A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

alternative ithaca festivals

With a little imagination, every day could be Fiesta in I-town. Imagination is in short supply, so here's a care package of ideas from the Volk at Ithaca Sucks.

A-Plus Beef Jerky Days - Does your snack food still moo? Break out those long leathery sticks of mad cow- delicious jerky. Make earrings and nose rings out of the suckers, turn them in light wands and pretend you're star troopers on Moo Planet.
Storm the evil empire of Moo-sewood and route the pseudo-vegetarians with their fondue haircuts. Real men eat beef jerkey, not quiche lorraine.

Chanticleer Days on the Commons. Let the excitement of the Chanty spill out in the streets with real cock fights, wet tee-shirt contests, barstool deadaways, broken bottle duels, and RedMan Spitoffs. Do you know what a barstool deadaway even is?
It's when a red neck sits on a barstool, has about 10 Gennies, closes his eyes and pretends he's with the 82nd Airborne over Baghdad. Dead away! No parachute, Ma!

Topless Days Downtown. Get all those well-endowed hippie madchen from Dewitt Park out on the Commons to demonstrate the joys of shirtlessness. It ain't fair that only men are allowed to show their nipples in public. The younger set can play street hockey with surplus silicon implants. They work better than hockey pucks!

GreenStar Giant Moth Days - let those little critters out of the bulk bins, will ya? You thought honey bees were a big attraction in Ithaca? Watch those little Asian honies strip down the Commons in a single weekend. Don't be foolish enough to wear a sweater downtown during this event!

Empty Storefront Days. Convert all those empty stores into kissing booths, shooting galleries, cotton candy stands and pretend we're on the Boardwalk. Instead of garage sales on their front lawns, people can rent an empty store front for an afternoon and peddle their broken toasters and yesteryear's astro turf doormats right on the Commons. Give people a taste of running their own boutiques. They might even consider doing it year round and fill up all those store fronts.

VFW Weekend - America's the great place that it is because everyone has the right ot express their opinion. So let the old geezers take over the entire Commons for a weekend and turn it in a coney island of patriotism. They can make a little cash as well to fix up the old howitzer in front of their bat cave. Legless vets selling Iraqi Freedom playing cards, saber rattling contests, tar and feather Joe Wetmore, get Merle Haggard out of the drunk tank to sing a few bars of 'I'm an okie from Freeville.' They gave their all, why can't we give them a weekend in the sun?

Woodstock 3 - think of the possibilities! There's at least one rock band not in wheel chairs or dead from overdoses left from the original concert. Stoke up the nostalgia mill. Watch the hippies crawl out of the woodpile. Hey, man, they closed Rt 79! This is the 2nd biggest city in New York, dude! Young nubile hippies bathing in the potholes! Wow, this is heaven.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:19 AM