A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
alternative dystopia

Imagine if you will that Paul Glover, Ithaca's own anarcho-syndicated Stalinist had been elected mayor. This may not be as easy to do as it seems, considering that Paul won only 488 votes in the actual election, but look, this is Ithaca and we're all bored loco, high as a kite on turf builder, seeking some kind of imaginative dispensation from Gywneth Paltrow films amd the anticipation of spending the next 4 weeks in shopping malls and big box emporiums. Give it a try, Ez says.

It's January 25, 2005 and Paul has been in office for just over a year, In more ways than one , he's completely taken over City Hall, having moved in with his bicycle, sleeping bag and yoga mat to occupy the top floor. The last Common Council meeting lasted 120 hours straight. Most of the Democrats and token Republicans on the Council have finally drifted out of office, either moving out of Ithaca entirely or having taken a leave of absence from their careers to spend more time in therapy. Discussing the minutae of bike path routes for endless hours takes a fearsome toll on the human psyche. Paul has packed the empty council chamber with a band of loyalists, many of whom who have never driven a car or stepped foot in any other store outside of Greenstar for the last 25 years. The salvation army look is now in for committee meetings. Actually, the Salvation Army is now the only big box store left standing in Ithaca. outside of Greenstar. Target, Home Depot, the Big K, Barnes & Noble, and a whole list of other retail chains including Arby's have moved out of the area, leaving the hulks of empty 100,000 sq. ft. stores standing like deserted megaliths along the Elmira Road plain.

The event that signalled their departure was Paul's automobile ban, signed into law after a 196 hour marathon session of Common Council back in August, 2004. No gas combustion vehicles are now allowed within city limits. No single event in Ithaca's 300 yr history set off more of a ripple effect than the car ban.

You can only describe the scene in Ithaca following this momentous piece of legislation as ugly. City residents at first didn't want to give up their cars. Many businessmen were reluctant to pick up their UPS packages and deliveries at the edge of town and drag them downtown, using teams of stock clerks with bright orange colored two wheeled dollies, eventually horse-drawn wagons
and dog sleds.

At first, there were massive demonstrations that resembled the Volvo Ballet in the Ithaca Festival parade. Except these drivers were pissed and didn't mind if they took out more than a few road barriers in their path. Once the permanent concrete stagalites were installed along city streets, the resistance to the car ban took on more of a determined Middle Eastern flavor with kamkaze motorcyclists and suicidal riding mowers. More than a few Molotov cocktails were thrown at City Hall, giving the red brick facade a scorched, burnt out look.

To be continued.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:11 AM