Tourist Hell
Ask a native New Yorker if he or she has ever visited the Empire State Building and you'll get a blank stare. So, don't be surprised that most Ithacans have never done the Carl Sagan memorial planet walk.
What? The Carl Sagan what...?? Hey, you know the cute little --well let's not call them headstones but then again they sure do remind you of cemetery markers planted all around town with neat facts about all the planets. That is, all except for Pluto --didn't they just demote Pluto to a comet or an asteroid or a cosmic pimple or something? Hell, next you know, someone who makes decisions about these things will decide tol pull Earth from the lineup. Stinky! Jesus Christ. Ughh!Too many SUV emissions. ve seen all the planets, now let's go to the mall!'
Now, if you really wanted to pull in the ole' tourista bucks, you'd chuck the cheesy planet walk and incorporate our old friend Dante's model as shown in the left hand corner. You got it! The nine circles of Hell! Perfect for the literary tourist, read cocktail party bore(they come and go,talking of Michelangelo) or intellectual bluehairs on vacation from small towns slightly upstate of upstate--'now, ladies, to your right is the Giants' Well from Canto XXXI."
The fact that Vonnegut, Nabokov, Pynchon all lived in Ithaca at one time or other doesn't cut it at the cash register. You don't often see people walking around downtown with copies of Lolita. That is, unless they're heading into the adult bookstore next to the State Street Theater. Now you better believe the City Mothers want to get rid of that conspicuously bubble-gum pink landmark .
Why get rid of it? In the new scheme of things, the downtown sex shop could be the epicenter of the 2nd circle of Hell -- you know, reserved for the lustaholics. Restaurant row on Aurora Street -- well that's perfect for the 3rd circle. Blessed are the gluttonous, for they shall inherit the check.
Now, if you bone up on your Cantos, you'd know what the souls of the futile (see diagram) hang out in the vestibule of Dante's Inferno. Drop by the Commons on any sunny day and you'll know exactly what Dante meant as you survey hordes of hackckysackers, aging hippies, former mental patients, lost souls all, candidates for the limbo line at the gates to hell.
Can you see it now? Folks pouring into town by car, bus, plane --armed with maps and translations of the Inferno, looking for the 4th Circle. Hey, look, there's a whole row of banks! This must be it! How appropriate - Spenders & Hoarders - take warning. Ithaca also has its own homegrown Citizen Kane to add authenticity to the showcase of scoundrels --the indubitable pot-bellied Jason Fane -- who, with his commedia d'arte looks complete with balding dome, shuffling around town with his trademarks scandals as he rules over a vast real estate and rental empire.
There isn't a graduate student in any English Dept. in America that wouldn't bring his or her family to Ithaca's infernal theme park. " Ok, if you kids don't behave now, Antaeus will collect your skulls." Stuff like that. "Hey, Dana, did you pack the Dore`?"
Screw Disneyland, screw 12 Flags, Ithaca, you got Nine Circles!
That will put us on the map, won't it, Virgil?
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 4:29 AM
