A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
her honor

Ez has some free advice for Ithaca's first woman mayor as she begins her second month in office. Free, because no one is stupid or politically suicidal enough to hire Ez as a paid political advisor - the equivalent of hiring the Taliban to run security for the Super Bowl. Maybe Ez should volunteer his services to the Howard Dean campaign The media is now writing poor Howard off after he's spent $40 million of someone else's money to collect how many delegates?? At this point, he's running neck to neck with Al Sharpeton and Dennis Kucinich and they've been carpooling in a big blue Baptist van with "Jesus Saves" stencilled on the side, eating at Subway's along the campaign route. Al saves a lot of money on sit down meals because, even though it's 2004, a black man still can't get served at Denny's. Together Al and Dennis have spent around $175.00 including pocket comb replacements. On to Wisconsin.

Carolyn Peterson has so far avoided some of the pitfalls of the previous administration. She hasn't tried to shut down any African American businesses downtown and she hasn't been caught living in the basement apartment of a waterfront saloon owner trying to get a zoning waiver from the city. She's spent all her time in meetings - the one thing Carolyn really excels at. She was elected because she has more experience at meetings than all the other candidates.

Incidentally, this blog is pure filler, absolute fluff, intellectual dandruff, mental hamburger helper because Ez is experiencing temporary writer's block. It's hard to bounce off things when there's nothing to bounce off of. How does the ithaca urinal do it? Can you imagine filling a whole newspaper 6 days a week in a place like ithaca? A couple of days ago they scraped rock bottom with a feature on the local pizza industry. A reporter even accompanied a couple of clueless pizza delivery guys up to collegetown on their appointed Super Bowl rounds. We only delivered 4 pizzas, dude. What the fuck is going on? What's next? A day in the life of a UPS driver?

So, look, Carolyn. Here's a couple of do and do not's to chomp on, call it meddling, call it sage advice, call it whatever you will but know that, despite your strong authoritarian bent and otherwise nasty disposition, there are people out there who want you to succeed despite yourself.

So, first - avoid ribbon cuttings at establishments run by cults that depend on child labor. Your appearance at the Mate Factor's gala opening will come back to haunt you when the first teenager from a nice Cayuga Heights family with money gets brainwashed, changes his name to Moses and goes to work, busing tables at Home Dairy.

Second, avoid getting your picture taken with Syracuse gangsters qua contractors like Cimminelli. One day, the hotel he's building downtown may collapse because he cut too many corners with the concrete. Or people may get tired of gorges and start jumping off the roof. Anyway, you don't look so great in a construction hard hat or holding a shovel, for that matter. It would help at least if you turn the shovel around.

Three, this no politiican left behind thing of yours is a little bit too clubby. You hired Marty Luster to work part-time for $40,000 a year but you didn't bother to throw a crumb Beau Saul's way. You trounced the poor guy thoroughly in the election but he is still a police lieutenant and you may find a ticket on your car every time you try to park in Ithaca.

Finally, it would help if you were seen downtown once and a while. Buying something. You know, a bong pipe or second hand blouse or what have you. Maybe you're afraid you'll slip on the ice left over from the last storm. Well, it's probably a safer bet to shop at the Mall. You'll run into more Ithaca voters, won't get a parking ticket, and don't need ice skates to get around.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:43 AM