A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
The Ithaca Sucks Holiday Catalogue

FAQ

Will my gift arrive in time for the holiday?
Definitely not. If you live in Groton or Newfield, your gift will most likely arrive around Easter. Consider giving the one you love an assortment of Ithaca Sucks chocolate ground hogs.

Can I use PayPal?
No, Ithaca Sucks only accepts Ithaca Hours .

Do you have a website?
Glad you mentioned it. Log on to www.ithacasucks.com

Do you test your products on animals?
As a matter of fact, all of our products are tested first on unsuspecting human subjects who think they are attending a potluck dinner to raise funds to send
Paul Glover to Iraq permanently.

Recently I bought an Ithaca Sucks Magic Tofu Squeezer from your catalog. When I tried it for the first time, it reduced my block of tofu to a fine powder like substance. What should I do?
Add water.

Contact Us

Don't bother. This webpage is operated from a remote site in Hunan Province in China.

Without further adieu, our Winter Holiday Catalogue

Ithaca Sucks Magic 108ft Bungee Cord $125 Ithaca is Gorges, right? They're not only nice to look at. Now you can have fun leaping off the Stewart Ave bridge and impress your friends and the Ithaca Police with your derring do. Want to get back at an someone who's broken your heart? Tell her you'll meet her at the bridge at a given time, show up wearing the IS Magic 108 ft bungee Cord under your coat. Give her one last tearful hug, then plunge to what she will assume is your undeserved fate. Surprise! Then, after you make bail, have a romantic dinner for two at the ABC Cafe.

Small print disclaimer: The Ithaca Falls is only 92.5 ft high.

The Wit and Wisdom of Paul Glover $18.95 Learn the political secrets of Ithaca's legendary community activist. Paul tells how he managed to garner only 488 votes in the last mayoral election after living in Ithaca, the most progessive city in the US for 25 years. Learn how to make a fortune peddling play money and be nominated as a potential candidate for President of the United States.

The Best of the 60's Video Collection $275.00 From the Cornell 10 takeover of Carpenter Hall to the New Age Bubble, it's all here in this 12 volume video record of the tumultous 60's. See intimate cameos of Mollie Katzen using Hamburger Helper to make those delicious tofu dishes back in the early days of Moosewood Cafe. Actual footage of hippie orgies. Never before seen film clips of Paul Glover as a young, struggling anarchist trying to pick up college chicks. Catch the excitement as the Greenstar founders sell their first bag of organic macademia nuts. Find out how Ithaca became the whacked out place that it is today.

Rogaine for Activists $19.95 Is your pony tail receding? Let's face it, even progressives start to lose their hair eventually. It's an embarrassing fact of life in the real world and, even though Ithacans spend 99.9% of their time denying it, this is the real world. Now you can have the same head of hair you had when you rocked the boat back in the 60's.

Authentic Shinto Altarpiece from Quanan Province $18,995. Ok, you started out collecting plastic Buddha statues in the 60's. But, now you've accumulated a little nestegg selling bagels and lattes to yuppie college students, dabbled with a psychotherapy practice and a Reiki studio, moved up to real estate. You're comfortable with who you are, an aging pseudo-progressive with a geying ponytail who drives a BMW and wears $1200 hand-stitched sandals. It's time you started collecting authentic Asian treasures to decorate your modest $3.5 million nest in Cayuga Heights. Now you can own a one of kind solid gold Shinto shrine pilfered from a temple deep in the backwaters of China. Comes with 6 replacement bulbs.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:08 AM