A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
alternative dystopia

Imagine if you will that Paul Glover, Ithaca's own anarcho-syndicated Stalinist had been elected mayor. This may not be as easy to do as it seems, considering that Paul won only 488 votes in the actual election, but look, this is Ithaca and we're all bored loco, high as a kite on turf builder, seeking some kind of imaginative dispensation from Gywneth Paltrow films amd the anticipation of spending the next 4 weeks in shopping malls and big box emporiums. Give it a try, Ez says.

It's January 25, 2005 and Paul has been in office for just over a year, In more ways than one , he's completely taken over City Hall, having moved in with his bicycle, sleeping bag and yoga mat to occupy the top floor. The last Common Council meeting lasted 120 hours straight. Most of the Democrats and token Republicans on the Council have finally drifted out of office, either moving out of Ithaca entirely or having taken a leave of absence from their careers to spend more time in therapy. Discussing the minutae of bike path routes for endless hours takes a fearsome toll on the human psyche. Paul has packed the empty council chamber with a band of loyalists, many of whom who have never driven a car or stepped foot in any other store outside of Greenstar for the last 25 years. The salvation army look is now in for committee meetings. Actually, the Salvation Army is now the only big box store left standing in Ithaca. outside of Greenstar. Target, Home Depot, the Big K, Barnes & Noble, and a whole list of other retail chains including Arby's have moved out of the area, leaving the hulks of empty 100,000 sq. ft. stores standing like deserted megaliths along the Elmira Road plain.

The event that signalled their departure was Paul's automobile ban, signed into law after a 196 hour marathon session of Common Council back in August, 2004. No gas combustion vehicles are now allowed within city limits. No single event in Ithaca's 300 yr history set off more of a ripple effect than the car ban.

You can only describe the scene in Ithaca following this momentous piece of legislation as ugly. City residents at first didn't want to give up their cars. Many businessmen were reluctant to pick up their UPS packages and deliveries at the edge of town and drag them downtown, using teams of stock clerks with bright orange colored two wheeled dollies, eventually horse-drawn wagons
and dog sleds.

At first, there were massive demonstrations that resembled the Volvo Ballet in the Ithaca Festival parade. Except these drivers were pissed and didn't mind if they took out more than a few road barriers in their path. Once the permanent concrete stagalites were installed along city streets, the resistance to the car ban took on more of a determined Middle Eastern flavor with kamkaze motorcyclists and suicidal riding mowers. More than a few Molotov cocktails were thrown at City Hall, giving the red brick facade a scorched, burnt out look.

To be continued.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:11 AM

 
ithaca sucks undy media center

welkom to the ithaka undy media center, an open to my cronies publishing forum powered by boa constrictor, tonka toys and the enlightened hackeysackers of Ithaca. Anybody can publish to this sitcom but me, arkangel, may hide your post, chuck it in the ole waste baskit or you know what with it if you disagree with my pseuo-progressive point of view.

Newswire

bush gets xmas card from saddam hussein by arse32@cornell.edu

You liberals think that we invaded iraq to grab all the oil and line the pockets of the president's fatcat contractor buddies. What a crock of shit! Oops, inappropriate language. Arkangel may hide my post. We sent 250,000 troops over to Iraq to steal the solid 14 carat gold bathroom fixtures from Saddam's presidential palaces. The truth is finally out! Saddam Hussein is living in Texas along with Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, the Shah of Iran and Josef Stalin. Because evil never dies and one day it will take over the whole world.

Reply to article:

Arse32 is really Joe Sabia in drag by Anonymous

Don't listen to a word he tells you. Arse32 is really a patsy for the neocons up at Cornell.

This website sucks by JoeSabia@cornell.edu

It's not true. Arse32@cornell.edu doesn't even go to Cornell. He sneaks into the library to use the internet connection there. And Arkangel still can't spell. IthacaSucks Undy Media is a fraud perpetrated by commie hackeysackers who want to trample on everything that is sacred, get free food at the soup kitchen and never wash under their armpits. Take that, you liberal swine.

Cop Watch

Police Chief Loo Doesn't Wash His Hands After He Uses the Loo by Anonymous

It's true. I watched him.


Editorial

Why you should shop at 10,000 Villages this Christmas by chriskringle@10000villages.com

You hear a lot of negative stuff about globalization these days. How workers in the developing world are exploited, how corporations are wasting the environment in cashpoor countries like Vietnam. (As if all B52's and all that napalm didn't already do the trick.) Well, it's not true that all globalization is bad. The staff at 10,000 Villages right on the Ithaca Commons is prepared to prove to you this holiday season that you can consume poorly crafted products from the 3rd and even the 4th world and still have a social conscience. For instance, we have rhinoceros skin toilet seats made by the happy villagers in East Africa on sale for only $179.50 that will make any progressive bathroom look more contemporary. And bedroom slippers made from kalula bear fur all the way from China produced by contented internees in a government relocation center. Many of the happy workers at this center are political activists too and took part in the demonstrations in Tinanmen Square. Find out what 10,000 Villages is doing to help these global workers become more self-sustaining. Take part in our annual can drive and send a nonperishable gift that can enjoyed around the campfire. Those Chinese internees love Beefaroni! Have a conscience and shop at 10.000 Villages this holiday!

Reply

???????? by anonymous

Hey, what the f---k? This isn't an editorial!

So what by arkangel@undymediacenter.org

Who cares? They give us a discount.

Community Calendar

Hacysackers Annual Thanksgiving dinner at Loaves& Fishes Soup Kitchen Friday, Nov 20.

Anarcho-Feminist Marxist-Leninist Zapatista Senior Potluck Dinner at Moosewood Restaurant, Thursday Nov 19. We'll be serving veggie bacon burgers!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:25 AM

 
Dewey Wins in Landslide

Oops. Wrong headline. We're experiencing technical difficulties. No, we're not. We're just stupid. Once again, however, the Ithaca Sucks newsroom is ahead of the curve, scooping all the others news channels with instant election results. It's 6 am on a cold, overcast, gloomy,depressing, typical, potentially rainy, average, lousy Election day and no one has voted yet, no one has actually gotten out of bed yet except the people who make the grease at the State Street Diner but Ithaca Sucks is predicting a winner in the City of ithaca mayoral race. Hold on to your greying pony tails, progressives, it's not a revolution, it's not a surprise, it's not even a race. It's politics as usual.

Ithaca Sucks is predicting that Carolyn or is that Caroline Peterson will be the winner with 13 votes. That's 13 votes total, if you're in doubt, readers. Yes, in a stunning political reversal, she's managed to garner all the Green Party votes in Ithaca as well as 5 crossover Republican votes. Beau Saul will come in second with 5 votes due to a strong showing from inmates at the City Jail who, it is reliably reported, were treated to an early Thanksgiving Day 5 course dinner and an escorted tour of the adult bookstore on State St late Monday evening. It will come as no surprise to most ithacans that our own radical benchwarmer and Green Party founder, Paul Glover, was only able to muster 2 votes. Sources indicate that both third party votes resulted from an encounter at the Greyhound Bus Station during which Mr. Glover handed over thousands of Ithaca Hours to two rather unkempt strangers with phony voter registration cards. One report indicates that the two unlikely third party voters may have been on their way to Buffalo at the time.

According to our crack team of IS reporters posted throughout the city. the rest of Ithaca's eligible voters decided not to vote this year in order to take advantage of a two day sale at Home Depot.


Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:53 AM