.
Imagine that.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:50 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
 tootsie pops Have you ever noticed that Ithaca is home to a lot of real mush heads? Ezra is talking now about people with soft centers; people with minds that produce static cling, who read books written by little guys with the word 'Baba' in their names.
Like the individual who wrote a letter to the editor published in last Saturday's Ithaca Journal.
"I do not agree with President Bush on many things and I used to feel a certain sense of lack of respect toward him but now I changed my mind," our soap on a rope pilgrim writes.
Are you sure that's not fear talking. This guy Bush just whacked how many Iraqis? Anybody would be tempted to change their minds.
"Another reason was that I realized that my thoughts have power," He continues. Have you tried plugging your toothbrush or microwave into them yet? Use an adapter if your head has only a two prong jack.
"and if I and many other 'Peace Loving People' feel righteous and angry at Bush and his administration it really is not helping anyone." Well, it didn't help the Iraqi people either, did it? Especially those who happened to be standing under a 2,000 lb bomb. The PLP should have put PCP's in the Pentagon drinking water instead.
"We need to be united as a people..." You stand in Fall Creek and Ezra will stand over here. We'll communicate via the Psychic Network and send a joint communicat to Washington. That's like the old joke, we went to different schools together.
"and to send our president peaceful and loving thoughts and not angry and resentful ones that will only confuse him more." Is that humanly possible? To be any more confused than George W. Bush? A new vein of subtle humor has unexpectedly been revealed under all that mush. Really, let's face it, George I couldn't even a complete a sentence, Junior is reported to to dyslexic; he had to endure the nickname "Sprout' all those years and then suddenly he was expected to be President of the United States. Wouldn't you be confused?
"It does not mean that we need to agree with him." Does it matter? The UN didn't agree with him either. Ezra's sure Bush lies awake at night and worries whether or not you agree with him. Governing by consensus went out sometime before the Constitution was even written.
"If millions of people send Bush negative thoughts, it will make him more and more confused and we and the whole world will suffer." Ok, try to stay on course. You get so emotional. We won't send him any more negative thoughts. Ok? Who wants to make the whole world suffer? Bush? Certainly not Ezra.
"I believe that on a physical level it is very important to collectively be united on this." Do you actually mean we have to be joined at the hip? That gets problematic when you try to go to the bathroom, doesn't it? What do you mean by 'physical level'?
Allright, you PLP's out there. I want you to get together, channel your thoughts and send George a big hickey. Whenever he goes out in public or tries to make a speech, people all around the world will start giggling. There goes the Love President, they'll all say. Bush will have to hire doubles just like Saddam, when he addresses Congress or visits his little pal, Tony, in London town.
Imagine that. A front man standing in for the front man. It reminds Ezra of one of those Russian easter eggs. But, in the end, they'll just get another rich oil millionaire up to stand in for Bush. Ok, PLP's out there, put your thinking caps on again.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 12:53 AM
Monday, May 05, 2003
bye bye
Every chance Ezra gets now, since the weather's improving, he works on his sign. It's coming along beautifully, shaping up to be a first rate, a truly remarkable sign. In a week or two, he'll drag it out to 79 East or 96 South and test it out roadside. The thing is so big , whenever Ezra takes it anywhere, he looks like, well , you know, JC, dragging his cross up to Calvary.
Ezra's sign measures six feet tall, six feet wide and is painted with big red letters. When mounted, the Ithaca side reads -GOOD BYE STUDENTS!. The side visible for a few seconds in rearview mirrors reads - GOOD RIDDANCE.
Does Ezra echo the sentiments of most Ithacans? He hopes not.
Ezra would like to feel that his contempt for THE STUDENTS is more original, more deeply felt, more profound. Sure, many Ithacans hate THE STUDENTS because they're rude, noisy, obnoxious. They party constantly, play their stereos loud, trash their apartments; haven't learned to drive stick shift or automatic, or park parallel or even head in yet. Certainly they don't know how to clean up after themselves. You know, the usual stuff. Generational friction combined with their sense of being transients and our sense that this is our home translates into CONFLICT.
