A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Primary

The New Hampshire primary is tomorrow. Ez has his concession speech prepared.

Wait a minute. What's going on here, you ask? When did Ez announce that he was running for President in the first place? How can he throw in the towel for a race he's never entered?

Well, you're right. Nonetheless, Ez appears to be the undisclosed loser of the New Hampshire primary. He has a whopping sum of $42.35 in his checking account so he can't even afford to buy a bus ticket to New Hampshire let alone run in the primary against fat cat millionaires the likes of John Kerry, John Edwards or Howard Dean.

Ez concedes that, even though he is bored to death of politics, voted once in 30 years (not including the time he wrote his stuffed mouse in on the ballot) , is technically an anarchist, he is insanely jealous of guys who write political blogs and get 45,000 hits. Ez concedes that he has failed miserably to alter public opinion one iota about the inherent rottenness of the American political system and is ready to rush into the breach. So here's Ez's political blog.

Did you ever consider how much voter turnout would improve if everyone voted on Super Bowl Sunday? Yeah. Right after the Superbowl and Survivor Superstars when 50 million American homes are lit up by the flickering shadows of their tv sets. This is how it works. Right after the last raw lizard was consumed and the torches were lit on Survivor, your tv screen would go blank. As a giant American flag appeared on the screen, everyone would reach for their remote and flip to the channel paid for by the candidate of their choice. This totally simple and uncomplicated democratic process, practiced by millions of Americans every night, would constitute voting. The candidate with the largest market share for that particular hour would become President of the United States with the runner-up selected as vice president. The inauguration would follow Raymond the very next evening.

No more confusing ballots. No more hanging chads. No more Supreme Court decisions. Channel surfing is as American as Taco Bell. It's so fucking simple why didn't Congress think of it?

Ez is just trying to be helpful, you know. If you're thinking about reaching for the phone and calling Homeland Security, settle down. Don't take things so seriously

Incidentally, Ez has been storing up some other insightful observations about the presidential race.

What the country really needs is a ticket of national reconciliation to heal the wounds of Iraq, 9/11 , not to mention 228 years of inequity, racial and social division, plus other growing pains America has experienced. Ez proposes that Al Sharpeton team up with Joe Lieberman to bring African Americans and Jews together. Can you see it now? Blacks and Jews finally brought into the political maoistream after 200 years of exclusion. Tell me that Ez isn't thinking outside of the box?

Why would voting for John Kerry not be such a good idea? This goes out to all the conspiracy buffs around the country. Consider that Kerry is married to Theresa Heinz, the catsup heiress, who was formerly married to Senator John Heinz who died in office. Do we have a black widow here? Both named John, both politically prominent? Ok. Anyone who's watched the Xfiles doesn't need the smoking man to appear to be able to sniff out a conspiracy.

Why would voting for Howard Dean not be such a good idea? Have you ever waited 2 hours in a doctor's office only to have your physican listen to a list of your symptoms, check you out perfunctorily, then recommend a dozen or more expensive tests designed to promote the financial well being of the radiological and blood serum communities? What's with all the tests? You need a person at the helm of the most successful democracy in history who's decisive, able to act in a heartbeat to save America from its growing list of enemies. Not someone who's going to recommend a test and keep the nation waiting two hours. Think about it.

Let's face it. America has always been a nation that's turned to the legal profession for leadership. Sure, occasionally we've picked a peanut farmer, an actor or two. But usually we've stuck with lawyers. If we suddenly decide to switch in midstream and elect a doctor, who's to say that next we won't elect a shrink?

America doesn't need any more couch time. We're already a nation of couch potatoes.

Oh, by the way, tell your friends about ithacasucks.blogspot.com. It's your democratic duty.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 10:02 AM