A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

freshmen class

They're rolling into town. In SUV's, Camry's, Jeeps, Lexi, mutant VW's, Greyhounds, minivans, maxivans, Piper Cubs, you name it, they drive or fly it, anything that sucks us gas from the desert.

They're the Class of 2007. The Freshmen Class.

Some interesting statistics emerge as this new generation of American princes and princesses begin the annual spawn to the shores of old Cayuga.

5% of freshmen have actually had dreams featuring ATM machines.

82% have had pan fried pizza in the last 6 months.

98.8% own cell phones.

98.8% own credit cards.

22% of the women are named Alice.

43.5% of the men are named Todd.

99.5% have read the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

99.9% were born during the presidential administration of Ronald Reagan, the greatest contraction of public generosity since Herbert Hoover described people selling apples out on the street during the Great Depression as "self-employed entrepreneurs." Presidents with same letter initials have historically tended to be misers.

100% have bought products produced in overseas sweatshops.

0% have worked in sweatshops.

23% of freshmen have had some form of sex in a Chrysler product.

97.5% currently use a product made by Microsoft.

In a survey, 37% of freshmen name Bill Gates as the greatest living American. 5% nominated Bart Simpson. 2% nominated Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

99.9% regularly eat products that have been genetically modified, producing moodswings, unusual growth spurts, abrupt hormonal changes, possible long term genetic damage.

.1% believe that they were abducted by aliens.

.4% will open a restaurant in Ithaca within the next 10 years.

.2% state as their life objective that they want to change the world.

38% state as their life objective that they want to be richer than Bill Gates.

38% express the desire to have fun and be happy as their life's goal.

10% left that question blank.

9% of freshmen will settle down as veterinarians someplace in New Jersey, name their son Todd and their daughter Alice, eventually sending them to Cornell, decked out with credit card, cell phone, a Jeep with a roll over bar, where one day they will walk down the Commons and wonder why so many storefronts are empty.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:54 AM