A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
new york state electric and greed


Imagine, if you dare, what would happen if you combined Enron, the IRS, Philip Morris, Union Carbide (remember Bhopal). the Republican Party, the Aryan Brotherhood, the Gestapo, Al-Quadea, the SS. and the nuns of Immaculate Conception School in Red Hook. NJ under one umbrella organization.

Now give that organization a monopoly over the distribution of gas and electricity for a large swath of central New York.

Then call it NYSEG.

Incidentally, are they still looking for Osama bin Laden. The other day Ez thought he recongized someone who bore a distinct resemblance to the Bogey Man of Terror reading meters for NYSEG.

Ok. You might have guessed by now that Ez is not a fan of the electric and gas company. (Ez is not a fan of any corporation, let alone an arrogant, bullying, self-serving corporation that cuts the power on widows and infants. ) Ez only wonders why a mob of angry home owners who just received their NYSEG bill hasn't led a torch light parade out there and burned the place down by now.

Sheep. People upstate are sheep. Two letters complaining about the sob's in the Ithaca Urinal does not constitute a reaction. So what is it? Why do people tolerate having their pockets picked monthly? Are Ithacans happy about being overbilled for a basic necessity of life? Do folks up here like to give money away to monopolies. Holy Smokestack, Molly.

Ez just has to wonder. Why are liberals so incensed about the machinations of Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling and the Enron kid? Why do they gather around their tvs while that stern Molly Hatchet of progressivism, Amy Goodman, excoriates the Texas energy banditos on Democracy Now --when, and get this, Enron's unholy incubus is metering away millions up here in upstate NY?

It's the old syndrome. The evil far away is more interesting than the monster in your backyard. Get yourself worked up by something happening thousands of miles away and then allow some propane baron to bully you around with total impunity.

Or, maybe Ithacans don't care that much about octegenarian widows struggling to make ends meet on a fixed income. Or kids in trailers with early signs of bronchitis are just below the empathy radar.

Or, maybe most progressives in Ithaca have wood stoves.



Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:50 AM

 

unpaid political nonendorsement

Someone had the unmitigated gall to mail Uncle Ez a glossy 6"X10" flyer from the Barbara Lifton campaign.

Who is Barbara Lifton? Why is she running for the State Assembly? What is the State Assembly? Is that like a single's bar in Albany?

Ez can't really figure out why anyone would want to run for the State Assembly.

And can anyone tell Ez what the State Assembly does? How many New Yorkers really know what the State Assembly does or have even knowingly voted for a candidate for the State Assembly? Of course, that is, unless that candidate was your Uncle Maury, the family Whip, ever legislative in his polyester suit and J.C. Penny raincoat slung over his arm, ready to tackle the issues of the day. Like giving tax breaks to car dealers. Or passing a bill to make Oct 14 the official New York Stromboli Day.

How much political clout can an Assembly person have? (You better believe that Hilliary Clinton never had to run for the State Assembly.) Does anyone even know much do they make? (As opposed to how much they collect under the table.) Who would want to give up a day time job at A-Plus or Target to hang out with a bunch of old farts in polyester suits or women with silver blue hair who didn't have the bucks or the bang to run for State Senate. Senator, now that's got a ring to it. You can go into Simeon's and get a nod from the bartender if you were a Senator. After all, you're wearing the purple. But can you imagine being an Assembly person, hanging out at budget motels on the outskirts of Albany, having to carry your own luggage, getting your sister to type your correspondence. Hell, it might even pay to skip the Super 8 completely and just commuteback and forth to caucuses.? Or is that caucusi?

Anyway, the Founding Fathers, in their infinite wisdom, knew that the only way to keep the masses in line was to extend the Good Ole Boy (or Girl) network right down to the state, county and local level. You know, make sure that the right people run the show.

But Barb Lifton wants to be your State Assembleyperson and, according to her glossy flyer, Barb has a "record of service and results."

So Ez, ace political reporter for Ithaca Sucks has been doing a little investigative journalism. He's turned up some interesting facts about Barbara Lifton.

Barb claims to have improved our economy by working to create good paying jobs. Do you remember seeing any good paying jobs in the classified this morning? Come 'on, Barb, get real. This is Ithaca, New York. We're talking about an economy which is 1/1000th the size of the gross national product of Terra del Fuego.

Well, on the bright side, there are career baristas in Ithaca :here, making lattes is something you aspire to. You can't really aspire to anything else in Ithaca except being hit by a Ford Explorer with out of state plates if you bend down to pick up a penny on Albany St. So Barb must be talking about the good job she got Marty Luster, her predessor in the Assembly. He has a fine job as Ithaca city attorney. After he left the State Assembly, he didn't have to take a cut in pay.

Barb's next talking point -- she will fight to invest in quality education. Sure, that means turning over everything to Cornell. Yes, Barbara, "our schools will have the resources they need to meet the challenges of tomorrow." They own the entire county. That should be enough, right?

Barb, by her own lights, will also work tirelessly to "ensure quality health care for everyone." Yep. Barb probably does know a number of $100 a needle accupuncturists, millionaire herbalists, $1,000 a tooth dentists. They all hang out in Fall Creek. They all have copies of Herb and Root on the coffee tables in their waiting rooms. And a copy of the Velveteen Rabbit for the kids. Ez is sure that they'll be thrilled when Barb asks them to accept a single payer insurance plan.

You've been in office one term, Barb, and you've done a fine job. But what have you done? Wearing a sweater around your shoulders like an overweight Audrey Hepburn and being seen at the Ithaca Festival doesn't count.

Ez has crunched the numbers and calculated that Barbara Lifton has actually made a difference. She has helped 120 of her close friends and associates get richer, get better educated and get quality healthcare. That leaves 99,900 of us that need a voice in the State Assembly.

Footnote: Oops! Barb went and did it, made a horrible faux pas, put politics over racial equality, offended the delicate liberal sensibilities of the 5 Ithacans who voted for her. If you haven't heard, and how the fuck would Ez expect anyone to read the Ithaca Journal to find out, Barb recommended that Democratic voters in her district vote for a white red neck Democrat (Sheriff Pete) rather than a black Republican. Whip her with a wet ballot, ok.

Not paid for by the Ithaca Sucks Committee to Dump the Whole Fucking Lot.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:13 PM

 
Exclusive Ithaca Sucks News Flash!

HUNTER SHOOTS MAYOR, MEMBERS OF COMMON COUNCIL

This just in from our 24 hour blog room. A 45 year old Freeville man today shot and wounded Mayor Carolyn Peterson and 10 members of the Ithaca Common Council as they were walking across DeWitt Park on their way to a Halloween party in Fall Creek.

