A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy
Archives
|
Sunday, May 04, 2003
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
May 4, 2003
MARINES TAKE OVER COMMONS
In a dazzling show of force and tactical skill, units of the 1st Marine Division, recently home from Iraq, staged a mock invasion of the Commons Saturday afternoon as hundreds of onlookers watched. Several dozen anti-war demonstrators were also in attendance, waving pickets and chanting anti-military slogans.
A dozen battle-tested marines , loaded with gear, scaled from a rope dangling from a Black Hawk hovering above the Commons as others set up a defense perimeter outside of Juna's. Camouflaged tents dotted the area around the old Home Dairy building as a Bradley vehicle lumbered slowly past Autumn Leaves Bookstore. A lone protester in the bookstore's second floor window shouted " Go home, Yankee!" as a marine on top of the vehicle flashed a good will peace gesture in return.
The display of marine bravado was part of President Bush's Operation American Freedom, designed to celebrate US victory in Iraq and to build support back home for a strong military. Critics have suggested that OAF is simply an excuse to prepare troops for quelling possible future civil unrest as well as to 'cow' anti-war demonstrators into submission. Ithaca has traditionally been home to a lively peace movement. Common Council voted last February for a resolution against the war.
Mayor Cohen, when interviewed, commented, " At least it gets people downtown. Maybe this will be a boost for the local economy. If so, we should do it more often."
REPUBLICANS AMASS $25 MILLION WAR CHEST
Aided by contributions from the Republican National Committee, the local GOP has pledged to spend upwards on $25 million to regain their political base in Ithaca and Tompkins County.
"The only numbers that count in the end are the amount of Lincolns, Washingtons and Grants that you spend." GOP spokesperson Jim Sigler commented during an interview with IS.
The Republicans plan to blanket Tompkins County with advertising in preparation for upcoming countywide and city elections. "We'll give away cars if that's what it takes," Sigler added.
One of the problems that have plagued the GOP in recent elections has been the difficulty in finding name recognition candidates to run for office. IS has heard rumors that the Republicans plan to approach several well known national celebrities about the prospect of moving to Ithaca to face Carolyn Peterson , the leading Democrat, in the November mayoral election.
When asked about this rumor, Sigler commented, " Martha Stewart? That would be interesting, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, she has a few image problems right now. That wouldn't be such a good idea when the Enron thing is still fresh in people's minds. We're really going after Madonna. Carolyn Peterson against Madonna. That would be a real battle of the blondes!"
REPUBLICAN STORE SLATED FOR COMMONS
Gary Ferguson, director of the Ithaca Downtown Business Partnership, announced Friday that the Republican Store, a chain of political merchandise retailers, will move into the vacant 5,000 sq. ft. store front formerly occupied by CVS this July.
"It's not your traditional Ithaca business. That's for sure," Ferguson remarked during a phone interview. "But the company is well-financed and prepared to do what it takes to be successful. "
The Republican Store started as an e-commerce operation selling Operation Iraqi Freedom playing cards and has now branched into retail outlets across the nation. Their flagship store, located near the World Trade Center site , opened recently to much fanfare and a visit from the Vice-President. The resurgence of patriotism has sent sales soaring.
"We're not quite sure how they plan to fill all that space," Ferguson added. "Obviously they're going to sell more than Iraqi leadership playing cards. "
Visitors to the NYC store reported browsing through a showroom full of Abraham Lincoln era reproduction furniture, Teddy Roosevelt, Herbert Hoover and President Bushs I & II full-length lawn figurines , statues of Patches and Millie, famous Republican pooches, Ike buttons, Ronald Reagan Memory Improvement tapes, John Ashcroft nude statue skirts, as well as exact replicas of bullet proof Presidential limousines selling for $275,000.
"We don't expect that they'll sell any limos on the Commons in Ithaca," Ferguson commented. "Is it politically -motivated , timed to coincide with the upcoming elections? Call it what you will, we're just happy to see that store front filled."
HUGE CROP CIRCLE FOUND IN DRYDEN
A strange W-shaped pattern, measuring 3,000 ft. across, found in an wheat field has stumped Dryden residents and county officials.
"We're not sure how this could have got here." Dryden Police Chief Tim Conway told IS. "I don't think it's a prank or anything. That's the first thing we thought when we saw it. Some Cornell or IC students getting together to pull off a stunt. But this thing is just too big."
Neighbors adjacent to the field did not recall observing unusual phenomena in the vicinity in recent weeks. The Dryden farmer, Garrett Woods, who owns the wheat field was not able to pinpoint the exact time when the pattern might have first appeared. A small private plane flying into Tompkins County Airport reported the phenomenon to State Police on Friday.
"Hey, I've watched a lot of X-File reruns like everybody else, " Mr. Woods commented. "But this takes the cake. I don't remember seeing any unusual lights or stuff like that. No little green men walking around. Why a big "W"? This is the strangest thing I've ever seen."
Experts on paranormal phenomena from Cornell University scoured the surrounding area for clues. The only item they reported finding was a small American flag lapel pin.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
Bush to N. Korea, "No more Mr. Nice Guy"
Rumsfeld, Iraqi Shi-ites on the War Path!
Ashcroft Bans Delacroix's "Liberty Leading the People" from National Museum
--"This is not a topless bar."
