EZ taxHaving trouble figuring out your taxes? Not sure if you qualify for an Alaska Permanent Fund dividend? (Tip: If you live in Texas, own an oil refinery or have been out to THE RANCH for barbecued ribs, you qualify!) Having trouble with the 1040EZ form? Only hours to file?
Well, here’s help! EZ stands for Ezra Kidder’s easy tax filing service. Forget going down to the local post office to pick up your forms. There’s likely to be a sign on the door telling you that the Post Office doesn’t provide tax forms anymore. Truth of the matter is that the Post Office has been bought out by Staples. That explains all the glitzy kiosks filled with mailing accessories. You can even use your credit card to buy a 37cent stamp. By way of preparing you for the not so distant future when a first class stamp will cost $13. 70.
Don’t stress! You can now download your tax returns from Napster along with the new Screaming Chickens cd.
Let’s get started. You’ll see how EZ it is to file your taxes using Kidder’s Robo-Tax. All that’s required is answering a few simple questions. Ezra will calculate your taxes automatically and, if you belong to that lucky 1% of the population that already owns the whole fucking universe in the first place, make sure that a big fat juicy tax refund is deposited in your Swiss account.
Question 1 Did you earn over $2.8 billion in taxable income last year? (We’re not talking about earnings from overseas investments in the Afghan drug trade, profits from the sale of enriched uranium to North Korea, or the Thai sex trade.) Did you contribute more than $1.2 million to the Republican National Committee?
Congratulations! You’re entitled to an Earned Income Credit of $23 million, a free tank up at any of 32,000 Exxon stations, a McRibs sandwich at the Crawford Ranch and a chance to get your picture taken with Condoleeza Rice in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Question 2 Did you earn less than $30,000 last year, eat more Macaroni n Cheese in the last 12 months than you have eaten in the previous 34 years, consider selling a kidney on the black market to pay down your credit card debt? Do you drive a car that has logged more miles than the Voyager space probe? Have you considered asking your boss for a longer lunch hour so you can break bread at the local suup kitchen?
Oops! Your tax bill has just increased dramatically. The war’s not going so well, the troops may have to stay another 6 years in Iraq, the cost of privatizing social security will cost trillions (forget retirement!) and the economy isn’t doing that well, so toughen up and bite the bullet – why don’t ya? We’ll see you down in line at the post office a minute before the filing deadline
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 9:47 PM