A spokesperson for Cayuga Medical Center reports that the mayor's injuries were non-life threatening.. Peterson and the wounded council members were trasnported to CMC by Bang's Ambulance at a charge of $450.00 per person.
Fred Joe Winston, 56, of 110 Main Street, Freeville, who was arrested at the scene within minutes of the shooting , told police, "Hell, I thought she was a 10 pointer! How did I know?"

Winston, a Vietnam vet himself and chapter head of the Freevile VFW, was arraigned before Judge Judy for assault with a deadly weapon, and hunting within city limits. He was released on his own recognizance when. Police Chief Lauren Signor admitted publicly that there wasn't enough evidence to hold Winston.

"Well, he had the rifle and we knew it had been recently fired. But our CSI-Ithaca team haven't come back from Disney World so we couldn't really reconstruct the crime scene." claimed Signor during a newsconference at City Hall. An investigation is ongoing.

BREAKING NEWS
Cornell University makes deal with North Korea for weapons grade Plotonium.

President David Skorton today met with Kim Il Jong. dictator for life of North Korea, to cinch a deal for 6 ounces of enriched plutonium. The leaders met in a historic ceremony in Cornell's Day Hall.

The White House released this statement about the deal.
"President Bush is a Yale man and Yale men don't fraternize with members of the Axis of Evil.."
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 8:23 AM

 

new age babbit

Jim would be the first to admit it. He's a lousy husband, father, businessman, employer, citizen, human being. That's ok. It's easy to overlook those flaws because Jim has one other redeeming virtue.

In Ithaca, New York Jim is a player.

Yup, or yessureebob or whatever hick town convention of affirmation you choose, ole Jimbob has the capital or, at least, the access to capital, to set things in motion. There are people around town who depend on Jim for their livilhood. Insurance men, bankers, car dealers, carpenters, plumbers, electricians, wee little clerks, dharma bums, business associates, bitter old men, guys who have been wronged by Jim, guys who are suing Jim, guys who will never step into another business Jim starts, other guys who will kiss Jim's ass and try to sell him a new computer application to run the next poorly managed, understaffed, underfinanced sprocket business Jimbob sets up. (Jim doesn't really deal in sprockets, of course. If Ez gave away too many details, Jimbob might know we're talking about him, Jim Curon, not the dowdy Everyman Jim thinks we're describing.It's gets rather complicated during a hatchet job on a private citizen even if he's a universally recognized fool --at least around Ithaca, New York.)

Jim is the product of two separate developments. First, the two hundred or so year pathetic evolution of the modern bourgeiosie from its origins in Europe to its post industrial, consumerist, politically impotent incarnation in 21st Century America. . Secondly, the marketing and subsequent product development of Buddhism in the United States. Yep, you see, Jimbob is a dharma groupie. Since his early formless tree hugging days, Jim has been enamored of the easy morality and intellectual slipperiness of California Buddhism. You know, the Jack Kerouac, Allen Ginsburg school of Buddhism where you blow smoke out your ass and call it wisdom. (After all, Jack Jerouac was the perfect salesman for American Buddhism, an amoral, solipistic, hedonistic, drifter/drifter. Does Ez betray his distaste for the lot? Live with it!)

This is how it goes, at least here's Ez's attempt to dissect the origin of Jimness --

like cutting jello with a laser, haha.

As an endproduct of bourgeios inbreeding, Jim exhibits all the typical signs of narcissistic disturbance. He's selfish to a fault, totally focused on his own needs and the endless pursuit of the latest model Blackberry. According to the Buddha, however, it's all illusion --maya. Nothing really exists, nothing really matters, it's all an illusion. Follow so far? Add to this consciousnessness soup the modern bourgeiosie's penchant for slipping out of any kind of accountability, personal responsibility, what have you --and you have Jimbob, new age babbit. If all these other people in the universe are really just illusions, fuck them. In Jim's mind, that means he can screw them, con them, cheat them, walk all over them, undepay them, and, ultimately, bore them with impunity. (Ez doesn't know if there is anything like perfect impunity but that's another issue.)

Well, why do you think they call him Satan?

Anyway, Jim is the kind of scoundrel that always lands on top. Which means that someone else lands on the bottom. Here's a for instance. Jim borrowed a lot of money and opened up a giant amusement park on the edge of town. He suckered a lot of people into investing their hard earned money and time in franchising all the rides, carousels, cotton candy booths needed to float Jim's fun park. (Of course, Ez is playing fast and easy with the truth --the truth being less than literal.) Then, Jimbob proceeded to mismanage the place, screw the staff, literally and figuaratively, con a lot of people into slapping fresh coats of paint on Jimbob's financial sinkhole, until the day of reckoning when the money ran out and the last antique carousel horse was sent to the glue factory.

At which point, admidst the deitrus of his failed business empire, the howls of his creditors, the pain of his partners and employees, Jimbob opened up a Buddhist retreat center. Buddha babbit, dharma devil, man around town.

That's just one of the 100,000 stories in the naked village.

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:04 PM

 

the hen yard

One of the rare treats in our little pocket of rural poverty is to check out the traffic on the Human Service Coalition listserv.

The Human service mafia in Ithaca, as you might imagine, is dominated by the MWCPW or the Middle Aged White College Educated Professional Woman, occasionally lesbian, but more often not a woman who has been unahppily married to an alpha male with a job at Cornell. Alpha males often stray from the nest so, not only does the MWCPW have to worry about her maintaining her place in the human service pecking order, but also about which cute graduate student the rooster is currently doing. The listserv operates like a virtual hen yard where MWCPW can hang out, cluck, broadcast their wares, defend their turf, or just stay in touch with what other MWCPW's are doing at other agencies.

Here's a typical variant on the listserv message board:

"The Sciencenter’s 4th Annual free community event, Spooky Science, will be held this Friday from 6 to 8 p.m. Come in costume and experience science at its playful spookiest:

* Explore “tricked-out” exhibits
* Watch a hair-raising static electricity demonstration
* Touch live “lightning” inside a plasma ball
* Examine creepy clawed feet (every half hour from 6-7:30 p.m.)
* Dig into a glowing mystery substance to find small spooky surprises
* Create and take home a spine-chilling shrunken ”head”
* Make creepy crafts
* Watch cool chemistry performances by the Ithaca College Chemistry Club (6:15 and 7:15 p.m.)
* A big jack-o-lantern will take center stage in the Sciencenter’s outdoor Emerson Science Park for a messy but fun finale

Spooky Science will be held at the Sciencenter, located at 601 First Street in Ithaca. Additional parking will be available at P&C Foods.

Spooky Science is possible with the support of an anonymous donor, as well as by gifts made to the Sciencenter Annual Fund." (Why not towards cancer research or stopping global warming. Spooky science, that's what Bush believes in. Maybe Laura Bush put up the money???)

