E-men
"Subject approaching. Code blue. Repeat. Code Blue."
The voice crackled over the radio. The two men in the van had been discussing the merits of hummus over cream cheese as a bagel topping. Suddenly they came alive, senses finely honed by weeks on the trail. Quickly they scanned the dark deserted street for their target.
Across the street an alley cat, teetering on the edge of a dumpster, was checking out the prospects for a late night snack. Then a figure came into view, walking briskly, a brief case or large package shoved under one arm.
"Subject has come into view. Repeat. Subject sighted. " One of the trackers whispered into the radio. He glanced over at his partner sitting on the passenger side, half immersed in shadow, and waiting for a signal that the mission was a go. Just at that moment a car swung into the street, it's headlights reflecting for a brief second the faces of the two men in the van. Then, just as quickly, they were both plunged back into darkness.
"Do you think he saw us?" As he waited for a situation report, the driver couldn't help musing to himself about how his boss always reminded him of a cross between Robert Oppenheimer and Dick Tracy. Yeah, he thought, you know what it is.... it's the intensity of the scientist overlaid with the tough, no nonsense street smarts of the detective. This guy is at the top of his game. -- tactical commander for an elite unit of covert operatives that made Nixon's plumbers look like the Hardy Boys. The E-men.
The E-men had been around two years already and carried out 25-30 missions. Inspired by a State of the University speech in which Cornell's Hunter Rawlings had gone off in a half hour tirade against the dangers of intelligent design, the unit had been formed to combat the growing tide of creationsism and the myth of Intelligent Design. Highly mobile squads of E-men would travel the country, targeting the most recalcitrant creationists and IntelD spokespeople for a little friendly persuasion, read involuntary detention and deprogramming. It was no coincidence that the project director, a behavioral scientist and veteran of countless cult rescues, had watched The Manchurian Candidate twelve times. The budget for the project came from funds hobbled together from Cornell departmental slush funds and an undocumented cash grant from the Soros people.
"Yeah. It's ok. He didn't see us." The subject of their surveillance was coming up quickly, oblivious to the two men pressed into the shadows of the van interior.
As he waited for his boss to give the green light, the driver replayed in his mind the usual scenario that would unfold with clockword precision in a couple of seconds. First they would grab the guy off the street, blind fold and bundle him into the back of the van, if necessary using a hypodermic filled with a quick acting sedative to induce cooperation. Within fifteen minutes they would be back at an undisclosed location. Once the subject recovered or calmed down, they would trundle him into a well lit room equipped with sophisticated monitoring and recording devices and attach him to an ECG. Then it was time for the earthworm video. Yeah the earthworms usually softened them up a bit.
After watching earthworms squiggle around in the slime for 18 hours, most intelligent design freaks would buckle and show an interest in reading the Origin of Species at least during bathroom breaks. Every fifteen seconds or so throughout the video, a message would flash across the screen --"Not only does God play dice, but he also shoots pool and throws darts." Once that message began to sink in, the subjects would warm up to the whole randomness deal. Those that refused to wave the white flag, however, would be subjected to another 18 hour film, documenting chimpazees in a classroom, taking the GRE's. Finally, if all else failed, the deprogrammers would resort to looping video clips of George Bush's press conferences. That was the brainstorm of the project director, a person known around the office to have no less than three Bush Must Go lawn signs.
It was tough work. But someone had to do it. Intelligent Design was the proverbial fly in the ointment. As long as the nation's energy and attention was diverted for that kind of nonsense, the future of science and research funding was in question. That's why you had to call in the E-men from time to time. Guardians of Evolution, the scientific way of life, and all that was sacred. Mr. Darwin would be proud.
"Go, go, go." Show time.
Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:43 AM
