A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

crunching the numbers

Ezra is stepping to the plate to solve Ithaca's 2004 budget shortfall. No, he's not running for Mayor. Well, at least, he hasn't decided yet to throw his beanie into the ring. Who knows, however. Anything is possible in the crazy valley.

For starters:

Mayor for a Day - Plop down $100 and you, too, can be Hiz/Her Honor for a Day: 24 fun packed hours, presiding over empty store fronts, potholes, watering holes, lawsuits, granola heads, potheads. Take bribes, go to lunch with a developer, attend a ribbon cutting at the next big box store to come to Ithaca, supervise construction at a parking garage, let the raw power go to your head. Do the math. 365 times $100. Not bad, eh?

Adopt a Pothole Community organizations can adopt their own favorite seephole, erect a little sign, collect hubcaps. $200 a pothole. The Greater Ithaca Rotary Pothole. The Friends of the Library Pothole. The Knights of Columbus Pothole. There's plenty to go around.

Name a Street Imagine that. You, too, can have a city street named after yourself or, even after your pet, for that matter. Horace T. Griswold Street, Tommy Kowalski Ave. Rover Blvd. The ultimate vanity trip. At $2,500 a pop, it won't be cheap, but it will sure confuse the tourists.

Flea Tax - We spent a year quibbling over the dog ordinance. Now it's time to argue over fleas. Why should those tiny hitchhikers go wherever they want, hopping from pooch to pooch without fiscal restraint? Ok. You want to bring your flea bag downtown? Get ready to have his stowaways taxed.

IQ Tax Hey, we've got 40,000 big brains wobbling around up there on the hills, not paying a single penny in taxes. You can't charge them property tax because they squeeze into all those little apartments, you can't charge them income tax because they live off their parents, you can't levy a school tax because they actually go to one, so....
Charge them an IQ tax.

Meeting Tax - Check out the Community Calendar lately? There must be a hundred meetings a week - the Sharks, the Ithaca Tuna Fish, The Brides of Frankenstein Steering Committee, Rotary, VFW, the Greens, Vegans for Jesus, you name it, they meet every week, most of them over Joe Wetmore's Autumn Leaves big box bookstore. Tax the suckers. More than three people get together for more than 5 minutes, it's not a drug deal, it's a meeting.

Bumper Sticker Tax - Hey, you want to wear your cause on your bumper, ante up. Save the Whales, Stop the War, Go Solar, Free the Curdmudgeons, Pay a Tax. They tax books, they should tax bumpers. Most bumpers in Ithaca read like one of Noam Chomsky's bad dreams.

Recycling Tax - Hey, it's income for 30% of the population around Ithaca. Make them fill out a W2 at the Recycling Center.

Loitering Tax - Hey, the taxpayers paid for the spiffy new street lamps on the Commons. So, if you want to hang out under them, empty your pockets, dudes. If you don't park downtown, you don't shop there, you don't dine, you don't drink, you don't work, then you're considered persona non gratis, an economic terrorist. the deputies will start casing you over, the dawgs will start sniffing your pants legs. So take yourself over to the Assessor's Office in City Hall and pay up. Get a tax stamp. Then buy something, will ya? It'll make us all feel better.

Toll booths on Rt. 13 Hey, tolls paid for the NJ Thruway, didn't they?

License Shopping Carts - You may be able to drive a car but it doesn't mean you should be tearing around Wegman's behind one of those metal lemons without a license. Eye test $25.00, Road test $50, License $75.00.

Ez is just getting warmed up. We'll turn this deficit around in no time. Then we can start issuing tax cuts..
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 11:09 PM