The Sciencenter is running a halloween event, cool! But why????? Does that mean that some other agency is running the science events? Looks innocent enough? Dudes and dudettes, it's some middle aged professional woman's idea of hegenomic control. She's already got her Thanksgiving, Ground Hog Day, Christmas, Easter agendas mapped out. The science of Thanksgiving, wow.

But that's typical. MWCPW's gobble up whatever they see. It's a huge turf war for resources, publicity, the best staff, calendar space, domination. The more people need, the more power flows to the mafia. Sara Pine has her little food pantyr empire behind Wegmann's, the Red Cross controls homelessness, Suicide Prevention makes sure that no one drops out of the client base without approval, TCAction makes sure people stay poor so MWCPW's keep their jobs, right down the line.

Oops, here's incoming mail:

"SAVE THE DATE!! (Not save the duck, whale, flea or pear.)

Tompkins County Prevention Point Syringe Exchange Program is having a open house. We would like to invite community members to come and check out the program.

This is an opportunity for the community to learn more about the syringe exchange program and harm reduction, and answer any questions you have about the program.

Please stop by on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 from 4:00 to 6:00 p.m.

We are located at 501 S. Meadow St. (across from Wegmans in the Lama Real Estate Plaza and Thai Cuisine). The Syringe Exchange Program is located in the back of the Southern Tier AIDS Program office. Please use the back entrance off of South Titus St. (Why not the front entrance? )

*Light Refreshment will be served. (Coke?)

Please refer any questions to Meredith Zaslowe, Harm Reduction Educator, 272-4098 or mzaslowe@stapinc.org.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Thank you,
Tompkins County Prevention Point Staf" (Not Ez's spelling.)

Holy shit, man, they've taken over the drug trade!

Ez heard the other day that the number of nonproft startups in Tompkins County is far and away outstripping for-profit startups. Now you thought the restaurant business was saturatyed. Check out the emergency food racket. If you wanted some generic powdered USDA milk, like ain't that everybody's choice for a late night redeye, you have your choice of the Starvation Army, the Food Pantry, the soup kitchen, the Red Cross, the Food Closet, the Food Shed, the Food Basket, the Cracker Van, the Food Bug, the Food Drop Off, the Southern Tier White Bread and Milk Handout Gang, Food not
Termites, Food not Taxes, and don't forget the fact that you can walk into any grocery store and just steal food. The staff behind the registers are generally too malnourished to know what's happening around them! The working poor, hell, they don't count. They can fend for themselves.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 1:17 PM

 

free speech ain't for sissies

A great American was once quoted, "the more you're able to bitch and moan, the more you protect freedom here at home and abroad. "

Actually, that was Ez's great great grandfather, George Patrick Henry Swaytze Kidder, pictured above left.

Great great grandad was personally issued off the battlefield at Saratoga. The history books aren't very specific as to the reason for his public humiliation but it was probably because he was griping or complaining about something or other. Later, he took up testing time pieces under extreme conditions as a vocation. He is most remembered for going over the American Falls in Buffalo, New York with the first wrist watch produced in the newly federated US of America. Neither grandad or the watch were ever seen again.

Hey, man, this blog ain't about Ez imitating bad Dave Barry or P.J. O'Rourke pieces. It's about a revolutionary new concept --the community bitch blog. Finally, here's a chance and a space to complain about the manager of Now You're Cooking, the pasty faced asshole with the snooty attitude who overcharges on everything from a can opener to a Waring blender that you can get $50 cheaper at Target. Or take a potshot at your shift supervisor At Target. Hey, you compose the diatribe, Ez will take the wrap.

We're talking Democracy with a capital "D." Get back at those fuckers for making your world, your country, your state, your city, your home, your job, your shopping experience, your ride to the drycleaner's, your whatever, a miserable, humiliating, frustrating, god I wish I had an Uzi, type of experience. Broadcast your opinion where everyone can read it. Hell, most of the time the Ithaca Journal or the Ithaca Times won't publish your letter to the editor. The system is rigged. The newspapers are all in bed with the bosses, the politicans, the guys with the fat pocket. This ain't a fucking democracy. Not when the little guy doesn't have the wherewithall to express his opinion. That's what grafitti is for, after all.

But you don't have to sneak out after dark to spray BUSH IS A NAZI or MAYOR CAROLINE PETERSON SNORTS COCAINE OUT A JELLO MOLD on the wall of the Fleet Bank Building. Don't take a chance of getting your ass hauled up to Sheriff Pete's new jail. Just send an email to Ez. He'll put your beef right up on the World Wide Web, baby.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 2:55 PM

 

sheriff pete

Pete Meskill keeps the blueprints in a locked drawer in his office.

Yep, Sheriff Pete's dream jail is a real beaut. Modelled on the Federal Supermax in Florence, Colorado, Sheriff Pete Meskill's detailed plans include a huge glass panopticon tower in the center of a wagon wheel-like maze of cells with totally automated doors, wall nozzles for remote control water cannon, state of the art surveillance and inmate monitoring cameras. The latest Star Wars lock-up technology for drunks and wife beaters.

Sheriff Pete estimates that he can bring in his new county jail for something over $17.5 million. That that eyebrown wrenching amount may account for the entire yearly budget of Tompkins County, New York doesn't phase the Sheriff one bit. He has aleady prepared a detailed proposal for a 150 year bond float. It's comforting to know that the new jail would be entirely paid for by 2156, down to the electrified moat.

And Sherrif Pete's got the land for the new jail all staked out and surveyed by his friend, Bruce Shickel. Turns out the land is in Bruce's name too. But that's no problem. Bruce is related to Sheriff Pete by marriage. That's the way things are done up in these here parts. What do those city slickers down in the flats know with their graduate degrees and fancy titles?

Now, the man on the street might wonder how a dinky little upstate county like Tompkins would consider building a $17.5 million facility for 75 random alimony cheats, marijuahana growers, serial fall-down drunks. Well, Sheriff Pete has that all figured out. He's been padding the headcount at the old jail for the last 8 years.

When he's not locking up members of his own rather large extended family, Sheriff Pete has been importing winos from as far away as Schuyler and Lewis Counties. Meskill read once that the His or Her Majesties' Royal Navy used similiar tactics to flesh out their crews -- patrol the gin pots in every port city and round up all the drunks. When some poor prolifigate would wake up in the morning with a royal hangover, he'd find himself staring at the lights off the coast of Calais. Or in the case of someone unfortunate to end up in Sheriff Pete's clutches, a rather naked aluminum toilet.

