A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Jinglemeister

Ever think about working from home? Seriously, have you? Wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to hand over $15 a day to the City of Ithaca to park at the Seneca Street garage? Where does all that money go anyway? To pay Ithaca's share of the bill for Homeland Security? Do you really think there's really an Al-Qaeda cell operating in Tompkins County? Or does it go to buy those shiny new police hot rods that look so sharp parked outside of Mr. Donut, collecting slush? If you worked out of your home, you wouldn't have to walk the 15 blocks in 10 below weather to take advantage of the free parking in Fall Creek? You'd never have to bob and weave along nasty, potholed streets, dodging craters the size of Luxewmborg and SUV's that look more outrageously futuristic with each model year, driven by Cornell students on their way to their morning Genetic Engineering 101 classes. There you are, driving down Ithaca's State Street hill behind a fiberglass replica of a Buck Roger's raygun, being steered by someone who's learning to how to genetically engineer a cow who actually enjoys the taste of fiberglass and might one day with a few design modifications actually resemble an SUV. Hey, wouldn't you rather work from home?

The guy who lives next to Ez works at home. Rumor is that he writes for the PennySaver. What the fuck is that all about? Does he actually compose the chain saw ads? Ez really isn't sure what the deal is there since no one talks to their neighbors in upstate New York - at least not for the first 20 years. After 20 years living next to someone, you can be pretty sure that they don't belong to an Al-Quaeda cell. At least you haven't seen any FBI surveillance vehicles parked outside and haven't seen anyone wearing what resembles a towel on their heads, sporting a beard and toting an AK47, coming and going all those years. Ez's neighbor has an SUV parked outside so he must make pretty good money writing for the PennsSaver.

Ez just had to take a call from a telemarketer. "Hello, is Mr. Or Mrs. Kidder home?" Slam. That could be one of the drawbacks working from home. You'd spend all day fielding calls from idiots who couldn't find a better job than selling vacations to Loch Ness. Maybe they're working from home too. Ez read an article once that reported that the folks who send all those millions of Viagra and organ enhancing offers work out of mobile homes in Florida. What's that like?

Well, Ez has been looking into this cottage industry angle for some time now. He just hasn't found anything he could possibly do from his home except drink beer and watch tv. It's not like he has any marketable skills otuside of working for SATAN. Yeah, if you've been poking around in the Ithaca Sucks archives, you'd know that Satan is Ez's boss. Ez can't tell you the date of that particular blog because all blogs just sort of swosh together in one vitreous pool of unhappy consciousness.

Anyway, Ez doesn't have any computer skills outside of using the lookups at the Library. He can't edit worth a bean as you can probably tell. Doing any research beyond typing a few words into the Google Search Engine is unthinkable. No, telemarketing is simply out of the question. So what is Ez to do?

Well, Ez is convinced that he does have a certain way with words. Well, don't you think? Come on now, tell the truth! Don't take that away from him! Please!

So, couldn't Ez write advertising copy for local business. You know, jingles.

Remember the Golden Age of the Jingle? "Winston tastes good, like a cigarette should."

"Double you flavor, double your fun."

"Nestles makes the very best ......Chocolate."

If you're over 30, you've got at least a couple of jingles tucked away in your subconscious. Jingles used to sell products. You'd be walking down the supermarket aises, passing the cocoa mixes and suddenly you'd find yourself humming "Nestles makes....."

What ever happened to the advertising jingle? Television. Everything is visual now. A nubile Britney Spears bobbing in a centrifugal frenzy as the image of a Coke can oscllates on the screen. That's what passes for advertising these days. Some things are gained, some things are lost. But,as the guy from the Fuciello Auto Mall can attest, words still have magic. HUGEEEEEEEEEE!

If you don't watch tv, don't have any interest in deconstructing pop culture, or are too snooty to admit it, if you're not over 30, don't have a clue what Ez is talking about, this would be a good time to pop in a video game.

So, Ez is launching a new business. From the comfort of home. Creating cutting edge jingles for local area businesses.

He's really excited. Hot to trot. Here he goes.

"10,000 Villages, we don't plunder,
the treasures from down under."

Not bad, eh?

Autumn Leaves
"buy a ticket for a rally,
buy a book for your aunt Sally,
she won't notice it's not new,
She's got a radical point of view."

Ok. That's stretching it. This isn't as easy as it looks.

Salvation Army

"It's not only a place for the poor,
At the Army you get so much more"

or

"Stop in and find the perfect bowl,
You'll be helping to save a soul."

Or for a local watering hole.

"Come in and enjoy a beer,
at the lovely downtown Chanticleer."

12 Tribes/Mate Factor

"Where Jesus saves and Moses bakes,
you can get the finest cakes,
If you happen to be a fairy,
Just walk on past the Home Dairy."

Time for a nap. The best thing about working at home.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:33 PM