Our technical staff has come up with a way of measuring the 'suck factor' around Ithaca. We feel that the 'laurel/dart' and 'up and down' approach used by our competitors at the Ithaca Journal and the 'Ithaca Times' is too unscientific. So after days and weeks of discussion, brainstorming and toilet-side meditation, we've come up with a better, more accurate system of judging life around Ithaca.
So, without any further adieu, let's unveil the Ithaca Sucks Suck-o-Meter.
OFFICIAL ITHACA SUCKS SUCK-O-METER
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-20%- -30%- -40%- -50%- -60%- -70%- -80%- -90%- -100%
-------------------------------------------------------------- DANGER ZONE
Ok, folks, let's take it out for a test spin. Here are a few preliminary measurements that we get. Remember now, 100% represents total, absolute suck.
Parking in downtown Ithaca 99.99999%
So far, the Suck-o-Meter is functioning like a charm. We're able to calculate now that we have a .2% variance one way or the other, Let's try a few more tests.
Shopping downtown 99.999997%
Pretty accurate, wouldn't you agree?
Eating lunch at Center Ithaca 99.99995%
Frankly, we're very impressed with the results. Should we push our luck?
Cornell University. 107.5%
Ok, that was definitely the litmus test. Those fools on the hill test everybody's limits. Should we go for broke?
Ithaca Weather 187%.
Oops. That just about finished off the old Suck-o-Meter. Let's go for one more to see if the thing is still working.
The Ithaca Festival 99.99999%. Bulls eye. Looks like the Ithaca Sucks Technical Department has every reason to be proud of its success. Ezra hears that they started working on a pocket version. It works just like a geiger counter. A little buzzer goes off when you near suck-down.
Don't forget that the Ithaca Festival is coming up in a couple of weeks. Might want to plan to schedule that trip you've been planning to France that weekend. Don't forget to bring your beret, you know, the one left over from the French Festival! Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:34 AM