Sheriff Pete has kept the jail population overflowing for years. You do your crime in Lewis County, get arraigned in Tompkins County and then, thanks to overcrowding, get farmed out to do your time in at the calaboose in Tioga Couny.

Meskill has made the construction of a new jail his number 1 priority, And, it shows in the numbers. Since Sheriff Pete came into office, routine traffic violations logged by county law enforcement has decreased 95%. Speeders don't pay. Unless you're nabbed for DWI, DUI or hit and ru, you get off with a ticket and a fine. And most of the fine gets split betweem the municpality you've stopped in or the state. Not a penny goes to the construction budget for Sheriff Pete's new jail.

The roads of Tompkins County have become the new Wild West. There ain't a cruiser in sight. All the deputies hang out at the jail, playing cards with Sheriff Pete's cousins from Arkansas, all decked out and friendly in yellow TCCJ jumpsuits. Watch out for the Dukes of Slaterville, pardner.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 2:56 PM

 
laundry day seven

It's not like we don't appreciate their sacrifice. Not everyone is willing to give a pint of blood, get arrested, be catapulted into instant rock star status, spend a year in jail (with no need to earn an income, pay rent, feed or clothe yourself), then come out and be feted by hundreds of adoring groupies.

Let's hear it for the St. Pat's Four! Hip hip hooray.

Problem is, the war is still raging, three thousand American lives, tens of thousands of Iraqi lives, billions of dollars wasted. Squirting a little blood around a recruiting center in a boonieville community like Ithaca, NY didn't change a thing. Rather it cost the tax payers some additional thousands of dollars for court and incarceration costs, and drew attention away from the real heroes of the anti-war movement --the Laundry Day 7.

Chances are, you haven't heard about the LD 7 and their courageous but little noticed struggle to halt US imperialism.

Who are the Laundry Day 7? Well, you may ask. The LD 7 are as many brave Americans, also living in Ithaca, NY, who have vowed not to change their underwear until Bush pulls the troops out of Iraq. They have elected to move out of their comfy apartments or the homes they formerly shared with family and friends, to give up their jobs, and live collectively in a small farm in Groton, NY.

But why haven't we heard about the LD7? Ez has given this some careful thought and this is what he's come up with.

1) Few journalists and media representatives are willing to come within even a mile of the LD7 stronghold. Understandably, the LD7 have been given very few chances to tell their stories.

2) The LD7 haven't produced as many freckled offspring as the Grady's and Ritter's so they have fewer foot soldiers in their war against war. The Grady's, to their credit, have stuck to the Pope's ban on birth control and are mutiplying like Celtic bunnies. Translate: there are always hordes of freckled faces at rallies, demonstrations, in prison visiting rooms: more than enough people willing to write letters to the editor and scout out photo ops.

Who deserves the most credit for standing up to Bush's war machine? The Grady's with their self-aggrandizing, media-hogging style or the LD7? Who's sacrificed more for the movement? Be real! How does a year in jail compare to three yars of jock itch? You be the judge.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 8:30 AM

 

holy sundae

A high energy pr campaign has been waged in tiny Ithaca, New York now for the last month to capitalize on the to-the-death rivalry between Twin Rivers and Ithaca to claim credit for serving the first ice cream sundae. The goal has been to finagle a tv spot on CBS.

Emails have been furiously zinging back and forth -- none of which Ez has even bothered to read imasmuch as: 1) he knows the truth, 2)it doesn't matter who invented the ice cream sundae, and 3) who gives a fuck if Ithaca gets a little more undeserved pr?

That's a huge responsibility for one person but Ez is up to the task.

First, the truth of the matter is that an Ithacan didn't come up with the ice cream sundae, but, to our credit, an Ithaca man was the first to produce internet porn.

Second, being first to serve an ice cream sundae didn't produce any widespread benefit for mankind. This kind of frivolous publicity hoopla only underscores the fact that Ithaca has never produced anything that served the greater good. If Ithaca had, for instance, been the venue for say, a medical milestone like the discovery of a cancer vaccine, the city would have no need to tout its clout in the dairy industry.

Third, how many viewers who turn to CBS really care who came up with the ice cream sundae? They tune in CBS for autopsy shows. No one really cares. Another meaningless tidbit of trivia to be filed away in the 30 second cortical flush zone (like a turd chunk that doesn't get washed away the first time around but disappears with the next flush.) Do you really think that, with the war in Iraq, the war on terror, rising energy prices, midterm elections, a stalled economy, etc, people really have time for useless trivia. Give us a break. Who invented the styrofoam cup? Who invented the first hemerrhoid preparation?

Let's face it. We're not talking here about an old fashioned example of civic pride.George Washington slept here. Bill Clinton used our restroom. We're talking about a cold calculating scheme to boost the bottom line of Purity Ice Cream, the tourist trade, the restaurant business, the flea market enterprise zone, etc around Ithaca, NY

And, quite frankly, if you are considering a visit to Ithaca, be advised to stay away. You might save a costly repair job on your front axle. The potholes are deadly.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:54 AM

 

empire of garbage

Ezra has been hard pressed to confirm reports that Mother Jones, the Neiman Marcus of 'progressive' media channels, has bestowed on Ithaca the title of 'most environmentally friendly' small city in America. Or some shit like that. Ez caught a snippet of the report on the radio. But, at this late stage of suckdom, Exra's faculties have desintegrated to the point where he's not sure whether he hears voices or not. Stay long enough in Ithaca and you occasionally reach that point. But that's another story.

Now, if you recall, the Utne Reader was suckered into making a similiar prounoucement some years back. According to Utne's lights, Ithaca was one of the most liveable small cities in the US. Ez can tell you, as one who has resided on Cayuga's shores long enough, that potholes, declining infrastructure and a flintrock economy do not make for liveability. But, someone living in San Francisco or some other pollution clogged vantage point might visit our fair city for a weekend, be whisked past a couple of the to-die for state parks, end up sipping lattes on the Ithaca Commons, find an envelope stuffed with cash under his or her pillow, and come to that conclusion.

So be it. Lure those suckers in. Wishing it so might make it so if the city mothers can pay off enough media outlets. After all, this is America, the Land of the Simulacrum. Appearance is reality, reality is appearance.

But Ezra Kidder, ace muckracker, has discovered another startling truth about ithaca, environmental gift horse. And it involves, of all things, garbage. Now, tell Ez if he's wrong or not. Any metro that doesn't have a handle on waste management doesn't deserve the moniker, eco-utopia. Well, let it be known that Ithaca does have a firm grip on the drawstrings of its garbage bag. Because ihaca has turned the problem over to the largest waste management corporation on the planet, the GM of garbage, as it were.

