A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Ithaca Sucks The Board Game

What people are saying about Ithaca's new board game -

"Finally there's something more exciting than shopping on the Commons. "
Ali Ali Kahn, Father of the Pakistani Atomic Bomb

"A game the whole family can play! Even dysfunctional families like ours" Michael Jackson, entertainer and alleged child molester.

"Recommended by 6 out of 8 acupuncturists and Reiki instructors! " Suhill Karma Smith, Holistic Healer

Are you ready to play? Put on your best game face, a Dennis Kucinich button, grab a fistful of Ecstasy cigarettes, some organic potato chips and a liter of bottled water and let's play Ithaca Sucks.

Imagine this! You've picked the blue Volvo as your game piece. Now you're at Start, itching to roll the dice and begin your personal adventure through the byways and crawl spaces of I -town. You roll a double 3 and land on the Seneca St. Parking garage. Oops! You have to shell out $15 to park. Tough luck. Try again.

You roll again, this time a 4 and a 6. Now you're moving! You land on See-Spot Gallery on the Commons and have to pick a card. You're informed that you're a struggling Gen-Y artist, living in a roach infested apartment with 17 other struggling Gen-T artists. The apartment is owned by Jason Fane who owns hundreds of other roach infested apartments rented by struggling Gen-Y artists and dishwashers. Before you can play again, you have to produce artwork priced under $15.00 that appeals to welfare recipients and other Gen-Y artists. Hey, that's life! Not fazed in the slightest, you start doodling furiously, trying to reproduce a sunrise in Hell on the back of a Nine's poster.

Ready to play again, you roll a 3 and a 2, which lands you in Parking Court. Ouch! You have to fork out $4,500 to pay for all your old parking tickets going back to 1972. What the fuck! You elect to do Community Service for a year, hosing down the sidewalks in front of Simeon's where all the college students practice precision puking after loading up on Captain Myer's and coke.

When you roll again, you shoot a pair of 5's and zig-zag around the board until you land on - no, not the Mate Factor. Anything but the Mate Factor! The little pink card reads, " You've been indoctrinated into a cult started by an Arkansas con artist who, incidentally, is not Bill Clinton. You have to let your hair grow, sleep on the hardwood floor of a racket ball court and work 15 hours a day at one of the cult's restaurants, busing tables and squeezing limes. At night, you have to copy passages from Jeremiah on to place mat settings.

Finally, you roll a 7, lucky 7. Whow. You've just won $75,000 in Ithaca Hours. Your luck has finally turned. Then you figure out that absolutely no business in Ithaca accepts more than $5.00 in Ithaca Hours for any given purchase. You can buy 15,000 tofu salads at Greenstar on 15,000 separate occasions or you can use your funny money to patch the holes in your car's upholstery.

Having fun yet?

Learn how you can help Ez design this exciting new entry in the world of board games. E-mail him now with your ideas and suggestions. He's getting lonely!

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:12 AM