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Sunday, May 11, 2003
ITHACA SUCKS SUNDAY EDITION
"Your Sunday Morning Reality Check"
Sunday, May 11, 2003
SNOOPS TO OCCUPY LIBRARY
The US Department of Homeland Security announced today that the former library building on Court and Cayuga would become the agency's new regional operations center. Officials for Tompkins County confirmed that the Washington- based superagency had leased all the space in the former library for next 20 years.
A spokesperson for the City of Ithaca told IS that the Homeland Security Dept. had requested and received approval to construct a 75 ft. satellite dish on top of the site. The recent installation of surveillance cameras on the Commons has also been linked to HSD's decision to open an Ithaca branch.
Paul Glover, local activist and perennial whiner, expressed concerns that the civil liberties of area residents would be impacted by the watchdog agency's presence in Ithaca.
"How does the song go? They know when you've been good or bad. And you can be sure they're making a list and checking it twice. I'm thinking Cuba needs a local Green Party. Viva Fidel. Como estas? Donde la bibloteca?"
CU REVELERS SET BLAZES ON CAMPUS
City of Ithaca firefighters responded Friday night to a 12 alarm fire at Cornell University's Olin Library. In what was described by eyewitnesses as an "almost surreal scene," hundreds of student partygoers danced, threw beer cans, and booed as IFD units attempted to bring the blaze under control. Hundreds of library books and pieces of computer equipment could be observed strewn on lawns around the perimeter of the 50 year old campus building. Campus police arrested several unidentified students on charges of disorderly conduct and public indecency, allegedly for 'streaking' in the vicinity of the fire.
"These kids have traditionally been known to get pretty rowdy around end of semester time when classes and exams are over. This year they just went too far." IFD Chief Ralph Cinder, interviewed at the scene, commented.
Arson investigators have begun to look into the causes of the blaze. CU officials could not be reached for comment.
IPD TO GET NEW VEHICLES
In only his first month at the helm of the Ithaca Police Department, Chief Victor Loo has made several serious changes in the direction of modernizing and improving the efficiency of the force. Wednesday night he received approval from Common Council to order two new vehicles for the IPD. The two Bradley Fighting Vehicles, the 'workhorse' of Operation Iraqi Freedom, each costing $1.7 million and weighing 6 tons each, will be acquired on a long term lease from the Chrysler Corporation.
Chief Loo told Council members, "Crime is getting out of hand in Ithaca. The recent bank robbery in the South End proves it. We need tools that will scare the shit out of the bad guys. Otherwise, Ithaca's going to turn into another LA."
Recently, Loo authorized foot patrols on the Commons to carry AK-47's and wear flak jackets.
EGYPTIAN BOLL WEEVILS FOUND IN GREENSTAR BULK BINS
Customers at the Greenstar Cooperative Market have recently reported infestations of exotic flying insects, identified by Cooperative Extensive entomologists as a species of the Egyptian boll weevil. Larvae of the insect have been traced to flour bins at the Fulton St. market, formerly known at the Grain Store when it first started in the '70s.
The Egyptian Boll Weevil is a bright purple colored insect with a white skullcap that resembles the traditional headgear worn by Moslems throughout the world. A voracious consumer of flowering plants, weevils have been reported in Fall Creek, decimating lilac and dogwood trees.
"This is a pretty serious outbreak for North America," CU entomologist, June Bug,told IS. "These insects normally consume 1,000 times their own weight in plant and vegetable matter every single day. We could be looking at a plant Armageddon in Ithaca."
Managers at Greenstar could not be reached for comment.
OTHER WORLD NEWS
Iraqis Flock to OTB
Sharon to Israeli Arabs: Eat Gefilte Fish or Leave Country
France Denies Rumors Saddam Is Hiding in Elysee Palace
Kofi Annan Leaves UN to Head Dairy Council
BUSINESS NEWS
Portrait of an Entrepreneur
His friends call Jim Currant an opportunist. Jim considers himself an 'entrepreneur' in the style of Thomas Edison. In an interview conducted on the busy factory floor of his new Trumansburg face mask factory, Jim told IS, " You know Thomas Edison developed an electric chair. He saw the need and just filled the gap. He actually tried to electrocute an elephant to test his device out. I see myself in the same light. "
Recently, Jim saw newspaper photos of people around the world wearing face masks to protect themselves against the SARS epidemic. Not wasting a second, Jim started doing his homework, conducting market research on the medical supply industry. He found that there are only 5 major companies in the world that produce face masks with elastic bands. That's when Jim jumped into action.
Spotting an empty building on the Trumansburg Road that he thought would be perfect, Jim immediately found the capital to start his factory.
"It wasn't easy in this economy. But the smart money these days is on the spread of more opportunistic viruses so eventually people starting getting on board."
Within weeks, Jim had transformed the old warehouse into a sterile manufacturing environment and hired a round the clock staff to produce face masks. He named the company GermGuard.
