A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 

alternative ceremonies

Ez has been thinking about Cornell's upcoming graduation. Typically, Ez spends his time thinking about his receding hairline, revolution, the demise of capitalism, the next Ice Age but, this morning, as an nice alternative, he's been considering how Cornell's graduation could be more meaningful this year.

So, he's come up with a few ideas.

1. Ever watch the Summer Olympics and how the organizers pull off those massive synchronized human message events?
One moment, 20,000 fans in the stadium are sitting there, drinking $15 Pepsi's, next moment they are all holding little signs and, together, they form a huge Olympic banner. Kitschy, eh? Well, Ez wonders why the 2006 graduating class can't pull something like that off? Possible reasons: everyone is too drunk, most graduates can't spell or read simple directions. Nonetheless, Ez thinks it would be totally cool if 7,000 graduates got together and spelled out in 10 ft. high letters a true celebration of the Cornell spirit:



Idea #2: Immediately after the class valedvictorian gave her/his address, he or she would slowly and with great dignity leave the stage and proceed to the nearest gorge with all the other graduates following in tight order. At which point, Well, you get the point, like lemmings.

Ez's next favorite idea, #3, is more predictable. combining as it does, Slope Day and graduation. Immediately after the ceremony, graduates would chuck their silly mortarboard beanies in the air, rip off their academic robes, proceed in no particular order to huge tables groaning with Scotch, Vodka, Beer and tabs of acid, ingest as much as possible of these substances in the shortest amount of time, then rush off down the Buffalo St. hill to waste and lay pillage to the quiet and forever lugubrious city of Ithaca,
smashing shop windows, dismantling the Fleet building brick by brick, changing the name of all the streets without deference to liberal sensibilities, and then, when Ithaca looked like Watts after the riots, the graduates would race back to campus, hop in their smart Camry's and Jeep runabouts, and get the fuck out of town.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 7:41 AM