A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

good news, bad news

The good news. Are you ready? It's Graduation Weekend.

The signal for that annual migration when thousands of assholes pack up and depart for sunnier climes. Stuff their $10,000 worth of stereo gear, 800 pairs of Levi dockers, big Red sweaters made in Nicaraguan sweatshops, wallets packed with credit cards into expensive Japanese-made automobiles and clog the highways leaving town.

Whoopee! It's safe to head downtown again on a Friday night. Make reservations at Les Ducs. We're eating fois gras again, baby.

The bad news. Due to the bad economy, more and more students will be holding on to their after school jobs at Collegetown bageleries or sticking out around to fill volunteer slots trading plastic Ho CHi Minh figurines at the recently expanded 10,000 Villages this summer. It's called cocooning. The economy is so bad in Ithaca that it anesthetizes you from the pain of making your way in the real world. Better to slap slabs of cream cheese on whole wheat bagels in Ithaca than to load copying machines in Michigan. It gives you a sense of false security. Ain't that so.?

They just don't want to leave. They're hanging on like weevils, holding on to the vines. We need big cans of Raid. Get them where they live. Fumigate Collegetown.

You really have to admit the students add very little to Ithaca outside of cash flow. Too bad Ithacans couldn't find something useful to make besides bagels . Hey, we used to make guns. What happened? You'd think that with all the gangs in East LA and sickos joining militias in Michigan, there'd be a constant demand for really nice shotguns. Instead, Ithaca produces 30 different kinds of bagels and 500 varieties of useless college degrees. We have 40,000 hungry mouths to feed. Hey, if you didn't know this already, the food industry alone in Ithaca rakes in $40 million a year. That's lots of bagels, baby.

We need an alternative economy - hey, we'd settle for just an economy at this point. How about lawn signs? Ithaca being the protest capital of the universe, couldn't we shut down the colleges, turn them into factories and produce lawn signs and bumper stickers for the entire world? There isn't a Volvo in Ithaca that isn't covered fender to fender with 'save the grouse' or 'tacos not bombs' stickers. There's a growing demand for protest signs. Consider how many anti-IMF, fuck the World Bank, anti-globalization signs folks went through in Seattle, Quebec and Milan? Do you really think they recycle those things? Look at all the Shi-ites in Iraq? Don't they need bumper stickers and mosque signs? Go Home, Yankees. Allah Wants to See You in His Rearview Mirror!

Finally, we found a way for George Bush to get the economy moving instead of tax cuts. We just need to figure out who he's going to pick on next in order for us to make a real killing.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:15 AM