A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 


Creep Watch

Howard Altendork has a photograph of Robert Mitchum in his office. Few people know that Bob Mitchum, the 50's actor who played a creepy minister in the classic film Night of the Hunter, was, at one time, a proctologist in the Army. Howard is actually what you would call a forensic proctologist -- the only one in Ithaca, one of only 5 in New York State. Ez would prefer not to delve into the details of what Howard does for a living but, let's say that most of Howard's patients are themselves no longer living -- a fact which accounts for why they seldom object to Howard's ministrations. In fact, they seldom fidget during an examination or, for that matter, even make a stab at small talk before or after the exam. -- a good thing because Howard really isn't very good at talking to patients. Like Dr. Kervorkian, Howard lacks bedside manner.

Anyone who's ever watched CSI - Miami, Cold Case, NCIS or any of a dozen autopsy shows that span the dials on tv, knows that the dead can talk. Under the skillful forceps of the average photogenic young medical examiner on one of these shows, they yield up the secrets of their not so pleasant ends, how they died, at what time, what they had for a midnight snack, etc. etc. Remember the guy who played second string to Robert Vaughan in The Man From UNCLE? Yep, the handsome chap with the Russian accent - Illyya somethingorother, that's who. (Ez logged 75 hours of tv a week when he was growing up. He can run down the plot summaries for the entire second season of Maverick.) Anyway, David McCallum, the dude from UNCLE, now plays a medical examiner in NCIS. Howard isn't quite as camera friendly as David McCallum. In fact the photo up at very top left corner --well, that's not Howard. Ez had to 'google' proctologist to find a stock image to use because no known photographs of Howard exist.

Howard is a short, squat, duck-like human with a face that resembles a cross between Warren G Harding's mother and Buster Keaton. Ez is talking major humorless -- sans effect, dead pan. He invariably waddles around town in a running suit and blue visored cap.It's been said that Howard is one of the cheapest people in Ithaca. He's the kind of shopper who goes into the Dollar Store looking for defective merchandise so he can weasel a discount. Howard has also been known to leave a nickle tip at a restaurant and cruise laundromats, scouting for abandoned socks.

Sad to say, Howard seldom gets an opportunity to ply his trade or testify in court for that matter because, while Howard is particularily adept at finessing secrets from the dead, few victims of violent crime have been known to bury their secrets in the places that Howard tends to look. Occasionally, someone will try to conceal a baggie filled with some kind of contraband or other up the you know where and Howard will be called in to perform proctology magic. In one of Howard's textbook cases, an elderly Binghamton man was knocked off by his housekeeper using a poison suppository. Howard described the time he spent working on that case as the 'crowning achievement 'of his career in law enforcement.

To his credit, Howard has managed to channel his tenuous law and order background towards serving the community. He sits on the board of a nonprofit, or PADDLE as it's known --one of a million nonprofits in Nonprofit Babylon --Ithaca, New York. (For years Ez has railed against the nonprofit industrial complex in I-town -- you know, the shady bric-a-brac shoppes that exploit third world knitters (Two Thousand Pillages), not to mention nonprofit movie theaters that reinforce the image of the foreigner as someone who is less absorbed in shopping for the latest model SUV or High Def.). You might not think so at first but PADDLE does perform useful work, coordinating the efforts of a volunteer staff who donate their time and energies teaching former junkies to canoe.

PADDLE has come a long way from the early days before life preservers were added to the budget. Well, let's say there were a few casualties --- you know, those things happen-- someone does a little blow, falls out of the boat, forgets how to swim or maybe the guy grew up in the hood, never learned how -- those problems are all in the past. On a nice day, you can see a flotilla of ex-cokers rhythmically dipping their oars into the flourescent waters of the Inlet, zigzagging around the floating shopping carts.

"Right, left ----left!!!! Yo man, you want to drown us? *******!! Ya think I want to get my sneakers wet?! What are ya, some kind of ........ "

If it wasn't for PADDLE and people like Howard, those guys would be out on Plain St, trying to score their next dime. It's all about making Ithaca a better community, right?

(This is first in a series of profiles celebrating those unsung heroes of our community who seldom step out into the limelight --or is it the light of day??? -- you know, the folks who really make a difference.)

Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:50 AM