A recent visit to the Tompkins County Waste Disposal or whatever it's called site revealed that Ithaca has subcontracted the dump to no other than Waste Management, Inc. Now google or whatever you do with your search engine Waste Management and toggle over to entry 750 or something like that until you get into the real juicy stuff -- or, alternatively, type in the words 'waste management inc' and 'scandal.' Hey, it ain't pretty.

Not only is the name Waste Management Inc. bandied around in the same foul breath as Enron, but, if you dig deep enough, you'll discover that Waste Management has been pilloried for years by environmentalists for fucking up the you know what. The corporation, which, incidentally, has enough clout to recruit for its CEO's former cabinet grade politicans, was stymied in its attempt to build a gigantic, noxious garbage transfer center in Linden, NJ. WMA , or whatever it acronymit uses, had its designs on NYC's waste contracts but needed a new venue to dump the shit after NYC closed its Staten Island landfill. (Sad to say, the landfill was reopened to hold the deitrus of 9/11.) Hey, don't listen to Ez. Do your own homework. Like someone else, not to mention names, should have before deciding to crawl into bed with this smelly suitor.

Hey, when you lie in garbage you wake up smelling like garbage.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:30 AM

 
festival

It starts out harmlessly enough. A celebration of local culture. A parade. Local vendors selling falafel. Volvos in tutus. Buddhists blowing bubbles. A chance to show off the kids and, in turn, to be seen by others who share your pride of place.
Hey, consider yourself lucky. You live in upstate New York, surrounded by natural beauty where the slow hand of distant ice ages left their mark. In a practically lily white enclave. Where, untouched by war and its attendant sorrows, you can play the liberal card, watch the decals slowly peel off your bumper, plant a anti-Bush sign on your front lawn, write letters to the papers about the virtues of renaming this or that after MLK.

Ithacaculture. Bobo volk culture. A celebration of the good life. Wineries, the Farmer's Market, coop groceries, trendy Vegetarian restaurants, an educated labor force. There are parts of the US where 1 in 10 have a college degree. 1 in 3 Ithacans have a MA or better. The other two/thirds mow your lawns, bus tables at your favorite bistros, stock the shelves at Wegmanns.

You live in paradise. Your rightful place. You have the right stuff. You keep the riff raff away by raising the bar for rents, keeping the economy cool, building fewer low income housing units, gentrification, social stratification.



You deserve your own special festival. Celebrate!

Holy shit! Ezra! Do you know what you just did? You equated the Ithaca Festival with the Nurenberg Party Rallies of the 1930's! How the fuck can you get away with that shit?

What the fuck? (This is Ez talking, not one of the angels of his better nature.) It's a free county, right? Not technically, but theoretically right? If I want to compare these self-satisfied, self-congratulatory, hagiography-manufacturing, middle class, elitist, so-called liberal hypocrites with nazis, well's that's that my right. Who do you fuck come off saying I can't compare that shit? This is a free speech blog. This is a temporary autononomous zone, thanks Mr. Hakim Bey, this is pirate internet, this is a chronic grumbler, complainer, hitman of the gemutlich, rainbow griper, Ezra Kidder, speaking his mind.

But, still man, Ithaca ain't that bad. This is not Nazi Germany, be real, after all. Those people out there at the ithaca festival aren't like killing jews or shit like that?

Well, yeah, you're right. But all Nazi Germany's start off in little petri dishes where the conservative forces in society team up with people who can deliver the muscle to create a single monololithic narrative for the rest of society. Suddenly there is no free press, no opposition parties, no alternative narratives, no other way of looking at the world except the dominant paradigm. Ithaca is gorges is the dominant paradigm. There is no real opposing point of view that makes it through. You've got the university, the politicans, the business community, the cultural elites teaming up to deliver the message that ithaca is great, things are better here than anywhere else, love it or leave it. Now that is fascism whether it looks like the brown shirt variety or not. It's too bad. Ithaca has so much potential. But there is a generalized suppression of energy, a diverting of power away from the edges to the center, a dampening of joy. Ithaca is gorges but you don't see people dancing and swimming in those gorges, do you? You don't see people out in the parks, you don't see having fun. Because for most people who can't make a living in ithaca, or a marginal one at best, or who work for jerks because the area seems to attract the jerk entrepeneurial types who open businessesm restaurants, bakeries, the small fascist businessman variety, ithaca is not gorges. It's existential palookaville. Did I spell that right? Free the gorges. Free the people. Fuck Ithaca.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 10:53 AM

 
Ask an elitist

In the process of wrapping up, fish n' chips style, a 30lb Peruvian blowfish the other day, an article in the Ithaca Urinal caught Ez's attention. The Urinal is running a series titled Ask A Scientist. Cool, dudes. In it, some photogenic, eugenetically superior chick from Cornell with an expensive PhD was discoursing intelligently on conifer trees. What a gas, Ez thought. Ithacasucks should have a column like that.

So, Ez started flipping through his rolodex to find someone from up on the Hill who would consent to be a guest columnist. Let's be honest, readers, outside of the kitchen staff and dish crew, there aren't that many folks at Cornell who would go on record with a weblog named Ithaca Sucks. But Ez perservered, agreed to furnish ski masks at no extra charge, even threw in a case of Saranac beer to sweeten the pot so - without further adieu, ask an elitist!

Reinhard von Bingenslingen
Education: Munich University, B.A., UCLA, Berkeley, PhD., Cornell, Ed.
Interests: Population Studies, Ethnography
Hobbies: Fencing, Wild boar hunting, Skeet Shooting, Eugenics

RvB: Whas kind of name is Ezra Kidder? Was is your nationality, please?
EK: Irish. I'm Irish.
RvB: Das gut.
EK: Please tell us, Prof. von Bingenslingen, why do people on the Hill feel so superior to the folks downtown?
RvB: Das is easy. Die volk, I mean, the people on the Hill represent the future of civilization. They are intellectually superior, have higher SAT scores, come from the finest social backgrounds, have access to the finest research facilities and teachers in the world, and, finally, they study 18 hours a day to grasp the principles that guide the universe. There is no doubt that they are superior in every way. Do you have doubts, Herr Kidder?
EK: No, Professor ... you're right on the money. What's your partner's name? Do they allow uniforms like that on the Hill?
RvB: Dat is Otto. He is my research assistant. He is in ROTC. Ya?
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:57 AM

 
the place to be
Good choice, McGee! Whatever your neurosis, whatever your disease, no matter how little time you have left to live, no reason to worry how fucked up you are, you've come to the right place.

