state of the blog addressGood morning, lunatics and amnesiacs --- or is that insomniacs? It’s five am in the morning in our fair gulag. Ezra is here this morning to deliver the state of the blog report. That’s right. The prez gets a chance to gloss over all the fucking mistakes he made in the past year. Governors, mayors, salad bar attendants -- right down the line repeat the process. Yes, we lowered taxes this year but spent $40 billion to remodel the White Ranch to make it impervious to terrorist attack. We reformed social security by kicking everyone who made less than $1.7 million a year out of the program.
Mayor Carolyn Peterson informs Ithacans about the great strides she’s made in bringing a Playboy Club to town. Yep, right there in the new Ithaca Hilton that’s going up across from Mugger’s alley. (More muggings take place in the Seneca street parking garage than anywhere else in Ithaca.) Yep, Ithaca needs more porn, soft core or otherwise. In the next five years we will have a 58% increase in adult bookstores, massage parlors, strip joints and pick up bars. Sex is the ultimate revenue enhancer for cities facing severe budget crunches. Oh, by the way, we’re getting a new army base.
So, Ezra wants to talk about the state of ithacasucks. You guessed it-- Ithaca sucks 120% more than it did last year, 280% more than it did in 2003 and 765% more than it sucked in 2002. We’re having a banner year for suckdom and Ez has pie charts and graphs to prove it. The only problem is that Ez has been denied access by dint of sheer stupidity to that part of his computer that spits out those graphics. So, just imagine, fuckers! It sucks!
Ez has cranked out over 120 blogs since Ithaca Sucks was launched two years ago. That comes out to something like 165 wasted hours, hunched over a keyboard with cigarette ashes piling up in the cracks between the keys, to produce a blog that no one reads. Well, actually Ezra did get emails from three people in the course of two years of blogging. One was from a guy who demanded more attacks on the VFW. The other was a guy who felt the blog was too violent. Finally, Ezra received an email from a girl named Amanda who had googled the word Permaculture and came up with Ez’s piece on nouveau- hippie culture in Trumansburg. You remember that blog, don’t you? Ez talked about how latte was the biggest cash crop over in Rongo-land. Remember?
Anyway, Ezra replied diplomatically to Amanda that, by the time she was Ez’s age, she’d be living in a gated community somewhere, growing organic butternut squash that cost $459 a seed, with robodogs and child soldiers from the Congo patrolling the compound to keep out the riffraff. So much for permaculture. Serves Amanda right for surfing sites with the word ‘sucks’ in the address. Lousy elitists.
Two years ago Ezra launched Ithacasucks with the idea of attracting a large, hip, college educated audience. He dreamed of a website with enough bells and bangles, links and pop-ups, cookies and drop downs to rival anything MSN could throw at him. Ez also fantasized about shipping ithacasucks merchandise everywhere in the world. Ithacasucks mugs, ithacasucks microwave magnets, ithacasucks banana peelers, ithacasucks cat sweaters. – you name it. All made by sweatshop labor somewhere in Freeville. Ez imagined driving to his office in the ithacasucks building in a Mercedes, having a 75 ft yacht in the marina christened the Ithaca Sucks, flying out of Ithaca airport in a Lear jet with large red letters on the side, Sucker. Just like that guy Branson who cheekily named his company Virgin. Ez wanted to be a blog billionaire.
Well, all of Ezra’s dreams came to naught. Ithaca Sucks is a dot.com bust, a cyber-flop, a media minnow. Sure, you can google ithacasucks and find Ezra’s blogs. But you can also google ‘cat shit’ and come up with a lot more entries. Nobody came to Ez’s rescue and spruced up his website – the guy who designed it in the first place never even finished it! The thousands of projected orders for ithacasucks litter scoops never materialized. Now Ez has to cough up the dough to renew his site. It hardly seems worth it. Martha Stewart spent time in jail and came out a bigger success than when she went in – Ez has spent two years in Ithaca and look where it’s gotten him. Sucking air, charley.
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:05 AM