Ezra hates THE STUDENTS because they think they're junior Masters of the Universe.
They get that from their parents. At that age, their parents were convinced that THEY too were junior Masters of the Universe . Many of them attended Cornell or places like Sarah Lawrence. In most cases, the parents graduated with a degree in social and intellectual superiority; went on to fill slots at Enron, or at the head of bustling factories along the New Jersey Thruway producing garbage bag ties.
Cornell is a kind of factory itself, cranking out young Masters of the Universe, SOCIALLY USEFUL PEOPLE, folks with a destiny in the business or scientific cosmos. CU imbues its students with this sense of destiny, an awareness of one's place in the scheme of things. In short, it teaches them to look down on other people.
Literally and figuratively.
Now, you may have noticed that Ezra has allowed IC to wriggle off the hook of condemnation. Ithaca College seems to Ezra to be a more down to earth school; the cloud cover doesn't quite obscure the peaks . Anyway, students at IC occasionally do learn useful things. They don't dally for four years studying Sanskrit Punctuation or translating Sumerian grocery lists. It's true. Cornell is a Research University and IC is simply another diploma mill. If you study about diseases like gingivitis in iguanas, you might think that you're a Master of the Universe.
Cornell, Ezra is told, used to indoctrinate students not to fraternize with the natives. Everything was provided for them on campus or in Collegetown, so students didn't have to descend to the lower depths except for an occasional meal out. For decades, Cornell was a self-sustained and self-sustaining universe. The manor house up on the hill. We're talking plantation system now. Old massa. Cotton fields down below. Sorry. Miss Scarlett, you' brakes ain't ready yet. Well, Mista' Butler, suh, wold yuh like a coke wi' dat.
You get the picture. Now, Cornell trains its students how to takeover Ithaca. How to threaten small businesses using the right of eminent domain so Cornell can build hotels and office complexes downtown. How to set up a lot of tables on the Commons to demonstrate how caring, how socially and environmentally conscious Cornell students really are. How they just care so much about the community. Or how to infiltrate Common Council so THEY, the students, get to decide whether or not Plain Street needs a new traffic light. Maybe Ithacans will conclude that they preferred the old, aloof and disdaining, Cornell instead. Stay up on the f---king hill, will you? Just let the cash trickle down.
Ezra's actually met a few Cornell students that he likes. A few, mind you. He just can't stand the scene itself. Ezra drives a mile out of his way to avoid Cornell. He can't remember the last time he was on campus. Maybe before they built Sage Chapel. He's not sure. Maybe old Ezra Cornell was still strutting around, who knows?
He doesn't think that most Ithacans are all that honest about how they feel about Cornell. All smiles when they take the credit cards, then it's all nasty faces behind THE STUDENTS backs.
Ezra wants to be more up front, in their faces, confrontational, down and dirty. That's why he's going to drag his sign up to Rt. 79 one of these fine days Before all THE STUDENTS leave town.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:44 AM
Sunday, May 04, 2003
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
May 4, 2003
MARINES TAKE OVER COMMONS
In a dazzling show of force and tactical skill, units of the 1st Marine Division, recently home from Iraq, staged a mock invasion of the Commons Saturday afternoon as hundreds of onlookers watched. Several dozen anti-war demonstrators were also in attendance, waving pickets and chanting anti-military slogans.
A dozen battle-tested marines , loaded with gear, scaled from a rope dangling from a Black Hawk hovering above the Commons as others set up a defense perimeter outside of Juna's. Camouflaged tents dotted the area around the old Home Dairy building as a Bradley vehicle lumbered slowly past Autumn Leaves Bookstore. A lone protester in the bookstore's second floor window shouted " Go home, Yankee!" as a marine on top of the vehicle flashed a good will peace gesture in return.