The Booster Squad from Ithaca's Chamber of Commerce has been out scouring the country again for endorsements for our tiny hamlet of insanity. Recall, if you will, how, several years ago, they suckered Utne Magazine into naming Ithaca "of the most enlightened communities in America." What you didn't know at the time is that Newark, New Jersey topped the list that year. Chamber of Commerce stoolies went around town buying up all the copies of that issue of Utne so NO ONE IN ITHACA ACTUALLY SAW THE ARTICLE. It was a joke! Those poor Utne fools had to spend a week in rehab, however, and that was no joke. They're still having flashbacks! "what the fuck did they put in my tofu? LSD?"


Following up on that triumph, Ithaca has once again been in the news as a magnet city. In the March issue of the Journal of the Hemlock Society, Ithaca was named the best place in America to commit suicide. Actually, the picture you see here of that lovely little view into eternity appeared in the March issue. The Hemlock editors offered some of the following as reasons for their pick - Ithaca is gorges! If jumping from high places is your thing, Ithaca is your place. Secondly, Ithaca has one of the best suicide hotlines in the country. If you can survive three hours of listening to some yokel on the phone talk about a scoop of Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road ice cream as an inducement to live, you're ready to die. Another reason for naming Ithaca a depressive's paradise was the high number of cloudy overcast days. Spending your vacation in Ithaca is like visiting Key West during hurricane season.

Ithaca received another wink from the editors of Rural Poverty Quarterly. Tompkins county was named in the April issue the best place in America for poor farmers. Can you believe it? Check out those happy faces. RPQ cited the availability of social service resources in Tompkins County as reason for their pick. "If you have a mail box, you can get a check." Another factor mentioned was the peculiar gullibility of local produce consumers. RPQ counseled producers, "if you can grow it and get away with calling it 'organic', well, you're on your way to eco-riches at Ithaca's Farmer Market."

Way to go, Ithaca!
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:05 AM

 

alternative ceremonies

Ez has been thinking about Cornell's upcoming graduation. Typically, Ez spends his time thinking about his receding hairline, revolution, the demise of capitalism, the next Ice Age but, this morning, as an nice alternative, he's been considering how Cornell's graduation could be more meaningful this year.

So, he's come up with a few ideas.

1. Ever watch the Summer Olympics and how the organizers pull off those massive synchronized human message events?
One moment, 20,000 fans in the stadium are sitting there, drinking $15 Pepsi's, next moment they are all holding little signs and, together, they form a huge Olympic banner. Kitschy, eh? Well, Ez wonders why the 2006 graduating class can't pull something like that off? Possible reasons: everyone is too drunk, most graduates can't spell or read simple directions. Nonetheless, Ez thinks it would be totally cool if 7,000 graduates got together and spelled out in 10 ft. high letters a true celebration of the Cornell spirit:



Idea #2: Immediately after the class valedvictorian gave her/his address, he or she would slowly and with great dignity leave the stage and proceed to the nearest gorge with all the other graduates following in tight order. At which point, Well, you get the point, like lemmings.

Ez's next favorite idea, #3, is more predictable. combining as it does, Slope Day and graduation. Immediately after the ceremony, graduates would chuck their silly mortarboard beanies in the air, rip off their academic robes, proceed in no particular order to huge tables groaning with Scotch, Vodka, Beer and tabs of acid, ingest as much as possible of these substances in the shortest amount of time, then rush off down the Buffalo St. hill to waste and lay pillage to the quiet and forever lugubrious city of Ithaca,
smashing shop windows, dismantling the Fleet building brick by brick, changing the name of all the streets without deference to liberal sensibilities, and then, when Ithaca looked like Watts after the riots, the graduates would race back to campus, hop in their smart Camry's and Jeep runabouts, and get the fuck out of town.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:41 AM

 
The Road Kill Movie

Hi all! Ez is out here on location, riding around Ithaca, filming his first movie - IthacaSucks Presents "Road Kill of Ithaca." It's very exciting --lights, cameras, cut! The extras ain't too lively but then again, we don't have to pay them either. Poor fellow. Rocky Raccoon, he ain't. Hey, lots of animals were injured in the making of this movie!

Well, to be precise, not during- but certainly before. It's not like we asked these poor critters to run out in front of our wheels? Right? After all, Ithacans love animals. Not the animals in the meat freezers at Wegmann's, but we sure love our pooches. The city closed that dog park out there by the Hangar and you'd think they closed the public library. The letters to the editor haven't stopped yet.
But, we also love our cars. Volvos, expecially. But Toyotas, Hondas, SUV's, big Buck Rogers' futuristic cars that resemble 21st Century stagecoaches, or compact, jazzy cars that look like electric shavers on wheels. So, you might say that road kill is the intersection of ecology and technology here in Ithaca.
That's our cameraman waiting for a squirrel who's crossing a telephone wire to make a mistep. It didn't happen on this particular day but we we sure saw a great variety of squirrels belly up with those little paws pointing towards Animal Valahala.
Sometimes it's hard to identify the species. Unless you're a forensic zoologist. Yeah, they have those. Americans are really getting into dead things. All those autopsy shows on tv. We'd thought it would be a good idea to combine Wild Kingdom with CSI. Whatchathink?

Ithaca doesn't have a Roadkill Cafe like some American communities. But, then again, Ithaca doesn't have a vegan restaurant either. A lot of Gen Y so-called vegans do sit around their $800 faux squats and discuss the ethical problems involved in eating road kill for personal survival. Right! Like the Ithaca Bakery is going to lock their dumpsters and the soup kitchen is going to ban guests who wear metal studs and profess individual anarchism.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 12:46 PM

 
The Ithaca Sucks Creeper Page


In the Lacanian account of the origins of our sense of self a critical event occurs during infancy. During this "mirror phase" infants grasp the fact that there is a world, and others, beyond them. This awareness comes to us from outside, an image of ourselves as an individual is built up from the feedback we receive from others. The very act of seeing ourselves as others see us necessitates a form of splitting, a fragmentation of the unity we have experienced hitherto. Our mourning for this lost unity, that which we seem to lack (although it was never truly there) stays with us for all our lives: although we recognise our lack is irreversible we search for it still.
It may be said that our capacity to look, and to see ourselves through the eyes of others, is at the core of our psychological formation. The scopophilic drive is a constituent of the polymorphous sexuality of the infant, one which is gradually "trained" and normalised but one which may become fixated into a perversion, producing obsessive voyeurs and Peeping Toms, whose only sexual satisfaction can come from watching, in an active controlling sense, an objectified other. " --Derek Baldwin
"In current Society a certain amount of voyeurism is considered normal, such as watching x-rated movies, as well as graphic magazines. You may have even been sexually aroused when you noticed by accident someone who was undressing, naked, or having sex. However, the key factor here is that unless you seek out these experiences, you are not a true voyeur" Disorder Information Sheet - PsychNet-UK Psychobabble? Every time you pop an x-rated video into the dvd player, every time you surf adult content on the web, you are "seeking out these experiences."