New Book : Condoleeza Rice Related to Thomas Jefferson
Putin to Bush - Leave Some Oil for the Rest of Us
BUSINESS NEWS
Readers Respond to ISDowntown Business Survey
Our readers have spoken! Hundreds of Ithacans have responded to our questionnaire about the kind of new businesses, community events and activities that they would like to see on the Commons.
Here's what they have to say:
Out of 417 Ithacans responding:
175 wrote:"We'd rather go to the mall. Don't contact us again!"
"Get rid of all the trendy boutiques and head shops. Open a Wal-mart with plenty of free parking. /106
"Get rid of the pedestrian mall. It doesn't work. We'd tired of going half a mile out of our way to get back on State Street." /45
"Toys R Us. Ithaca needs a good toy store so we can buy GI Joe and Jane dolls.." /25
"Move Greenstar downtown. Who wants to walk all that way to eat healthy?" /15
"Bring back the Army/Navy Store. There's all that good Operation Iraqi Freedom stuff on the market now." /13
"Mud wrestling on a Saturday afternoon." /11
"Tractor-pull contests. And stock car racing!" /9
" A few 4 H events. A real farmer's market with hogs, cows and chickens running around rather than hippie knick-knack booths and an extension of Wegman's." /7
"A rock festival like Woodstock. Wow, man." /5
"The world Hackeysack Championship should be held in Ithaca." /3
" A good ole fashioned whorehouse. That's what downtown needs." /2
"Another x-rated bookshop. I got banned for life from this one." /1
"Turn downtown into one big outdoor saloon. That way we can smoke in a bar again." /1
"Flood the Commons and turn it into a kind of upstate New York Venice. Just like in the big flood of '57." /1
Does that add up to 417?
CORNELL IN THE NEWS
Cornell plant biologists breed vegetables with scanable bar codes.
Professor Rodney Biohazard of the Cornell Plant Science Department has figured out a way to save the retail food industry millions. In a well-lit greenhouse on the CU campus, he's growing green peppers and cucumbers with a bar code on the skin that scan easily at the checkout.
"It's a revolution in food production." Prof. Biohazard told IS. " Look how much money big chains like Wegman's will save on product marking. And it will save consumers time too. Ever get to the checkout with your purchases and the kid behind the register doesn't know what a rutabaga is?"
ITHACA SUCKS ALTERNATIVE SECTION
This is a new feature to Ithaca Sucks Sunday Edition highlighting some of the alternative lifestyles of folks around the Ithaca area. Every week IS will interview another individual who offers a unique point of view, or interesting knowledge, skills or hobbies that help to make Ithaca the diverse community that it is.
Frank Gill thinks that he's a fish.
A Zebrafish, to be exact.
Every day you can see Frank swimming up and down the Commons, occasionally ducking into one of the pavilions to find some interesting morsel of algae or other.
Frank has been swimming around this pond for 12 years. He came here to attend Cornell Vet School, graduated in 1972 and remained in Ithaca for a few years, working odd jobs. In 1980 Frank had a life-changing experience.
As he tells the story, "I was over at Stewart Park at the fish pond one day. Suddenly this gigantic catfish just cruises to the surface, looks me in the eye and starts talking to me. Just matter of factly. There didn't seem to be a language barrier at all. I told my friends about him but, when the catfish reappeared , they couldn't get a word out of him. That's when I started visiting him every day. He was lonely, going through a messy divorce. It was good to find a friend. For him as well as for me. There's something very spiritual about fish. Then, one day, I just woke up after closing the Haunt the night before and decided I wanted to be a fish."
Frank loves Ithaca. "The water is so clean around here. And people care about the environment."
As we end our interview, Frank shoots over to the big glass Alphabet Soup window, puckers his lips against the pane and makes little suction sounds.
He's a little fish in a little pond and it doesn't seem to bother him. He's having a ball.
IS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Earth Liberation Army (Ithaca Cell) will hold a brief meeting outside the Cargill Salt plant's south entrance just after dark on Tuesday, May 6. Leave a message in the usual place if you plan to attend.
The Gloria Steinem Look-Alike Club will hold its May brunch at Moosewood Restaurant on Saturday, May 10, 1 pm.
Members of the Radioactive Fishermen's Class Action suit against Cornell for dumping plutonium- contaminated waste in Cayuga Lake will meet at the offices of Legal Beavers of Ithaca, Inc. at 11:30 AM Tuesday, May 7.
A rosary service will be held next Sunday at 7:00 am for Our Lady of Buttermilk Falls at the grotto. If you plan to drive, remember that parking is $6.00 per vehicle at the park.
CLASSIFIEDS
Business for sale. Established tavern in highly visible location. Call Joe 277-xxxx or stop in after 7 pm at the Chanticleer.
Jobs!Jobs!Jobs! Send Spam from your home computer. Earn $100 a day. Contact iscentral@hotmail.com.
City parking got you down? Park on our lawn and walk to work. $25 a month. 140 S. Geneva St. Call Alice 277-xxxx.
One Day Only Sale! French berets and risqué postcards at dirt cheap prices/ left overs from the Ithaca French Festival!! Memories that will last a lifetime. There's still time to buy souvenir stale baguettes if you call now. Call Paul Glover 272-xxxx.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:51 PM
|