The display of marine bravado was part of President Bush's Operation American Freedom, designed to celebrate US victory in Iraq and to build support back home for a strong military. Critics have suggested that OAF is simply an excuse to prepare troops for quelling possible future civil unrest as well as to 'cow' anti-war demonstrators into submission. Ithaca has traditionally been home to a lively peace movement. Common Council voted last February for a resolution against the war.
Mayor Cohen, when interviewed, commented, " At least it gets people downtown. Maybe this will be a boost for the local economy. If so, we should do it more often."
REPUBLICANS AMASS $25 MILLION WAR CHEST
Aided by contributions from the Republican National Committee, the local GOP has pledged to spend upwards on $25 million to regain their political base in Ithaca and Tompkins County.
"The only numbers that count in the end are the amount of Lincolns, Washingtons and Grants that you spend." GOP spokesperson Jim Sigler commented during an interview with IS.
The Republicans plan to blanket Tompkins County with advertising in preparation for upcoming countywide and city elections. "We'll give away cars if that's what it takes," Sigler added.
One of the problems that have plagued the GOP in recent elections has been the difficulty in finding name recognition candidates to run for office. IS has heard rumors that the Republicans plan to approach several well known national celebrities about the prospect of moving to Ithaca to face Carolyn Peterson , the leading Democrat, in the November mayoral election.
When asked about this rumor, Sigler commented, " Martha Stewart? That would be interesting, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, she has a few image problems right now. That wouldn't be such a good idea when the Enron thing is still fresh in people's minds. We're really going after Madonna. Carolyn Peterson against Madonna. That would be a real battle of the blondes!"
REPUBLICAN STORE SLATED FOR COMMONS
Gary Ferguson, director of the Ithaca Downtown Business Partnership, announced Friday that the Republican Store, a chain of political merchandise retailers, will move into the vacant 5,000 sq. ft. store front formerly occupied by CVS this July.
"It's not your traditional Ithaca business. That's for sure," Ferguson remarked during a phone interview. "But the company is well-financed and prepared to do what it takes to be successful. "
The Republican Store started as an e-commerce operation selling Operation Iraqi Freedom playing cards and has now branched into retail outlets across the nation. Their flagship store, located near the World Trade Center site , opened recently to much fanfare and a visit from the Vice-President. The resurgence of patriotism has sent sales soaring.
"We're not quite sure how they plan to fill all that space," Ferguson added. "Obviously they're going to sell more than Iraqi leadership playing cards. "
Visitors to the NYC store reported browsing through a showroom full of Abraham Lincoln era reproduction furniture, Teddy Roosevelt, Herbert Hoover and President Bushs I & II full-length lawn figurines , statues of Patches and Millie, famous Republican pooches, Ike buttons, Ronald Reagan Memory Improvement tapes, John Ashcroft nude statue skirts, as well as exact replicas of bullet proof Presidential limousines selling for $275,000.
"We don't expect that they'll sell any limos on the Commons in Ithaca," Ferguson commented. "Is it politically -motivated , timed to coincide with the upcoming elections? Call it what you will, we're just happy to see that store front filled."
HUGE CROP CIRCLE FOUND IN DRYDEN
A strange W-shaped pattern, measuring 3,000 ft. across, found in an wheat field has stumped Dryden residents and county officials.
"We're not sure how this could have got here." Dryden Police Chief Tim Conway told IS. "I don't think it's a prank or anything. That's the first thing we thought when we saw it. Some Cornell or IC students getting together to pull off a stunt. But this thing is just too big."
Neighbors adjacent to the field did not recall observing unusual phenomena in the vicinity in recent weeks. The Dryden farmer, Garrett Woods, who owns the wheat field was not able to pinpoint the exact time when the pattern might have first appeared. A small private plane flying into Tompkins County Airport reported the phenomenon to State Police on Friday.
