A Journal of Humor and Verbal Anarchy

 
ITHACA SEALS BORDERS, BANS NON-COLLEGE GRADUATES

In a decisive step aimed at insuring that Ithaca will have a well educated workforce as it faces the challenges of the 21st Century, the City today sealed its borders with Trumansburg, Dryden and other communities, and stopped admitting non-college grads. At checkpoints along the major arteries leading into Ithaca, border guards have begun verifying college transcripts and administering spot GRE's.

Mayor Carolyn Peterson, in an early morning press statement, outlined the City's position. "I have been concerned about the number of barrista and wait staff jobs that have been lost over the last several years to college drop outs. Ithaca needs to protect its educational purity and make sure that the best jobs go to the best people. It's just not enough to say that we have more MA's and PhD's per capita than any other comparable size community in the United States."

Peterson was visibly moved at one point in her remarks, "It's tough watching a bright, enthusiastic young person who just spent $160K on a first rate ivy league education walk in and get turned down for a job busing tables at a downtown coffee shop. It hurts, it really does. We owe it to our college grads, to our downtown merchants and business owners, to our visitors, to the City itself to correct this problem."

Shortly before dawn this morning, members of the IPD Swat Team began an intensive house to house manhunt for non-college graduates. Mobile transcript checks were hastily set up at various points in the city to verify graduation data, and review grades. Large unmarked vans could be seen lumbering through Ithaca towards a temporary detention center set up in Stewart Park to process dropouts and non-achievers.

Reliable sources also indicate that the City Council Budget Committee has begun discussing a more permanent solution to the attainment gap, possibly a barrier similar to the one that Israel has built to keep out the Palestinians.

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Comments invited at: ezrakidder@gmail.com - Peace, Ezra at 6:52 AM