"It wasn't hard to find qualified workers. I insist that they all take a test before hiring them. If they don't know who Louis Pasteur was, I don't want them working in my plant. Our employees have to feel a sense of mission, you know, understand the product."
18 wheel trucks have been rolling in and out of Jim's loading docks for weeks now. Sales are soaring as a nervous world braces for new cases of SARS to break out. Jim gets orders from China, Singapore, Malaysia, Vietnam and places as far away as Myranmar.
"We've sold 100,000 masks to China just in the past week," Jim boasts., Irish eyes twinkling as high school and college students working for the summer scurry around him, loading containers of GermGuard face masks on to conveyer belts.
Jim has few hobbies outside of making money and making life unbearable for his staff. His employee turnover rate has been running at 75% for years but it doesn't phase Jim in the least.
"This is Ithaca. You can get a Phd to walk your dog. They're cranking more out all the time right up there on the hill." Jim gestured towards the Cornell campus visible above the tree line.
Being in the right place at the right time. That's always been the key to success in business. Jim Currant can attest to that.
"Maybe we'll get another Flu epidemic like 1917. " Jim rubbed his hands, day dreaming about distant peaks on his sales graph.
ITHACA SUCKS ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE SECTION
Bobby Bubble doesn't allow anyone to touch him or the food he eats. Nonetheless, Bobby is the last person you'd call 'antisocial.' He has a warm, effusive personality that radiates beyond the room he happens to be in. After he's sterilized it completely with an industrial strength disinfectant and rubber gloves.
Bobby is a self-confessed 'germ freak.'
Grinning from his clear plastic helmet, Bobby told IS, "They're all around us. Trillions of them. Everywhere!"
The walls of Bobby's apartment are lined with plastic sheeting and duct tape. Outside of a cot surrounded by mosquito netting and a few photographs of Howard Hughes, the reclusive billionaire, on the wall. Bobby has little furniture. Most of three rooms are filled with large air filters, humming constantly, 24 hours a day. There must have been 20 the day IS visited.
"They're my friends," Bobby explained. "They zap the germs."
Bobby has been a germ-freak for 5 years now. There used to be a time when Bobby was like other Ithacans his age, working odd jobs at the GreenStar, living with 15 other people in two room apartments. One day, Bobby picked up a dog-eared copy of the "Hot Zone" by Robert Preston at Autumn Leaves Bookstore. The book changed his life. He read all about the Ebola virus that killed thousands in the Congo. After that, Bobby was never the same. He began camping out in Buttermilk Falls, boiling his drinking water, wearing disposable gloves and a face mask.
"Wow, I never knew how dangerous my world really was. It's those germs."
Now Bobby grows beans in the backyard for protein, plus organic lettuce that he washes off with spring water that he boils for an hour. Most days, he can be spotted cycling awkwardly over to the Public Library in his cumbersome protective suit that makes him resemble an astronaut. He spends hours studying abstracts of the Journal of the Disease Control Center on microfiche.
IS asked Bobby if he was, in fact. happy, living his rather paranoid, restrictive lifestyle. Bobby smiled, pinged his plastic helmet, and replied radiantly, "I haven't had a cold in five years! That's something to be happy about."
ITHACA SUCKS COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Ithaca Chapter of Survivors of Shiatsu Attacks will meet at the Women's Community Building on May 15, 7pm. Rabies boosters will be free to members.
Sunday, May 18, is National Fossil Fuels Appreciation Day. Ithaca residents who are interested can take a tour of area service stations. Call Randy's Sunoco or the TC Republican Committee for more information.
The Ithaca Zapatista Second Front will meet on the second floor of Autumn Leaves on Wed May 14 at 8 pm to discuss Tactics for the Modern Urban Guerilla. Members are encouraged to wear ski masks and their official Subcommandante Marcos bandoleros.
The Ithaca, NY/\Roswell, NM, Sister Cities Club wishes to include the following announcement: The Alien Craft will be visiting our area at 10 pm on Thursday, May 15. If you wish to go aboard, wear light clothing and bring mosquito repellent. The line forms at the old Community Gardens across from the Sciencenter at 7:30 pm.
CLASSIFIEDS
Give a 5-legged calf a home. Just because we're different doesn't mean we don't deserve love. Call Cornell Agricultural Genetics Lab, 277-xxxx for information.
College Students! Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Exciting careers in restaurant management. Opening 50 new stores in Iraq. Must speak Arabic. KFC International. Call 1-800-227-xxxx.
Divers Needed for Pothole Repair! Call Ithaca DPW - 227-xxxx. Rights of Salvage!
Sales Trainees Needed for New Boutique: Must be able to design clothes, sew, fit customers, run register, stock shelves, manage staff, negotiate overseas labor contracts, talk Mandarin Chinese, unload pallets, do payroll, handle accounts payable, billings, and everything else. $6.00 hr. Call Betsy 272-xxxx.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:29 PM
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