"Hey, I've watched a lot of X-File reruns like everybody else, " Mr. Woods commented. "But this takes the cake. I don't remember seeing any unusual lights or stuff like that. No little green men walking around. Why a big "W"? This is the strangest thing I've ever seen."
Experts on paranormal phenomena from Cornell University scoured the surrounding area for clues. The only item they reported finding was a small American flag lapel pin.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
Bush to N. Korea, "No more Mr. Nice Guy"
Rumsfeld, Iraqi Shi-ites on the War Path!
Ashcroft Bans Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People" from National Museum
--"This is not a topless bar."
New Book : Condoleeza Rice Related to Thomas Jefferson
Putin to Bush - Leave Some Oil for the Rest of Us
BUSINESS NEWS
Readers Respond to ISDowntown Business Survey
Our readers have spoken! Hundreds of Ithacans have responded to our questionnaire about the kind of new businesses, community events and activities that they would like to see on the Commons.
Here's what they have to say:
Out of 417 Ithacans responding:
175 wrote:"We'd rather go to the mall. Don't contact us again!"
"Get rid of all the trendy boutiques and head shops. Open a Wal-mart with plenty of free parking. /106
"Get rid of the pedestrian mall. It doesn't work. We'd tired of going half a mile out of our way to get back on State Street." /45
"Toys R Us. Ithaca needs a good toy store so we can buy GI Joe and Jane dolls.." /25
"Move Greenstar downtown. Who wants to walk all that way to eat healthy?" /15
"Bring back the Army/Navy Store. There's all that good Operation Iraqi Freedom stuff on the market now." /13
"Mud wrestling on a Saturday afternoon." /11
"Tractor-pull contests. And stock car racing!" /9
" A few 4 H events. A real farmer's market with hogs, cows and chickens running around rather than hippie knick-knack booths and an extension of Wegman's." /7
"A rock festival like Woodstock. Wow, man." /5
"The world Hackeysack Championship should be held in Ithaca." /3
" A good ole fashioned whorehouse. That's what downtown needs." /2
"Another x-rated bookshop. I got banned for life from this one." /1
"Turn downtown into one big outdoor saloon. That way we can smoke in a bar again." /1
"Flood the Commons and turn it into a kind of upstate New York Venice. Just like in the big flood of '57." /1
Does that add up to 417?
CORNELL IN THE NEWS
Cornell plant biologists breed vegetables with scanable bar codes.
Professor Rodney Biohazard of the Cornell Plant Science Department has figured out a way to save the retail food industry millions. In a well-lit greenhouse on the CU campus, he's growing green peppers and cucumbers with a bar code on the skin that scan easily at the checkout.
"It's a revolution in food production." Prof. Biohazard told IS. " Look how much money big chains like Wegman's will save on product marking. And it will save consumers time too. Ever get to the checkout with your purchases and the kid behind the register doesn't know what a rutabaga is?"
ITHACA SUCKS ALTERNATIVE SECTION
This is a new feature to Ithaca Sucks Sunday Edition highlighting some of the alternative lifestyles of folks around the Ithaca area. Every week IS will interview another individual who offers a unique point of view, or interesting knowledge, skills or hobbies that help to make Ithaca the diverse community that it is.
Frank Gill thinks that he's a fish.
A Zebrafish, to be exact.
Every day you can see Frank swimming up and down the Commons, occasionally ducking into one of the pavilions to find some interesting morsel of algae or other.
Frank has been swimming around this pond for 12 years. He came here to attend Cornell Vet School, graduated in 1972 and remained in Ithaca for a few years, working odd jobs. In 1980 Frank had a life-changing experience.
As he tells the story, "I was over at Stewart Park at the fish pond one day. Suddenly this gigantic catfish just cruises to the surface, looks me in the eye and starts talking to me. Just matter of factly. There didn't seem to be a language barrier at all. I told my friends about him but, when the catfish reappeared , they couldn't get a word out of him. That's when I started visiting him every day. He was lonely, going through a messy divorce. It was good to find a friend. For him as well as for me. There's something very spiritual about fish. Then, one day, I just woke up after closing the Haunt the night before and decided I wanted to be a fish."
