A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
Mars on Earth

What do you think about all this Mars crap? Do you really care a gnat's ass that NASA sent two, not one, we're talking two mega-million dollar probes to the red planet? Are we talking redundancy here or we talking sex? Is NASA planning an eventual linkup? Will Rover find Opportunity, will they wag mechanical tails in recognition, sniff each other's after burners, fall in love? Machine sex has long been on the drawing board, the Mount Everest of cybernetics, ever since scientists first slapped a mechanical arm together with a DieHard battery. That's why robots have male and female parts, dummy.

Really now, can you explain why a president who has shown no interest to date in advancing science, beyond accelerating the process of global warming, embraced this bizarre dream of landing a man on Mars? To divert attention from a $400 billion budget deficit? To draw attention away from the spiraling body count in Iraq? Or to steal the Dem's thunder during primary season? (After all, it was a big hair Democrat who kicked off the US space program in the first place, got Americans excited about moon rockets and re-entry vehicles.)

Hell, there's no oil on Mars, is there?

Our very own Cornell scientists are puffing their chests, basking in the media attention over their part in the Mars mania. Go Cornell. We're not just ag tech, you know. Hey, why would folks living in one of the most inhospitable spots on this planet want to explore a place as forbidding as Mars? They could just walk out their door and find more ice than you could possibly ever find on Pluto or Uranus or wherever you'd travel in the universe, more forlorn, desolate, lunar-looking landscapes, more space cadets per square foot, more people living under rocks, more alien intelligences than you could pack into a Stephen Spielberg film. After all, Carl Sagan probably got the idea for Contact in Ithaca, Rod Serling moved here to embrace the weirdness of it all. Planet Ithaca.

So what is Rover supposed to be doing on Mars? Looking for water on the Red Planet, right? First, Cornell scientists figure out how to suck Cayuga Lake up to campus in a giant straw, now they're looking for even more H2O. What gives?

If you really stop to think about it., this Mars thing has potentially deep psychological overtones. Buried somewhere in the American subconscious is a profound fear, a deep-seated mistrust of the Red Planet. How many times in books and movies has America been invaded by little silly putty-shaped , green men from Mars? First, they landed in New Jersey back in the 30's. Then, in Mars Attacks, they had the audacity to zap the President and First Lady.

Hey, not to worry. George Bush believes in pre-emptive strikes. He'll fix their sorry butts, America. Maybe Osama bin Ladin's been hanging in a cave on Mars. They got Al-Quaeda, WMD, Martian fundamentalists, little green men who look like Saddam Hussein, the whole works. Now you know why George sees Red. Charge!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:37 AM