Voyeurism

The Oxford Dictionary defines a voyeur as "a person who derives gratification from surreptitiously watching sexual acts or objects; a peeping Tom; a person who takes a morbid interest in sordid sights". For Lacan, voyeurism is defined through scopophilia which includes both exhibitionism and voyeurism. Scopophilic individuals for Lacanians are classified as clinical perverts. Within this school of thought it is also believed that the structure of perversion is predominately male. Only in exceptional cases could a female be classified as a true pervert. Voyeuristic behavior however can be experienced and enjoyed by all of us to differing degrees.

The idea of the fragmented body was one of the earliest concepts developed by Lacan in association with the mirror stage. This is the moment in the child’s development when they see their body as a whole in the specular register, but their own perception is one of disunity with the image. This time produces great trauma for the child as it is trying to gain mastery over its body. This stage is quickly passed but the trauma of it can reemerge in later life. The child moves through this period by the formation of the ego. This is achieved by a process of identification with the specular image outside of the body. When this happens the individual's ego is formed, based on the alienation process. However, the individual is left 'covering' a lack of completeness in themselves through the conception of the ego. In other words the ego functions as an agency of deception by telling the individual that they are whole and complete. The experience of the Fragmented Body can result in great anxiety and aggression. For Lacan the human continues through their life constantly oscillating between their image, which is alien to themselves, and their real body which is uncoordinated and in pieces. Many symptoms are in response to the oscillation between these two camps. This sense of fragmentation expresses itself in images of castration, mutilation, dismemberment and combustion of the body, which can be expressed in dreams, ones analysis and in the way we might lead our lives.

The pervert is the person who attempts to take sexual pleasure to the limit in order to achieve the ultimate jouissance. The French term volonte-de-jouissance meaning 'will to enjoy' is often used to describe perversion. This is based on the premise that the individual's enjoyment is derived from the fantasy of a supposed 'other' watching. This is then coupled with the fantasy that they are the instrument of the 'other's' supposed enjoyment. The ‘other’ is the reflection of the projected self, the ego.

"With the proliferation of camera cell phones, Web cams and affordable surveillance devices, we have become a culture that promotes voyeurism." Kathy Frank




Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 5:38 AM

 

trumped

Rising over the gray waters of Cayuga Lake, the 1500 ft high Trump Ithaca pierces the low lying cloud cover that hangs over this small upstate NY community 298 days of the year. On a clear day, however, the view from the observation deck on the top floor of the tower is matchless, taking in not only the entire city of Ithaca but the fabled Cornell campus as well, which appears from your imperial vantage point, like some kind of matchbox village cluttered with rival architectural styles.

"This is where the guys who made their quick $200 million in the market come to look at the buildings they endowed over there on East Hill," remarked Fred Skickel, Trump Ithaca manager. "Before the Donald put up his hotel, there was no place for these high rollers to stay when they visited Ithaca. You expect some guy who gets picked up for work every morning in a 40 ft. long stretch limo to stay at the Hilton Garden or Holiday Inn?"

Skickel has reason to be proud of Trump Ithaca's paradigm of ostentatious consumption. Each of the 50 luxury apartments housed on the top floors of the tower boasts a 60 ft swimming pool, wood burning firepaces, a fully stocked Victorian library, authentic 19th Century paintings, canopied beds and other amenities designed to flatter the most jaded robber baron. Every weekend, the lobby is home to a special Farmer's Market where succulent organic beauties culled from the local micro-farm boutiques are available at prices designed to put a Mercedes in the poorest dirt farmer's garage.

Mayor Carolyn Peterson, seen here with her predecessor, Alan Cohen, at the Trump Ithaca groundbreaking, has been criticized for bestowing what some consider absurd tax abatements to a billionaire developer like The Donald, is unrepentant about her administration's emphasis on upscale projects at a time when unemployment is high and rural poverty is deepening for many of the community's residents. "Folks don't come to Ithaca to see bums picking cans on the Commons." Mayor Peterson smiles and pats her prim social worker's coif, adding, "They come here to get away from the rat race of New York City for a weekend, check out how their Nathan or Amber is doing at Cornell, or reminisce about Slope Days of yesteryear. Ithaca needed a real high end hostelry. People at that level need to feel that Ithaca understands and appreciates their lifestyle. After all, they're likely to donate a building to Cornell or IC, or buy a parcel of land upstate to build the perfect retirement nest. Ithaca is no only gorges, it's money." Peterson grins demurely and glances over at the signed photograph of Donald Trump perched on her desk.


When asked how this boundless generosity targeted at a jet-set dealmaker like Trump impacts Ithacs's poorest residents, Peterson shoots back, "Look, there is a definite trickle down effect. I'm told that you have to get a ticket to scour the dumpster behind Donald's building. Just like a butcher shop!" Mayor Peterson claps her hand gleefully at her analogy. "You can't get filet mignon at Loaves & Fishes." Peterson was referring to the local soup kitchen which feeds over a 100 guests daily.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:51 AM

 


Woodpecker Madness

What's all this fuss about an Ivory-Billed Woodpecker? Big f-----g deal, as they say in the extinction business. Ez has to laugh. Does Cornell have one of these?

So some guy at Cornell discovered a woodpecker in the swamps of Ga. or someplace? So what. The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker has only been thought to be extinct for the last 50 or so years. Hey, this nifty little specimen has been flying around Ez's backyard for the last 2 million years. What do you think it eats? Corn chips.Not just any corn chips. Fritos Flavor Twists Cheddar Ranch Flavored Corn Chips. Ez also puts out a bucket of medium hot salsa. The Ez makes a beehive back to the house. No way would Ez want to linger in the flight path of this sucker.

At first, you think the sun might have temporarily ducked behind a cloud. That would explain the sudden change of light. Then you notice the shadow cast by its 50 foot wing span splayed across the lawn. Then you hear this sound like a Boeing 727 is going to land in your back yard. You dont' know what to expect. And then you see it.This giant gas from the past is parked in your yard, its long pointed beak calmly going about it's business, scooping up a billfull of corn chips, dipping them into the salsa, then kicking its head back like a robin sucking up a nice juicy worm. Within seconds, lunch is over.

The only problem with having a peterodactyl in your backyard is when it comes time to go on vacation. You don't. This isn't a low maintenance type of bird. Forget to feed it one day, and it'll visit the bird feeder in the neighbor's yard. Ez made that mistake once. The stupid sucker ate the neighbor. A pair of gardening gloves and a sneaker was all that was left. Shit!