Frank loves Ithaca. "The water is so clean around here. And people care about the environment."
As we end our interview, Frank shoots over to the big glass Alphabet Soup window, puckers his lips against the pane and makes little suction sounds.
He's a little fish in a little pond and it doesn't seem to bother him. He's having a ball.
IS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Earth Liberation Army (Ithaca Cell) will hold a brief meeting outside the Cargill Salt plant's south entrance just after dark on Tuesday, May 6. Leave a message in the usual place if you plan to attend.
The Gloria Steinem Look-Alike Club will hold its May brunch at Moosewood Restaurant on Saturday, May 10, 1 pm.
Members of the Radioactive Fishermen's Class Action suit against Cornell for dumping plutonium- contaminated waste in Cayuga Lake will meet at the offices of Legal Beavers of Ithaca, Inc. at 11:30 AM Tuesday, May 7.
A rosary service will be held next Sunday at 7:00 am for Our Lady of Buttermilk Falls at the grotto. If you plan to drive, remember that parking is $6.00 per vehicle at the park.
CLASSIFIEDS
Business for sale. Established tavern in highly visible location. Call Joe 277-xxxx or stop in after 7 pm at the Chanticleer.
Jobs!Jobs!Jobs! Send Spam from your home computer. Earn $100 a day. Contact iscentral@hotmail.com.
City parking got you down? Park on our lawn and walk to work. $25 a month. 140 S. Geneva St. Call Alice 277-xxxx.
One Day Only Sale! French berets and risqué postcards at dirt cheap prices/ left overs from the Ithaca French Festival!! Memories that will last a lifetime. There's still time to buy souvenir stale baguettes if you call now. Call Paul Glover 272-xxxx.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:51 PM
Saturday, May 03, 2003
snow job
Where do expressions like 'couch potato' and 'snow job'come from anyhow?
Ever wonder? Are you at all curious? Do you simply not care? Are you some kind of 'meathead'or something? Hey, it's the weekend, right, and you've turned off your brain, flipped the sign to 'sorry, we're closed' , shutdown, plant closing, gone fishing, out of business, arcanus compressum. Ezra understands. Really, he does.
But somebody has to write the blog. Even if the archives keep disappearing. Even if only 2 out of 400 million Americans read it. It's a tradition that derives from a sense of duty. And, we, as Americans, understand a thing or two about duty, don't we? Like bringing democracy to political shut-ins around the globe. Or keeping the light of freedom burning? What kind of bulb does it take anyway? Did it really take 300,000 Americans to change a light bulb in Iraq? Ask what you can do for your country, not what your country can do for you.
Ezra had a hunch and followed up on it. He spent 15 hours online, or poring over old books and newspapers in the library. Read thousands of pages, scanned 2 miles of microfilm, wore out a pair of glasses in the process. And, you know what? Ezra was right after all.
The expression 'snow job'did originate in Ithaca, New York. First used in an editorial from the Ithaca Journal, the coinage acridly described the campaign promises made by mayoral candidate, Edwin Stewart back in 1920. Since Edwin's name generously dots all the maps of Ithaca, it's fair to say that Ithaca got snowed, after all. (No, we're not getting more snow.)
Are you surprised? Isn't Ithaca the place they call one of the most 'enlightened' cities in the US? Isn't Ithaca gorges? Isn't this the only place Ezra has ever seen a retail store using 'volunteers' ? Sure, they're called fair trade representatives - working for 10,000 Villages. Kids still in high school, cutting deals with remote Andean villages for shipments of handcrafted baskets and whatchamajiggers. What do the natives get in return? Ithaca is Gorges t-shirts? Check out the display window for 10,000 Villages outside Center Ithaca. You'll get a chuckle unless you happen to be wearing your standard Ithaca-issue rose colored glasses.
