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Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Dewey Wins in Landslide
Oops. Wrong headline. We're experiencing technical difficulties. No, we're not. We're just stupid. Once again, however, the Ithaca Sucks newsroom is ahead of the curve, scooping all the others news channels with instant election results. It's 6 am on a cold, overcast, gloomy,depressing, typical, potentially rainy, average, lousy Election day and no one has voted yet, no one has actually gotten out of bed yet except the people who make the grease at the State Street Diner but Ithaca Sucks is predicting a winner in the City of ithaca mayoral race. Hold on to your greying pony tails, progressives, it's not a revolution, it's not a surprise, it's not even a race. It's politics as usual.
Ithaca Sucks is predicting that Carolyn or is that Caroline Peterson will be the winner with 13 votes. That's 13 votes total, if you're in doubt, readers. Yes, in a stunning political reversal, she's managed to garner all the Green Party votes in Ithaca as well as 5 crossover Republican votes. Beau Saul will come in second with 5 votes due to a strong showing from inmates at the City Jail who, it is reliably reported, were treated to an early Thanksgiving Day 5 course dinner and an escorted tour of the adult bookstore on State St late Monday evening. It will come as no surprise to most ithacans that our own radical benchwarmer and Green Party founder, Paul Glover, was only able to muster 2 votes. Sources indicate that both third party votes resulted from an encounter at the Greyhound Bus Station during which Mr. Glover handed over thousands of Ithaca Hours to two rather unkempt strangers with phony voter registration cards. One report indicates that the two unlikely third party voters may have been on their way to Buffalo at the time.
According to our crack team of IS reporters posted throughout the city. the rest of Ithaca's eligible voters decided not to vote this year in order to take advantage of a two day sale at Home Depot.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:53 AM
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