Hey, Cornell, get the maximum mileage out of your silly, garden variety woodpecker. Like people really care about woodpeckers. What they really want is something to keep them amused. When all is said or done, Ez will have the final clucking rights. Truth is that Ez is in the process of working out a deal with the Smithsonian and Disney World. Jurrassic Park, Ithaca Style. Imagine this.

THE EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME. RIDE THE 2 MILLION OLD PETERODACTYL. ONLY IN ITHACA!

What the Cardiff Man did for Syracuse is a drop in the bucket compared to what Ez's corn chip munching Peterodactyl will do for Ithaca.


Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 3:55 PM

 
Ithaca Sucks 60's Page

Let's face it, fellow babyboomers. You're getting old! You're on 5 different medications, chugging down Centrum Silver, being harrassed with constant junk mail from AARP, retirementvillages.com, funeral homes; your My Pictures file is filled with baby pictures of the grandkids, your garage or attic is a vertitable archaeological dig,filled with ten layers of junk. You check your IRA accounts daily, asking yourself, will it be enough? A latte will cost $15 by the time you reach 75. You won't be able to visit your kids unless they live next door because of the friggin' cost of oil. You've lived through the Kennedy administration - Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, Bush II. Oh, Ez forgot Eisenhower, not that he matters. America, thanks to tv and the internet, is beyond the point where someone who looks like IKE could ever get elected. We have become a youth-oriented society, if you hadn't noticed.

You reap what you sow, suckers!



What happens when people get old? They wax nostalgic. Oh, the good ole' days when I was dropping 15 tabs of acid a day, changing the world with my buddies and thousands of others who had bussed into town to rock the boat, flopping around the mud at Woodstock, all those other concert venues where they never had a decent shitter, getting laid regularly or consistently not getting laid, staying up all night on pills and cheap vin rouge, living in barely habitable apartments where the roaches were unionized, ridiculing the old, yeah, those old farts. Hell, I'm not going to live past 30. Surprise!

That's your brain at 60. Actually, it's the brain of someone who didn't do a fraction of the acid, mescaline, hashish etc that you did. Your brain looks an avocado left in the trunk space of a Volkwagon bus for five years. See all the clouding that looks like a Gatorade spill? Well, dudes, that is the white matter of your brain turning to mush. Your synapses just aren't as perky as they used to be. They want to sip some warm milk and go to bed. They don't want to read Hegel and Schlegel. Learn Portuguese. Or,alternately, your neurons want to cuddle up and linger over those fuzzy images (while they last) of a golden era when revolution was in the air, the Beatles were constantly playing on the radio, when every surface was painted with glorious color and peace symbols, before the world wide web and pop up windows, when someone with as little talent as Britney Spears couldn't even a job as a backstage groupie at an orgy, when things were real!



Up at Cornell, people teach courses on the 60's. People have been writing books about the 60's since the 60's, trying to explain the 60's. As if the 60's needed any explanation. A few people even try to relive the 60's but they don't have much success. Except in Ithaca, New York. Ithaca has been described as a pleasant stop along a time warp. There's a little guy shooting around Ithaca in a motorized wheel chair, oxygen tank strapped to the carriage, who looks like the spitting image of Jerry Garcia, give or take a few pounds. Frizzed out hair, tie-dyed shirt, beads, porkpie hat. He calls himself Silent Thunder. Ithaca is like that, the 60's die hard. Guys still get away with calling themselves shit like that, Seven Song, Sparrow, (Ananda for chicks.) There are two head shops in Ithaca. There's a woman walking around who looks like she might be Jack Kerouac's widow. She has that distant look of someone who has been trapped in a fog bank for the last 40 years. Who knows, maybe she runs through Stewart Park late at night, calling, Jack, Jack, come back.

There are people in Ithaca who think John Lennon is still alive and shacked up with Yoko in the Dakota. They haven't picked up a newspaper in 40 years. Reading the Ithaca Journal or Ithaca Times doesn't technically qualify as reading a newspaper. At the dentist's office, they are more likely to pick up a copy of Popular Mechanics or Inside Sesame Street than Newsweek or Time. They don't know that the 60's are over. That the music died. They still believe in a guitar heaven. They float their dead guitars on rafts in Cayuga Lake in some ritualistic form of instrument sati. These are the kinds of people that sent their kids to school with Peter Paul and Mary lunchboxes. That sang Puff the Magic Dragon in the shower well into their 50's.This place is 60's hell. Dante didn't know, died too soon. Or, he would have added another circle.





Hey, need costumes and party supplies for your next 60's bash, check out this cool website: www.c-boom.com/ big0_party_60s.htm
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:57 AM

 
The Official Ithacasucks Ex-offenders Registry


Name: Al Cohen
Occupation: Ex-Small Town Mayor, Restaurant Owner
Address:Unknown, probably staying expense-free with wealthy land developers
Offense(s)Selling Ithaca, New York out,opening the flood-gates of development, aiding and abetting in the proliferation of big box stores, being a slippery politican.

Note:This offender is to be considered extremely dangerous, armed with an incredibly facile tongue, well-honed political skills, a disarming charm irresistible to voters, women and developers. Attention: Do not approach or attempt to apprehend unless you are prepared to be sucked into a large scale development project on the Ithaca waterfront.

Mr. Cohen is known to be involved in the eminent domain seizure of prime real estate, the construction of an 11 story hotel/office building, both inappropriately scaled and aesthetically repulsive, in the heart of downtown Ithaca. He is reputed to have been involved in making deals with developers, giving away chunks of Ithaca at fire sale tax rates, destroying the downtown shopping district by inviting multiudinous big box retailers to build megastores on Rt 13 that compete unfairly with high priced local boutiques. Mr. Cohen's over-generous tax abatements to giant retailers has caused congestion, increasing incidents of road rage, pollution, and a President's Day feeding frenzy among consumers on said Rt 13.

Mr. Cohen is reported to hang out at the Boatyard Grill on the Waterfront, Simeon's on the Commons and other watering holes around Ithaca where he is provided with free drinks, meals and accomodations. Since leaving political office, he has been known to contribute editorials to the Ithaca Journal, encouraging more development madness,the distribution of tax abatements to wealthy corporations, and the despoilation of Ithaca's natural resources. Before and after images



KNOWN ASSOCIATES: (SEE IMAGES BELOW)



disclaimer: The above is intended simply as a parody and does not claim to be a factual representation of Mr. Cohen's activities in or out of office. The editorial board of Ithacasucks, Ithaca's premier, cutting edge humor blogspot, made up of one weird crackpot named Ezra Kidder, disavows any connection with the Republican or Green party, both of whom he regards with extreme ridicule. No money was taken for this ridiculous and futile waste of a Sunday morning. No small furry mammals were hurt during the writing of this blog. Anyway, if you eat at McDonald's, why would you care?
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:05 AM