Didn't the taxpayers receive a snow job when they paid $500,000 for solar panels for the library. First of all, there may not have been enough available sunlight in Ithaca to power a pencil sharpener. Now the city is erecting this Cayuga Green project, putting up buildings next to the library that will block whatever sun we do get, rendering those solar panels as useless as yesterday's chewing gum.
Don't they tell us that all this development Mayor Cohen and his 10 dwarfs have lined up around town will produce more jobs, bring in more tourists, increase tax revenues? So, what we get is less parking, all the construction noise and grit, a city that's beginning to resemble Milwaukee. Meanwhile Cohen & Co. are all jumping ship to take the new jobs that are opening up. All eleven of them.
Welcome to the snow job capital of the United States. Ezra's surprised that George Bush didn't parachute in to Ithaca this Thursday to tell us the war is over. Instead of landing on the deck of an aircraft carrier only 39 miles from shore. Too many 'progressives' around for comfort? Get serious.
Oh, by the way, Ezra was only kidding about Mayor Stewart and the origins of the expression 'snow job.' We're getting another five inches tonight.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:32 AM
Friday, May 02, 2003
up in smoke
Thanks, Gov. Pataki.
Thanks, insurance industry.
Because of you guys, starting in July, Ezra won't be able to enjoy a smoke with his suds at the Chanticleer. Actually, it's more like, enjoy a suds with his smoke.
Ezra is one of a vanishing breed of American smokers. Going the way of the dodo bird, the cougar, the buffalo, the cowboy, the Native American. Eventually everything in America disappears. Except the insurance companies.
Will the Chanticleer itself eventually disappear? Become just another empty store front in downtown Ithaca? Home to a future pizza parlor or another Asian restaurant? People have been going to that dive their entire lives. Smoking and drinking. Drinking and smoking. Playing a little pool, listening to old Merle Haggard tunes. How will the old timers adjust? Besides the waiting room at their doctors, where are they going to hang out now?
Let's hang out in the parks! The warm weather's finally here. All the smokers in Ithaca can descend on Buttermilk Falls Park at one time. If we tote and puff enough, we can create our own weather formation. Park rangers will think there's a forest fire or something. Can you imagine that? 5,000 smokers in close formation, puffing away, creating little piles of butts dotting the landscape that resemble ant hills on Mars, or clogging the streams and waterways with their filters.
Hey, they wanted to kick us out of the bars and restaurants. Let them enjoy the quaint pleasures of the Chanticleer. We're going to be out in nature, living it up! What are they going to do about that? Ban smoking outdoors? Have park rangers going around like Smoky the Bear, telling us to put that cigarette out? Put health warnings on trees? (Well, they could put smokers on the rez. Let us earn our living by making Native Smoker crafts with old cigarette filters, put a wooden smoker outside of Simeon's.)
Just because we can't play the juke box or shoot pool outdoors doesn't mean we can't have fun. We can build rafts out of all those empty cardboard cigarette packs. Ezra has about eight saved up on top of his PC. He's ready to go white water rafting down Cascadilla Creek. Or go over the Ithaca Falls with his crash helmet, cigarette in one hand, paddle in the other.
There's lots of fun we can have. We can organize a one-lunged race and see who's the fastest smoker to make it up Buffalo Street. You get a carton of Camels and an honorary degree if you win. Hey, the Marlboro Man was always an outdoors type. Before they strapped him to his iron stallion.
Let's not be disheartened, fellow smokers. Eventually the buffalo did came back. While we can't depend on the big tobacco companies (those wimps!) for support, we can still count on our allies in France. (Vive la Gauloise!) Or Eastern Europe where every minister of health smokes three packs a day. If things get bad enough in the ole' USA, we can always move to Europe. Love it or leave it. Vote with your lungs.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:11 AM
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